


clarity

by symphonie



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Panic Attacks, Protective Lena Luthor, Sad Kara Danvers, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, well here it is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2019-12-30 15:09:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 82,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18317783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/symphonie/pseuds/symphonie
Summary: It was simple, so simple.Her hands trembling, feeling nauseous, her bottom lip quivering hard, her eyes not seeing anything through the flood of tears, Kara climbed over the fence. One leg, and the other. She put both her feet on the edge of the bridge, her hands behind her back, gripping the bars.Fuck you, life."FUCK YOU, LIFE !" she screamed a few times. She yelled this same sentence at the top of her lungs for a long time. She wanted peacefulness, silence, vacuum.And then she propelled herself forward.Her feet were barely off the edge when a hand grabbed her arm.When Lena saved a young woman from jumping off a bridge, she knew it was the right thing to do. And maybe it would change her life forever, maybe this was exactly what they both needed.Maybe they could be each other's clarity.





	1. high dive into frozen waves

  
    _Cold_.

    It was cold. And hot at the same time.  
    She staggered a few meters and put her hands on the bridge's guardrail.

    _It burns. Why does it burn... although it's cold?_

    She tried to reach the zipper of her coat, but her hands always seemed to miss it. The world around her was a big blur. She gave up the idea of taking off her coat, freed her fingers to rub her eyes and grunted in frustration when she opened them again.

    _This bridge... this bridge is not steady._  
_Why is this bridge not steady?_

    She placed her elbows on the fence, set her burning forehead in her moist palms, and closed her eyes.

_"Screw you, Mike."_

    Why did she yell at him? She couldn't remember. She rubbed her temples, her memories escaping her. _Focus, Kara, focus_.

    _"Are you going to stop spending your life outside, Kara?"_  
_"I'm going to spend my life the way I want to, where I want to, whenever I want to !"_

    She had just enough time to lean her head over the water before throwing up. Her eyes could not stay still. She could feel them rolling in their sockets.

    _"I'm the reason why you have a job. Without me, you'd be living in the streets or with your mother in her backwater !"_  
_"SCREW YOU, MIKE !"_

    This sentence echoed in her head, _screw you Mike_ _, screw you Mike_ _, screw you... Mike... screw... you..._

    She threw up a second time. Her body was struggling to get rid of the alcohol in her blood. Her head was struggling to get rid of this sentence and of something else, of... of...

    _VLAM_.

    This sound.

    _Inhale, exhale_. Each of her breathing was hindered by this sound. _VLAM_. Everything was hot and cold at the same time, in her chest her heart seemed to have doubled in size. She blinked frantically, _VLAM_. She felt her heart pounding under her right eye, _VLAM_ , and when she put her hand on her cheekbone, a throbbing pain erupted all over her cheek. She still felt Mike's fist hit her in the face. She saw herself falling, _falling, falling, VLAM_.

    She inhaled suddenly, unable to understand what was happening, everything was going too fast, too fast, but too slowly. She felt a flood of tears rolling down her cheeks and heard herself sobbing through an unbearable buzz that resounded inside her head.

    _Stop._  
_Stop._  
_STOP._

    Everything had to stop, it was too much, everything was too full and too empty at the same time, _it had to stop now, right now_.

    Suddenly a thought, a single one, made its way through the fog in her mind. It was simple. So simple. She closed her eyes, faces appearing in her head. Mike, Eliza, Winn, James, Alex ... Alex, Alex's hazel eyes, filled with anger, when she had screamed.

_You're either part of the family, or you're not._

    Kara burst into even stronger tears.

_It was simple, so simple._

    Her hands trembling, feeling nauseous, her bottom lip quivering hard, her eyes not seeing anything through the flood of tears, Kara climbed over the fence. One leg, and the other. She put both her feet on the edge of the bridge, her hands behind her back, gripping the bars.

_Fuck you, life._

    "FUCK YOU, LIFE !" she screamed a few times. She yelled this same sentence at the top of her lungs for a long time. She wanted peacefulness, silence, vacuum.

    And then she propelled herself forward.

    Her feet were barely off the edge when a hand grabbed her arm.

 

\----

 

    6:00 p.m: end of the meeting of the board  
    6:05 p.m: start of the presentation on nanotechnologies.  
    7:30 p.m: video conference with the leaders of the L-Corp subsidiaries in Vietnam.  
    8:45 p.m: call with investors from ... from ... Hy ... Hyvin ... Hyvinkää?  
    9:50 p.m: arrival of the prototypes of the new phones L-Corp was going to launch.  
    From 11 pm to much too late: update of documents for shareholders.

    After a triangle sandwich, two aspirins and far too many cups of coffee, Lena realized that it was 4:30 in the morning. _4:30_. In other words, at the same time too late and too early to do anything. The young woman sighed. She got up from the chair of which she had not moved for hours. Her numb legs protested at the sudden leap, and she had to cling to her desk to keep herself from falling.

    _Well, that was not a good idea, was it?_

    She needed to move, to get out of this office before she used her chair as a hammer to destroy those shelves that were way too tidy for her liking. If she had not been the billionaire CEO of a company that dominated the technology market and didn't have to keep the appearance of a _serious_ businesswoman, Lena would have decorated this room she spent the overwhelming majority of her time in. But posters of Metallica and David Bowie weren't considered as _serious_ by balding men wearing suits.

    After putting on sportswear, Lena slammed her office's door and put on her headphones. Nirvana's _Smells Like Teen Spirit_ started, and the young woman crossed the empty building.

    _Load up on guns, bring your friends_  
_It’s fun to lose and to pretend_  
_She’s over-bored and self-assured_  
_Oh no, I know a dirty word_

    She went out the back door and started running through the still empty streets. The sky was already getting lighter, soon National City would wake up, and Lena laughed at the thought that when everyone would be drinking his first cup of coffee, she would be drinking her thirtieth.

    Her phone was playing her favorite songs, and she was running, following the rhythm of the music. She focused on her breathing, on the feeling of her muscles waking up after a long rest, on her heartbeat... And for the first time in several days, she knew it was just what she needed.

    _Hello, hello_  
_Am at a place called Vertigo_  
_It’s everything I wish I didn’t know_  
_But you give me something I can feel, feel_

    She ran for a long time without stopping, crossed the city center, the port, and finally arrived near one of the bridges that spanned the river, connecting the two banks. During her jogging, she only encountered a few cars and one or two runners. She continued to run on the bridge, inhaling the maritime smells, not yet masked by the diesel.

    _Break out, break out from this masquerade_  
_Before we fade away_  
_We are losing who we are_  
_Unmask your hidden hate_  
_Wash it all away and heal your hollow heart_

    She stopped for a moment, admiring the sight of the water, barely illuminated by the first lights of the day. She did not pay attention to her surroundings, lost in her thoughts, so she didn't notice the blonde girl standing about 20 meters from her.

    _Colder, crying over your shoulder,_  
_Hold her, tell her everything's gonna be fine._  
_Surely, you've been going too hurry,_  
_Hurry 'cos no-one's gonna be stopped._  
_Na na na na…_

  
    "FUCK YOU, LIFE !"

  
    The scream reached Lena's ears through her music. She frowned, puzzled, removed her headphones and turned to where the voice came from.

    A young woman stood on the edge of the bridge, about to jump. She was going to commit suicide. The river was known to be very violent so close to the sea, and the water was probably freezing cold, _and_ _shit, shit, shit_. Lena ran as fast as she could, the adrenaline giving her back all the energy she had spent, and covered in a few seconds the distance that separated her from the blonde girl.

    It was at this moment that she pushed herself forward.

    The world seemed to stop, and Lena could see the girl slowly losing her balance. Around them, time was suspended.

    _Frozen_.

    Lena did not try to figure out how she had managed to catch the girl's arm in time. She had just enough time to grab a bar of the fence with her other hand, and she remained motionless for a few seconds, breathless. Clinging desperately to the stranger's life with one arm, and to hers with the other. She was not breathing anymore, her whole body focused on holding on, _just holding on_.

    The young woman lifted her tear-drenched face towards her, and her gaze settled on Lena's eyes.

_She has blue eyes._

    Lena heard herself begging the girl to grab her arm with her other hand. The blonde frowned, opened her mouth, closed it and blinked a few times. _She must be drunk_ , Lena thought. Suddenly the girl seemed to make a decision, and she grabbed Lena's arm. It took her a few moments to react before she pulled her up. When the blonde was back on the edge of the bridge, Lena felt her body relax a little. The girl climbed over the fence, the other still holding her firmly, fearing another desperate move. When the blonde found herself in a safe place on the other side of the fence, she tilted her head in confusion, as if she was waking up from a bad dream. She tried to speak:

    "I…"

    She didn't continue, and a flood of tears escaped her eyes. When she began sobbing, Lena instinctively took her in her arms and rubbed her back with her hands. The blonde began to mutter inconsistent sentences, and Lena thought she recognized the names Alex and Mike. She felt the girl's body shake against hers, as well as her hands squeezing Lena's T-Shirt. _What happened to her,_ Lena wondered.

    The girl was still sobbing in her arms when Lena decided she was going to take her home. Leaving her there was out of the question, and she doubted she could reach a member of her family. The young woman was way too upset to talk. Suddenly, a thought crossed her mind. _Lex_. He had come to spend the week with her. And knowing her brother, she had a hard time imagining herself introducing him to an unknown girl, whom she had saved from suicide, drunk and in tears. While continuing to hug the young woman who seemed to calm down a little in her arms, Lena checked the time. 5:25. L-Corp would still be empty this early in the morning. She sighed, and whispered in the girl's ear:

    "I'm going to call a cab, okay, I'll take you to a place where you can sleep."

    As the other didn't answer, Lena continued after a brief hesitation:

    "My name is Lena."

    The young woman drew back slightly, and their eyes met. At that moment, Lena thought she could guess all pain, all the sorrow the girl felt. For a few seconds, she realized what had happened, what was happening. She was holding a girl who would have died at ... 24, 25 years old? If Lena hadn't stayed late at L-Corp, if she hadn't decided to go for a run, if she had not followed this exact path, she would have never been able to save her.

    Suddenly, she noticed something she had not seen on the young woman's face. Under her right eye, on her cheekbone, she had a bruise. It looked new, she must have gotten it a few hours ago, Lena thought. Her heart broke at that idea. At the same time, she felt a deep rage towards whoever had hit the girl, causing her so much pain. _How is it possible that someone..._

    "Kara."

    She was immediately drawn from her thoughts when she heard the blonde say her name. _Kara_. She had said it in a weak but still voice. Her confused blue eyes were examining Lena's face.  
   
    "Will you come with me, Kara?", the raven-haired girl asked softly.

 Kara nodded, held her gaze for a few seconds before looking down.

    The call of the cab, the wait in the first rays of the sun, the drive back to L-Corp, during which the girl had fallen asleep on her shoulder, the elevator ride up to her office, where Lena half carried Kara... Everything went on mechanically, in a blur. It took several minutes to the brunette to sort out her thoughts when she sat on her desk's chair, legs shaking. She put her head in her arms and rested on her desk. She stayed in this position for a long time, simply breathing.

_Inhale, exhale._

    When she got up, her gaze circled the room, settling on the girl, on Kara, who had collapsed on her couch and was now sleeping in a fetal position. Seeing her shudder, Lena crossed the room and pulled out a blanket from her closet, which she kept for the nights she spent at the office. She slowly approached the girl and covered her with the blanket. She was sleeping peacefully, and when she stared at her, Lena almost forgot that this same girl was about to jump off a bridge half an hour ago. To jump off a fucking bridge. Giving up on her life, her friends, her family. And now she was there, at L-Corp, asleep on Lena's couch, and it was 5:57 a.m.

    It was 5:58 when she served herself some Whiskey, 5:59 when she finished her glass, sitting on the other sofa, and 6:00 when she first started wondering what the heck she was going to do next because it was not, absolutely not what she had planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okaaaayyyy so here it is, the first chapter of my first fanfic.  
> i would love to hear everything you have to say about it !  
> i'll try to update as soon as i can, but english is not my native language so i have to write everything in french and then translate it all into english, so it might take me some time :,)
> 
> ok bye now
> 
> (oh and i basically used Zedd's song Clarity for the titles, just so you know)


	2. where the past comes back to life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all of your comments and kudos, it makes me soooo happy :3

_She has green eyes_.

    It was the only thought that had crossed her mind when she had stared at the girl trying to save her life. And, losing herself in those eyes, she had grabbed her arm.

 

  
———

 

  
    _The notes of the piano echoed in her mind, as she danced, alone. She was spinning in a motionless world, feeling the grass beneath her bare feet. The music seemed to come from all around her. It moved with her. Kara closed her eyes as she kept spinning, her fingers brushing the long stalks of wheat that grew along the path. It felt like flying. She was in perfect harmony with everything that surrounded her. The piano kept carrying her away, and she danced, danced, danced._

_And all of a sudden someone was dancing with her._

_She opened her eyes and found herself face to face with a young woman with black hair and green eyes. She was not startled by her arrival, but her eyes fascinated Kara. They seemed so familiar and yet so mysterious._

_Without a word, they began to spin simultaneously, keeping their eyes locked together. Their ballet was endless, both achieving the movements with ease, in perfect synchronisation and complementarity. The path seemed to widen with their movements, the wheat receding to give them enough space. When the piano hit the last notes, they remained still for a moment, staring at each other. Kara could have done it forever. The melody was still resounding in her head, and she sought in her memory to find its name._

_"Carnival of Vienna, Op.26 IV, Intermezzo, Schumann."_

_Kara smiled at the young woman who had just spoken. She had read in her thoughts. The woman smiled back, tilted her head slightly and gently stretched her arm. And when her hand reached Kara's face, everything faded._

_She was alone on the edge of a cliff. The water was swirling below her, and as she tried to turn around, she realised that she was unable to move. The young woman felt her breathing quicken, and she tried to struggle, to no avail. And then the cliff began to shrink gradually. She could see the pieces of rock falling under her feet, inch by inch, and she still couldn't move. Soon her feet were half above the void. She felt tears streaming down her cheeks, she wanted to back away, to scream, to struggle, not to fall, not to die, but her body was not responding, and she had to stay still._

_And then everything fell down._

    Kara opened her eyes and straightened up, her breath jerky as she sobbed. She didn't know where she was, it was definitely not her apartment. She was starting to panic, when a voice gently called her name.

    "Kara?"

    She immediately turned around and saw the woman from her dream slowly approaching her. For a moment Kara wondered if she was still asleep and if it was another hallucination, but everything seemed way too real.

    The girl had those same green eyes.

    And even though the blonde had no idea where she was and how she had gotten there, she felt herself calming down at that sight. The woman knelt beside her, and Kara began to acknowledge her environment. It was a sober but expensive-looking office, with a huge window that offered a view of the entire city. It was probably the end of the afternoon, she was on a couch and a blanket was wrapped around her. A song, played on a piano, gave the room a peaceful atmosphere. _The Intermezzo of the Vienna Carnival_ , Kara thought mechanically. She was drawn from her thoughts when she felt her arm being brushed.

    "Don't worry, you're in my office," the green-eyed girl started, "I brought you here this morning, around 6:00, do you remember?"

    She had spoken in a soft, reassuring voice, but Kara could see a mixture of concern and sadness in her eyes. She frowned. _This morning_ , she thought, _where was she this morning_? And at that moment everything came back to her mind, the argument with Alex, with Mike, the alcohol she had been drinking, the bridge on which she had walked, the bridge from which she had thrown her Vodka bottle, the bridge ...

    Off which she had jumped.

    She swallowed hard. Her eyes met the woman's gaze, _Lena's_ , who was still sitting next to her, her hand on Kara's. Lena, who had saved her life, who had hugged her, who had taken her with her.

    "Do you want something to drink? I have Jasmine tea," the raven-haired girl offered, an encouraging smile on her lips. Kara nodded, unable to say a word. Her thought refused to focus on anything other than the fact that she had jumped off a bridge. It seemed surreal to her, yet she had painfully accurate memories of what had happened, of all of her emotions in the slightest detail. Despair. Sadness. Solitude. But especially the fear she had felt when she had found herself unable to imagine anything concerning her future.

     The sickness when facing this emptiness.

    "I ... I should go," Kara suddenly said, avoiding the worried look Lena was giving her, as she was making tea. The blonde jumped on her feet, _bad idea, Kara_. She felt her heart pounding in her forehead, making her realize how bad her head felt. She stumbled slightly, but hands stabilized her before she fell. The girl smoothly massaged her temples. When the dizziness went away and she was able to open her eyes again, she found herself staring into two emerald eyes full of compassion.

    "Please, wait," Lena started. And even if Kara just wanted to run as far as possible, as long as possible to try to escape everything that had happened, she remained still, mesmerized by the woman in front of her.

    "I ... you don't have to leave right now," the raven-haired dirk stated, "if you need to call someone to pick you up, you can use my phone, or ..."

    Kara knew that if she did not leave now, she was going to have a panic attack. In the middle of a stranger's office. In front of the other woman. She didn't have the strength to wait until the end of Lena's sentence before answering her.

    "I ... I'm sorry, I really should go."

    She had tried to stabilize her voice, but it trembled anyway. The other seemed to hesitate, and she gazed at the floor for a moment, before planting her eyes in Kara's once again.

  
    "Don't try again, please," she murmured, in a pleading voice, her eyes looking at her with greater intensity.

    Kara felt her heart tighten. _Think about something else, think about something else_. She tried to ignore the images that popped in her head.

 _Water._  
    _Bridge._  
_Empty._

    "No, don't worry, I'm not going to ... try again, I ... can't... I could not ... I just need ... I just need to be alone, I'm sorry, I ... " She had uttered all of the words without breathing, and Lena slowly grabbed her hand. Kara shivered a little, but she immediately felt more comfortable holding the girl's hand. She relaxed slightly at her touch.

    "Don't apologize, please, I understand, but ..." She paused for a moment, "I don't know you, you do not know me, but if you need help, I'm here, I can give you my number, if you need anything, anytime, you can call me. "

    Kara nodded, her mind empty and numb. The raven-haired girl dropped her hand and fetched a pen and some paper. She scribbled her number, name and address on it, before handing it to Kara. The girl took a quick glance at the elegant handwriting, and a word caught her attention. _Luthor_. Lena Luthor. The CEO of L-Corp, the billionaire, the businesswoman, the one who owned half of the city. Which explained the office and the view. _Okay_.

    "Thank you," Kara simply whispered, grabbing her coat, which had been set on an armchair.

    She met Lena's eyes one last time and tried to say something, but the words were stuck in her mouth. She headed towards the exit and shut the door close behind her.

 

\---

 

    Lena stared for a moment at the abandoned blanket on the empty couch. Without a word, she put it back in the closet and replaced the pillows. The room looked exactly like it had ten hours ago.

 

\---

 

    Kara took a bus that would bring her about a hundred meters from her home. She had no cash on her, and for the first time in her life, she didn't pay a ticket. Obviously, she also met a controller for the first time in her life, because of course, it had to happen NOW. When the agent handed her $70 fine, she noticed that he was staring at her oddly. It took her a second to remember that she probably had a nasty bruise and a black eye. Not to mention her alcohol breath. She sighed in relief when she got off the bus and hurried down the crowded streets.

    She didn't have to worry about Mike, he had already taken his service at this hour of the evening. The thought of meeting him made her shudder, remembering every detail of what had happened. She walked sneakily in front of the concierge's lodge, wanting to avoid any situation that would compel her to communicate with another human being. She mechanically climbed the steps of the little stairwell, searched her pocket for her keys, and opened the door of her apartment. She put down her coat, grabbed her phone, which she had left on the table the night before, under a scarf, and sat on the kitchen floor, her back against the fridge.

    And there, she waited for her emotions to erupt.

    She had wanted to jump off a bridge. She _had_ jumped off a bridge, and an unknown woman had saved her. It was horrifying. She knew that she often lost control when drinking, but not like that, never like that. She could remember wanting to end her life because everything hurt too much. The very idea of living had made her feel like throwing up.

    Now, the idea of wanting to die made her feel like throwing up.

    After the first tears escaped her eyes in the silence of her empty apartment, the rest followed in an uninterrupted flood. Because of Mike, who was supposed to love her but who had hit her, because of Alex, who had yelled at her, and whom she had not seen for three days, because of that damn bridge that she would have blown up if she had had the chance, and because of Lena Luthor, who had caught her, and hugged her. Because of her eyes, which were so hypnotizing that she had forgotten her hopelessness for a moment, to the point where she had grabbed her arm.

    Kara cried softly for a long time, her eyes closed and her head locked in her hands.

    She rubbed her swollen eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt and grabbed her phone to look at the time. It was 19:47 p.m and Kara saw that she had several messages on her phone, as well as missed calls. Some were from Winn and James, but her heart sank when she realized most of them were from Alex.

    From : alex da big sis

25 hours ago  
    _hey kar_

_i wanted to apologize for what i said, i was angry and sad and i said awful things that i didn’t mean, and i know it’s not an excuse but i wanted to say sorry anyway, love you <3_

23 hours ago  
    _can i call you ?_

21 hours ago  
    _kara ?_

20 hours ago  
    _am starting to get worried, i know you’re mad but i need to know you’re ok_

11 hours ago  
    _i went to your apartment and Mike didn’t know where you were, he told me you left last night without telling him where you were going, please answer me_

9 hours ago  
    _please kara call me_

  
    She read all of the other concerned messages. She had received the last one 10 minutes ago and although Kara wanted to reassure her sister, she knew she couldn't talk to her right now. She could not bear to see her face or hear her voice over the phone, it was impossible, impossible. Not after what had happened. Not after that night. With shaking hands, she wrote a short message saying that she was fine but that she needed to spend some time alone.

    When Alex called her, she didn't answer and put her phone back in mute mode.

    She began to gather her belongings. She managed to get most of what she had in three boxes (that she had kept because she was too lazy to get rid of them) and two backpacks. Her clothes, her computer, her books, her comics, her photos, her Harry Potter mug, her Garfield pillow, her teddy bears and other highly important objects.

    As she was emptying the bedroom, she saw the picture of her and Mike, smiling on the beach. Five seconds later, it was smashed on the floor, the glass shattered into small pieces because he was a jerk and her life was a bitch and she missed her parents and her foster parents and her sister and she was the one who would have to live with the fact that she had tried to end her life, and it was a crushing feeling. She stood there for a minute, anger thrumming through her veins and resentment festering in her. She swallowed down her frustration as she kneeled to pick up the broken glass. _Let's leave it like that_ , she thought. But she cleaned the floor anyway, because fuck it, she was not a drama queen, she was better than that.

    Kara took off the Muse posters she had put on the walls of the room, collected the little makeup she owned and even removed the shower curtain because it was hers, it was _her shower curtain with fishes on it_. She checked several times that she had not forgotten anything, and when she had gathered everything in the hall, she looked one last time at the apartment in which she had lived in for a short period of time.

    She was rather relieved to move out because she had never really been fond of this place. It was Mike's apartment, and it had stayed this way despite Kara's decoration efforts. She and Mike had been dating for three months when he had asked her to move in five months ago. She kind of liked him, she found him funny and cute, and when he had asked her to live with him, she had assumed she _loved_ him. Hum. But soon the arguments had begun. He always wanted to be right, and every little rude comment annoyed Kara. He was way too self-confident, never willing to question his opinions, and she always ended up giving up, too tired to fight. The last time she'd seen him, she'd spent the day with Winn and James relaxing and trying to forget her fight with Alex. And instead of comforting her, he had blamed her for going outside, and for the first time, he had really screamed. And more. And when she had slammed the door, her eyes wet and her cheekbone swollen, she had seen every bit of affection that she had once felt for him break into pieces. She had never hated a human being so much.

    She took her boxes, her backpacks and her guitar, put her keys on the table and closed the door. Fuck this shit, she was out.

\---

    The moment Kara had left the office, Lena had regretted it. She didn't know what to say to make her stay, because she had a degree in computer science, but she had never had a court called "How to give someone the desire to live after they tried to commit suicide in front of you". So she let her go, and now she had no way of knowing if she was okay. She absentmindedly snapped a pencil. She just knew her name, Kara. Not even her last name, just Kara. Without thinking, she googled her name. The CEO learned that KARA was a K-Pop band with questionable music, as well as a French recruitment agency and a Smart Public Lighting project. Awesome.

    Lena spent the end of the afternoon absorbed in administrative documents and in her teapot, trying to concentrate on the paper instead of on those blue eyes. But every time her phone rang, she jumped, hoping for a moment that it would be Kara. And of course, it was shareholders, directors of L-Corp's sub-divisions and journalists who wanted to know if she was planning to dye her hair blond because it was so fucking important. The only interesting part of the end of the day was the call Lex gave her, when he told her that he had to go back to Metropolis because of some urgent stuff. She felt guilty to be relieved, but she really needed calm, and her brother's psychological analyzes coupled with his nihilistic reflections were the last thing she needed now.

    At 20:30, Lena had enough.

    She had trouble remembering the last time she had left work so early. After telling Alfred, her driver, to leave, she began to walk through the city. Just like morning jogging, walking at the beginning of the evening helped her uncloud her thoughts. The young woman stopped in a bakery to buy a sandwich before resuming her path among the passersby. In the street, people were often too focused to recognize her, and she liked to feel faceless for once.

    Lena reached Jack's old house, and she let her memories come back for a second. Star Wars afternoons, conversations about Freud, documentaries on Arte, nights spent in the garage drinking beers and trying to find a way to save the world. It was this desire to save the world that had cost Jack his life. While he was trying to find a cure for cancer by strengthening the cells, he had tested a product on himself. He had almost done it. Almost. It had been almost two years since Lena and Jack had broken up when he had died a year ago. But despite their breakup, she had always thought of him as her best friend. She sighed, turning around the corner, chasing the sorrow away. _Why are there so many pigeons_? Her very interesting thoughts were interrupted by a phone ringing. She wondered for a moment if it was hers because everyone had the exact same damn ring. She got her phone out of her pocket and saw an unknown number on the screen. The raven-haired girl didn't even dare to hope anymore, and she answered, resigned to tell a reporter that no one fucking cared about her hair color.

    "This is Lena Luthor."

    There was a short silence, and Lena heard a woman's voice from the other end of the phone.

    " _Lena, I mean... Miss Luthor_?"

    She held her breath.

    " _It's Kara._ "

 

\---

 

    When she found herself in the street with her three boxes, her two backpacks and her guitar, Kara realized that she had nowhere to go. Crashing at James or Winn's apartment meant seeing Alex because they would undoubtedly call her. And even if they didn't, she knew she couldn't look at her friends in the eyes. She was ashamed.

    After asking her phone to find the hotels around her, the young woman tried to book a room, but the answer was the same everywhere : everything was taken. She sighed in exasperation, still standing in front of her building.

    It was 8:45 pm, Kara was in the street with all her belongings and had no idea what she was going to do.

     She would have to spend the night in her car. Carrying all of her stuff, she arrived, panting, to the place where she had parked the day before. And her car was not there. She clenched her jaw and her fists and began to hop up and down in frustration. _Mike_. Of course, Mike. Because it was impossible to walk twenty minutes to the bar, he needed to take the car, her car. For a moment she was seduced by the idea of going to the bar and leaving with her vehicle. And then she remembered that she normally worked there, that she was supposed to be there and that she preferred to avoid meeting anyone.

 _Ah_.

    She also didn't have a job anymore. She had not even thought about it. It was not because of Mike that she had gotten this job (which she hated), she had been hired I'm the bar way before knowing him. But when they had met, he had decided to get hired too. Brilliant. And after spending months seducing the owner, he had ended up in charge of the staff. Mike, the one who drank alcohol from the bar during his breaks, who was always late and still managed to leave early, was in charge of the staff.

    Kara felt her eyes wet with tears.

    So. Fucking. Unfair.

    She was helpless. It was like everything was out of her control. Actually, everything was out of her control. Since the day before, since the bridge, her life had gone crazy. She clenched her fists in her pockets and she felt a crumpled piece of paper under her fingers. _Lena Luthor_. And her number and address. The woman with green eyes. The girl bit her lip.

    It was ridiculous.

    And at the same time, it was either that or spending the night outside. And Lena Luthor was nice, like really nice. She would have imagined a cold, calculative and cynical woman. And instead, the CEO had offered her jasmine tea, after saving her and letting her sleep on her couch. The same couch that was probabl worth more than Kara's entire apartment. And she had not even thanked her. The girl had caught her, damn it, and Kara had left without even saying thank you for not letting her go. The young woman rolled her eyes.

    She dialed the number once, erased it, dialed it again. Erased it again, dialed it. And she was going to delete it again when her finger slipped on the Call button.

 _Fucking Karma_.

    She couldn't retreat. She put her phone against her ear, and waited, trying to steady her breathing.

    " _This is Lena Luthor._ "

    She nearly strangled when she heard the cold voice, and it took her several seconds to answer.  
   
    "Lena?" She stopped, unsure if she was allowed to call her by her first name, "I mean ... Miss Luthor?"

    The other was obviously waiting for her to introduce herself and she swallowed hard before continuing.

    "It's Kara."

    She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

    " _Kara, how are you?_ "

    She heard a smile in Lena's voice, her tone incredibly more familiar. Kara heard herself mumble a _better thank you i mean yes i guess hum yes yes better_. Who was she trying to convince? Her life was a big, big, big mess, and the person who was most aware of it was the one she was talking to. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply.

    "I'm so sorry to bother you, I already did this morning, and then I slept on your couch all day, in your office ..." _Pathetic_. She didn't know how to finish her sentence, which already didn't make a lot of sense. "And I also wanted to thank you for everything, for saving me, for bringing me with you, and I have to leave my boyfriend's house because he... we had a fight yesterday so I can't stay, and I argued with my sister, and ... and I don't know what to do, or where to go. " Her voice broke as she started shaking again, on the verge of a panic attack. She had to make an effort to understand what Lena told her.

    " _Listen, I'm on my way to my apartment, you have my address on the paper I gave you, meet me there, or I can pick you up if you want, but don't worry._ " Her voice was soft and calming, and the blonde felt her stress drop quickly. " _It's gonna be okay, Kara_." The blonde girl collected the little strength she had left to answer her.

    "Thanks... I'll take the bus... I don't know how to thank you, Miss Luthor."

    She heard the woman giggle on the other end of the phone.

    " _If you really want to thank me, you can start by calling me Lena_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AM HERE  
> i wanted to post chapter two today, and i did, i know, amazing.  
> hope you'll enjoy it, chapter 3 will be a lot more about Kara and Lena together.
> 
>  
> 
> ok bye now
> 
> (btw MuchOTPSuchShips i realised that private messages didn't exist on ao3, so one of my friend corrected my work, but thanks anyway !)


	3. fight fears for the selfish pain

    After she had hung up, Lena had realized that besides her brother and Sam, no one had come to her apartment for at least a year and a half. She had friends, but they would always hang out outside or at someone else's place. She didn't like to share her intimacy. At all. And yet the prospect of receiving Kara did not make her particularly anxious. On the other hand, the sight of the mess that had taken control of her apartment made her anxious. Just a little. A lot. _Fuck_. Ten minutes later, two trash bags were full, all the items lying around had been hidden under her bed because, and her apartment was finally starting to look like something. During those ten minutes, Lena regretted not living in a studio, because a six-room apartment took much longer to clean.

    When she heard a knock on the door, Lena threw the sponge she was holding in her kitchen and ran to open.

    "Hey..."

    Lena felt a smile appear on her face at the sight of the girl. A second later, she bit her lip as she saw Kara's red, swollen eyes. She must have cried on the way. The blonde gave her a weaker but gentle smile.

    "Come in, I’ll help you get your boxes inside"

    Lena watched with curiosity Kara's reaction to the apartment. She saw her mouth open and her eyes widen as she was contemplating the hall. The raven-haired set the boxes to the ground, while Kara hesitated, not knowing where to put the guitar she had on her back. She ultimately seemed to decide to keep on carrying it, awkwardly rocking back and forth and avoiding Lena's eyes. The CEO was about to suggest her to just leave her guitar in the hall when the taller girl suddenly spoke.

    "It’s… Whoa. Really nice apartment." Her eyes were still wide-open in awe.

    Lena’s shoulder shook as she burst into laughter.

    "It’s way too big for me. I barely use two rooms, but my brother picked it for me so I couldn't exactly refuse."

    "Well, your hall is bigger than my living room and kitchen combined…"

    Kara abruptly froze and blushed slightly. Lena realized that she was afraid to say something wrong. The brunette smiled at her and she seemed to relax a little.

    "Sometimes it feels like living in a hangar. In college, I used to live in a very small apartment with my boyfriend, and it felt way more like home."

    She paused, noticing that Kara had started fidgeting and moving back and forth again.

    "You… you have a boyfriend? Is he here? I’m so sorry… I can’t believe I’m invading your privacy like that… I…"

    When the blonde had started rambling, Lena had closed the gap between them, brows furrowed in concern. The young woman stopped murmuring apologies when Lena grazed her shoulder with one hand. The way she was all of a sudden so okay with touching someone she barely knew shocked her suspicious-self, but she met Kara's eyes, and they were still _so very blue_.

    "First, I live here alone. Second, you’re not invading my privacy, I invited you. Third…" She searched for her words, "...you are welcomed to stay here as long as you want, Kara."

    The woman peered at her for what seemed like forever. Lena found it strangely hard to focus. Kara frowned, looking confused.

    "How can you be so nice to me?" she said, tilting her head to the side.

    Lena was very self-conscious of the fact that she probably looked just as puzzled. As she tried to find an answer, _it's because of_ _your eyes_ seemed like a very honest one. And a very creepy one. And also not the biggest reason.

    "I… I know how much life can hurt sometimes. How hard it can get." It was true. All her teenage years when she was desperately looking for Lilian's approval. When her father had died, and her mother had pushed her away, even more than she already did. When Jack had died, leaving her drunk for five days... "But I also know that sometimes it’s too hard to deal with it alone. And I’ve had people to help me." Mostly her brother. And Sam. "And I want to help you because if I was lucky enough to catch you this morning, I’m not letting you go tonight."

    She saw Kara's eyes well up in tears.

    "Thanks," she said, and the girl’s voice broke. So did Lena’s heart. Again.

...

    Lena had put Kara's stuff in the room she had prepared for her while the blonde had gone to take a shower. She went back to the kitchen and searched the drawers for delivery food menus. _Tidying up,_ _Lena,_ _tidying up_ , _does this mean anything to you_? Her stomach had kindly informed her that it was time to eat, growling as delicately and as elegantly as possible. She had not eaten anything neither in the morning nor at lunch. A normal human was not supposed to do that, but normal was not the best way to describe Lena. Especially not now.

    After finally finding the right drawer, the raven-haired girl spread out all the menus in front of her. Pizza? Pasta? Chinese? Her reflections were interrupted by footsteps. She turned her head as Kara walked through the kitchen door. Her long hair was wet and was just beginning to undulate. She had changed into a dinosaur pajama, and _ugh she was cute. Not cute, adorable. Wait. Inappropriate. Could anyone read her thoughts? Could Kara read her thoughts? Crap. What if a device that would read thoughts existed? Anyway, she took it back. Well, she didn’t actually take it back, because she didn’t care if a girl was cute or whatever. It was just a fact. Was someone talking?_

    "…used your soap because I left mi… Lena, are you okay ?"

    Apart from the fact that her brain cells had momentarily stopped functioning, causing her to stare stupidly? She was doing great. _What the fuck was that, Lena?_

    "Yes! I was just trying to…" She searched the room desperately, "...to choose what kind of food we could order because I'm starving... Pizza? Pasta? Chinese?"

    At the word "Chinese", Kara's eyes brightened. A small smile appeared on her face.

    "Chinese sounds great! Do you like potstickers?" she asked with a very serious voice.

    "I actually never tried", Lena replied, "I tend to stay in my comfort zone when it comes to food. So most of the time I settle for rice and spring rolls."

    Lena saw the girl’s eyes widen and her mouth gap.

    "I understood what life was really about when I started eating potstickers. Trust me, it’s worth the risk."

    And for once, Lena left her comfort-zone as she ordered "as many potstickers as you can put in the biggest box available, and more if you can", repeating Kara's exact words. The taller woman had sat down on one of the bar stool, staring distractedly at the menus. She seemed more relaxed. Well, relaxed was probably not the proper word. Less on the edge? The young woman gave the impression of being more comfortable around Lena. They had even laughed together. But the CEO wasn't blind. Both of them were avoiding _the_ subject. And Lena had no idea how to bring it up without rushing the girl. She had always had a knack for saying the appropriate thing to the right person in the right situation. If being a Luthor had taught her something, it was that. And yet she felt completely disconcerted. She had tried to remember how Sam comforted her when she was in pain. But it was totally different, Sam was her best friend and knew her more than anyone else. But how was Lena supposed to comfort a girl she had met thirteen hours ago?

    Lena's heart melted as her eyes drifted on the bruise coloring the blonde's cheek. _It must be her boyfriend._ Anger welled up in her chest at that thought. Wherever he was, she hoped that Karma would hit him.

    Hard.

    And preferably in the face.

 

\---

 

    Kara had just locked the bathroom's door when she saw her reflection in the mirror. For the first time since the day before, she actually paid attention to her appearance. Misty and haggard eyes stared back at her. She was drawn and tired, every part of her face seemed to scream  _hey I'm_ _lost_. She looked the way she felt, sore. Deciding not to linger on her cheek, because she didn't need that now, she leaned her hands on the sink and approached her face close to the mirror.

_It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s. Fine._

    She whispered this sentence several times, like a mantra. Well, it was not _that_ fine. But at least it was not as bad as the last few hours. Thanks to Lena. Lena, whose bathroom was the size of her room.  _H_ _er old room_ , she corrected. Lena, whose bathtub could have literally housed a dolphin. And a few fishes. Whatever. It was not _that_ bad because she had a place to sleep, and she was not alone with her thoughts in a hotel room. It almost felt stable. Even safe? Maybe she could be just a little happy that night. She tried to smile to her reflection. Her smile was like a Made in China product. It looked fine, but it didn't last long. Why was she doing metaphors? Perhaps she could pretend that it was a normal day, that she was just spending a normal evening with a normal friend.

    Who had just happened to have saved her life the very same day.

    Kara shook her head to prevent her thoughts from becoming blurred. She had a shower to take.

...

    After ordering their food, Lena offered to settle in the living room. It was surprisingly not that big compared to the rest of the apartment. And when she entered it, Kara immediately noticed a much more personal touch. The walls were half hidden by shelves filled with books, except one that was completely -yes, completely- covered by a flat screen TV. There were other books on the fireplace and a chess game on a coffee table. The whole formed an atypical but strangely peaceful living room. Kara stayed still a few seconds to examine the room. Yep, peaceful.

    The young woman was alone for the moment because Lena had gone to take a shower. She carefully walked towards the shelves. On the first one, Plato and Socrates rubbed shoulders with Tolstoy and Dostoevsky, who were themselves surrounded by several novels by Dickens and Joyce and what appeared to be the complete works of Jane Austen and Shakespeare. Kara moved to the second row. It was apparently reserved for French authors. Zola, Balzac, Hugo, Corneille, Racine, Moliere, Camus. A book, considerably old-looking and probably collector, had been deposited in front of the others. Attempting to remember her distant French lessons, Kara deciphered _À La Recherche du Temps Perdu, Tome 1, Du Côté de Chez Swan, Proust_. She would have loved to leaf through it, but afraid of damaging a book that was certainly worth more than her car, she simply tried to imagine what it could talk about. How could you waste time? But above all, how could you ever get it back? Maybe the book gave the answer. The next shelf was filled with books in Italian, Spanish, and German. _How many languages can she speak_ , Kara wondered, remembering painfully well the difficulties she had encountered to learn Spanish and French in school. And she could barely have a conversation with a third grade in French. It had been a waste of time. The blonde kneeled to examine the last shelf. She couldn't help but smile when she recognized the books. Every _Harry Potter_. The three volumes of the _Lord of the Rings_. Comics, science-fiction books, _The Chronicles of Narnia_ , a lot of _Sherlock Holmes_. She was still on her knees when a voice made her jump.

    "I see you've discovered my collection of _Lena you're way too old to read that_ ," said the girl, who had just materialized behind her. She had also changed into pajamas - Star Wars pajamas - and was almost entirely disappearing under the two blankets she was carrying. _This girl is definitely full of surprises_. Kara got up to help her and put the blankets on the couch.

    "I happen to have the exact same collection somewhere inside my boxes, and trust me I get a ton of _Kara you’re way too old to read that_ too." Lena had collapsed on the couch and the girl sat next to her. The raven-haired woman had closed her eyes, and Kara was struck by the difference between the Lena Luthor who was on the front cover of at least one magazine a week, serious and unperturbed, and the Lena Luthor who was laying in front of her.

    "When my brother makes fun of me because of those books, I can handle it," Lena stated, drawing Kara from her thoughts. "But when I lose a contract because a middle-aged man believes that working with a woman who enjoys reading _The Wizard of Oz_ may harm the image of his company, it becomes annoying." Lena grabbed her phone and Kara saw her scrolling in her music library.

    "Did that actually happen to you ?" Kara asked, eyes wide in disbelief.

    "Yes it has, that’s why my office looks so damn empty now." The blond followed Lena's movement with her eyes. She had gotten up an was now turning the speakers on. "I learned my lesson. Always hide the dirty little secrets," she added, laughing.

    And when Kara started laughing too, she felt the knot in her stomach getting a little less disturbing. The world could have boiled down to this book-filled room, where nothing seemed to go wrong. Kara heard the first notes of a piano piece, and _oh god she knew this one_.

    "Is the music okay? It’s the intermezzo of the Carnival of Vienna," Lena asked, as Kara had started smiling.

    "Yeah I know, you already told me," she answered absentmindedly.

    "Have I ?"

    Lena raised an eyebrow. _Yes, of course, she had told her, in her dre… Oh. Oh yeah ok_.

    "I mean… not you. You know, I already knew this piece, but no you didn’t tell me yeah of course." Her attempt to sound natural failed, and she ended up pathetically struggling to keep herself from blushing, or more accurately, from going as red as a beetroot.

    Lena looked puzzled for a moment, but her face soon regained her amused expression as the doorbell rang, saving Kara from her awkward rambling.

    "Food !" Lena yelled as she ran out of the living-room.

    ‘ _Oh yeah, you told me, remember when I was dreaming of you, like, five hours ago_ ?’ Ugh, she was such a dork, a completely social-inept dork.

    "Now if I don’t enjoy those potstickers as much as you said I would, I shall be very disappointed." Her new friend had paid the delivery guy and was now trying to make room on one of the coffee tables to empty the bags.

    "Hum, excuse me, if _you_ don’t enjoy potstickers _I_ am the one who _shall_ be very disappointed in you," Kara teased as she pointed her finger accusingly towards the woman.

    Lena mumbled a _well we’ll see_ as she opened the enormous box and stuffed a potsticker into her mouth.

    "Well, it’s not that bad," Lena conceded, smirking. "You were right, it’s rather… delicious, actually."

    Kara tilted her head back and yelled in triumph. Of course, she was right, they were talking about potstickers, goddamnit.

   ...

    And the evening went on, between music and Chinese sauces.

    Kara had asked Lena about _À La Recherche Du Temps Perdu_ , and she had been captivated by the woman's explanations. This guy was fascinating. So was Lena when she was speaking, her green eyes sparkling. She had asked Kara if she could speak French. As the girl had answered  _of course baguette and croissant_ , her host had gotten up and after darting at the shelves, she had handed Kara a book with an enigmatic smile on her face.

    On the cover, Kara had read _In Search Of The Lost time, Volume 1, Swann’s Way, Proust_.

    "Take it, I have the French version. You can return it to me when you'll be done."

    Gratitude had flowed through the girl, and without giving it much thought, she had gotten up and had given Lena a quick hug.

    They had talked for hours. At some point, Lena had asked her if she had used Arnica to help her bruise heal. Kara had noticed the way the other woman had distractedly cracked her knuckles and how the muscles on her face had slightly tightened. Not wanting to worry her, she had accepted to apply some on her cheek. But when she had raised her hand to massage her face, she had realized that she couldn’t do it. Her arm had stayed stuck in the air, halfway to her head. She couldn't do it.

    So Lena had told her about her travels, her time at MIT, her relationship with her brother, how he had taught her chess right after her adoption, the hardships with her mother, her father’s death. Meanwhile, she had gently stroked Kara’s cheekbone, as the girl’s apprehension was vanishing behind Lena’s soothing voice and touch.

    Kara had started noticing things about Lena. How she would sometimes stop speaking and slightly bite her lower lip. How she would sometimes give Kara intense looks, her mouth just slightly opened. How much her eyes reflected every emotion she felt, getting darker and lighter. For the first time in her life, Kara had truly understood the meaning of the phrase _eyes are the window to the soul_.     

    And Kara had spontaneously started talking about herself. Her adoption when she was thirteen, after both her parents had died in a plane accident. The first time she had seen her foster parents and her new sister, Alex. How they had grown closer and closer. How she would play guitar and sing to deal with her emotions. Her time at the National City University, where she had found out that she wanted to be a journalist. How she had been hired at Cat Co, and…

    "Waituwerkfourkatko?" Lena interrupted, mouth full of the last coconut pearls.

    "Yeah I totally understood what you just said," Kara said, nodding vigorously.

    Lena rolled her eyes. She finished chewing and swallowed the last bite, half choking because she had done it too fast.

    "I said ‘wait you work for Cat Co ?’"

    "Well I used to," the blonde articulated, as she could feel resentment blossoming within her, "but I got fired nine months ago."

    "What! Why ?"

    Lena's voice sounded really displeased.

    "My boss had forbidden me to publish an article, but I did it nonetheless. The next day I was jobless. And I knew I had zero chance of getting my job back because of him. That’s why I started working at the ba…"

    "Who was your boss ?" Lena interrupted once again. She put the food box she was holding back on the table and turned to face the blonde, cocking her head to the side.

    Kara narrowed her eyes. Why was Lena suddenly interested in insignificant details?

    "A guy named Snapper Carr."

    And slowly, a broad grin formed on the CEO's face. Kara gave her a puzzled look.

    "Well I guess you should apply once again, your job is waiting for you," she stated, as she leaned back with her hand behind her head. She looked very proud of herself.

_What the fuck?_

    "I’m not quite sure I’m following…" Kara was now facing Lena too, whose smile was filled with pride and self-contentment.

    "I fired him last week."

      _What. The. Fuck._

    "What… What do you mean you fired him? You work at Cat Co ?"

    Oh gosh she was so confused.

    "Well…" Lena was staring directly in Kara’s eyes, maintaining eye contact in a way that made the girl feel like she was floating in a candy floss cloud -the kind of candy floss that contained way too much sugar to be healthy. "I may or may not own Cat Co. I bought it two months ago."

    Oh. That was unexpected. So that was what her life was like now ? _A fucking Hitchcock movie with a plot twist every ten seconds_ _?_ Kara didn’t know how to react, so she chose to just stare stupidly like a cow gawking at a train because that was unexpected.

    "Uh…"

 _Get your shit together goddamnit_.

    Meanwhile, Lena was just calmly sipping tea, when she suddenly almost spit it all out.

    "Kara Danvers! Your last name is Danvers! I’ve read your articles! The ones about immigration were so genuine and heartbreaking… You’re like… brilliant !" Lena was now fussing on the couch, knocking over several empty boxes. She knelt on the floor to repair her damages. "Ugh, I can’t believe this son of a bitch fired you… well, no need to apply, you’ve got your job back !"

    Kara had stayed quiet. It was unbelievable. Lena owned Cat Co? James had mentioned that the journal had been bought by a very important company, but he hadn’t insisted, seeing that Kara was still very affected by her dismissal. Why didn’t he tell her about Snapper when they had hung out a few days ago? _He took two weeks off_ , she remembered. But wait. Now she had the opportunity to get her job back. It was a big step forward to clean up her life. To leave this situation she was stuck in since she had been fired. She could forget about Mike, about the bar. And yet. And yet that was not right.

    "Lena…" The raven-haired girl got up, the boxes she had picked up in her hands. "It’s… I just can’t believe how nice you are to me, I mean… You’re letting me sleep at your place, you’re trying to cheer me up, and the most amazing thing is that it’s actually working." It was so true, she felt like she had left all of her problems in her old apartment, forgetting all about the alcohol, Mike, her argument with her sister, the bridge, the… thing she had done, it was confusing and yet exactly what she needed. And even if she knew she would eventually have to deal with everything, she didn’t feel sick anymore. This night just felt so right. But this was too much. She couldn’t accept it. "I can’t Lena, this… this is not the way I want to get my job back."

    Guilt was written all over Kara’s face as she glanced uncomfortably at Lena. But the woman didn't seem upset, and Kara’s worried instantly reduced when Lena offered her a genuinely soft, and maybe even admiring smile.

    "I’m not offering you to get your job back because I pity you." The girl’s eyes were full of honesty and Kara could do nothing but trust her. "I want you to come back to Cat Co because you are a talented writer with great potential, don’t try to argue on this, I've read your articles. And also because Snapper Carr is a presumptuous stuck-up overconfident and sexist asshole who makes irrationals decisions."

    Kara couldn’t help chuckling because that was a perfect summary of her previous boss’ temper. This guy was a living nightmare. If she had learned that he was the reincarnation of Randall Boggs from Monsters, Inc, she wouldn't have been surprised. Scaring kids was a job that would have suited him perfectly. Kara was about to argue once again but Lena didn’t leave her enough time to do so.

    "I know what you’re going to tell me -that I’m not impartial. So I’ve got a suggestion."

    How could someone be so nice and so caring and so fascinating?

    "My best friend, Samantha Arias, works as a recruiter for L-Corp, but also for Cat Co. She wasn’t planning to hire anyone until next month, but I’ll tell her to start the interviews sooner. I won’t tell her anything about you, you’ll apply like anyone else. And when you’ll get hired -I used _when_  on purpose because Sam is a very smart woman- it won’t be because I pulled strings or anything."

    She had spoken firmly and clearly, and Kara didn’t have anymore argument. Saying that all of this was surreal was probably the biggest understatement… ever.

    "The list of the things I need to thank you for is getting ridiculously long, you know," she mumbled, her voice shaking with emotion. She felt so grateful that it _physically hurt_. All the things that the billionaire woman -who had billions of better things to do- had done for her came rushing back into her mind. All of this just in a few hours. Lena was saving her in every way possible, and it was so good that it _hurt_.

    And for the second time that day, Lena took the sobbing girl in her arms.

_Maybe it was a little bit fine, after all._

 

\---

 

     Lena had a vague memory of being awakened by Kara in the middle of the night so she wouldn't sleep on the couch. She had probably fallen asleep while they were watching Harry Potter, because the last line she remembered hearing was " _It’s Levioooosa, not Leviosaaaa_ ". In her dream, she had seen a girl with long blonde hair and blue eyes flying around on a broomstick yelling " _NEARLY HEADLESS? HOW CAN YOU BE NEARLY HEADLESS ?_ "

    Yep, her dreams always made a lot of sense.

    As soon as she woke up, she realized that she had forgotten to set an alarm. It was 10:27. One of the many advantages of being the CEO of her company was that nobody would check if she was respecting her schedule. And today she had no meeting planned. But she had always been more productive in the morning, so she would usually wake up around 6:30. She dragged herself to her room's bathroom. At the sight of her reflection, Lena burst into laughter. _Bad hair day_. Wavy on the right, straight on the left and... weird on the back. She looked paler than usual -which was not easy at all.

_What’s up, Dracula?_

    When she got out of the shower, the smell of toast brought her into the kitchen. She found Kara preparing breakfast, already fully clothed. The blonde did not look as sore as the day before. She seemed... more peaceful.  
  
    "Teaaaaaa," Lena exclaimed, making Kara jump and almost drop the two cups of tea she was carrying.

    "God, Lena !" She set the cups she was holding on the table, followed by the amused gaze of the raven-haired. Kara had put on some subtle make-up. With mascara, her eyes looked deeper and even bluer. The bags under her eyes had been carefully hidden behind a small layer of concealer. _Well, I must look like shit_ , Lena complained to herself.

    "Remind me never to watch a horror movie with you."

    Kara grabbed the perfectly toasted slices of bread. "You’re just so sneaky !"

    Lena waggled her eyebrows teasingly before moving on to a much more interesting subject.

    "Did you actually make me breakfast ?" she enthusiastically asked as Kara was handing her a plate full of the rather delicious looking toasts.

    "Yes I did," Kara nodded, offering Lena a cup of tea. "The sooner I start thanking you the better."

    Lena faked a hurt look. "Because you want to get rid of me as soon as possible?"

    "Because if I don’t start now, I’ll run out of time. The seventy-five something years I have left are probably not enough anyway. So as I said, I’d better get started." And even if it was said as a joke, Lena could hear that it was not _just_ a joke. She was about to point that out when Kara’s phone started ringing. The taller girl fumbled into her pocket and got the device out. She gave Lena an apologizing look, mumbling that it was her sister. The CEO mouthed  _it’s okay_ as Kara answered, moving to a corner of the kitchen. Lena thought about leaving the room to give the blonde some privacy, but her presence didn't seem to disturb her.

    "Hey, Alex…" Kara paused, and Lena heard _what the fuck Kara where the hell are you_ coming from the other end of the phone. "I’m staying at a friend’s… No, you don’t know her." She paused longer. "Wait Alex, can we not talk about that on the phone? Let’s just meet somewhere… No, not the bar." Another pause. "It’s Mike’s apartment not mine, I don’t live there anymore… It's complicated, I’ll tell you, but please not on the phone." The blonde turned to Lena and mouthed _what time is it_. The woman checked her watch and whispered _10:56_. The taller girl raised her thumb at her. "12:30 at your place? Ok great." She paused once more, and Lena couldn’t help but notice the way Kara’s expression had gone blank, her blue eyes unfocused as she stared into space. "Don’t worry, it’s nothing important… Yep, bye."

    Lena gave the girl a worried glance. _You don’t have to pretend you’re okay_. She didn’t say anything and at some point, Kara’s eyes met hers. _Please don’t hide your sadness behind a smile_. Kara smiled at her. The smaller girl sighed internally. She dropped the two spoons she was holding and moved towards Kara. The girls maintained eye contact, and they were now barely two feet apart. Lena needed to ask her this question. But she didn’t want to overstep. They had met the day before, and she already felt comfortable talking to Kara, in a way that confused her greatly. She had always been pretty good at delimiting even complex personalities. And god knows how skeptic she was. It had taken her three years -freshman, sophomore and junior years in high school- to completely trust Sam. She didn’t open to a lot of people, but she had felt so close to Kara. The moment she had seen her eyes as she was holding her on the bridge, she had forgotten all about her barriers and carefully built walls. And for the first time in ages, she had trusted her heart and not her brain. And god that felt good. But it wasn’t about her. She had heard how honest Kara’s voice had sounded, how she had seemed to relax the night before. So she decided that she would take the risk.

    "Are you… going to tell your sister ?"

    Lena had tried to make her voice as soft as possible. It was the first time she was directly mentioning the event of the day before to Kara. The girl didn’t answer for a moment, eyes locked in Lena’s. The CEO’s heartbeat had quickened and her heart nearly leaped out of her chest when the blonde slowly opened her mouth to speak.

    "I don’t think I can," Kara murmured, her voice just as soft as Lena’s. The girl smiled sadly. And in front of such an honest statement, the other woman couldn’t think of any appropriate answer, so she simply grabbed the girl's hand and gently squeezed it.

...

    "So how did you figure out that I liked drinking tea in the morning ?"

    They had eaten breakfast in her living room. Wishing to distract Kara, Lena had given her the details about when to apply to Cat Co. She had then asked her what she loved about journalism. And it wasn’t actually _just_ to distract the woman. The brunette had read Kara's articles, and _fuck they were good_. She wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but one of them had even made her cry a little. She had noticed Kara’s optimism and sense of justice. This girl always tried to find the good in people, and you could feel it in the way she wrote.

    And now they were back in her kitchen, washing the dishes.

    "Are you kidding me ?" Kara turned around. The pitch of her voice had gone so high that Lena couldn’t stop herself from grinning from ear to ear. "First of all, you have only one tiny box of coffee. And trust me, someone who needs coffee in the morning doesn’t have _one tiny box_. Second, your house is a goddamn tea museum. Seven tea ball… Seriously, do you have a weekly schedule to use them?"

    When they were done cleaning the kitchen, Kara gathered the few things she needed for the day. Lena was waiting for her in the hall, ready to head to L-Corp. When the blond joined her, she asked her what she intended to do for the night.

    "I’ll crash at my sister’s place. She won’t be able to make out with her girlfriend for a few days with me around, but I guess she’ll have to survive." Kara turned to look at her. "Again, I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done."

    Lena smiled gently. "You know you can stay here longer, right? But I understand that you want to see your sister." She fumbled in her handbag and handed Kara a key pair. "I probably won’t be home before 11 pm, so come pick up your stuff whenever you want. Just leave the keys on the kitchen table, the door locks automatically when you close it."

    The blond took the keys and put them in a safe place in her backpack.

    "Do you realize you’re amazing ?"

 _Do you realize that your eyes keep getting bluer each time I look into them_ , Lena automatically thought, immediately burying that thought under several layers of _Lena that’s inappropriate_.

    "I would really appreciate if you could put a review on TripAdvisor." She opened the door to let Kara out. "By the way, I found another thing you could do to thank me."

    The blonde did a U-turn, her eyes literally shining with hope. The CEO locked the door behind her. "Have lunch with me tomorrow, come to my office, I’ll tell my secretary to let you in. Then we can go to some random cafe." And when Kara agreed immediately, quiet contentment spread through Lena's body. She was going to help this girl cleaning the mess in her life. It was going to be hard, but at the same time so worth it.

 

\---

 

    As Kara was looking through the window of the bus, she thought that maybe there was a chance that she could get back on track. For now, she was not ok, she was in a bad place and she could feel it. But she was going to clean the mess in her life. Forget about that fucking bridge and that fucking suicide attempt. Because that was not her. It was going to be hard, but at the same time so worth it. And all the models she was seeing on the ads seemed to have green eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY.  
> I can't believe I'm actually uploading this chapter, it took me sooooo long. I started writing it ten days after uploading chapter two... 
> 
> This chapter is a little less angsty, but not for so long :c
> 
> Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed it. If you think that the writing is not great, it's because i wrote directly in english, cuz am lazy af and it would have taken me too much time to translate everything. Just tell me in the comments. 
> 
> I probably won't be able to post regularly because exams are gonna start soon, you can expect a chapter every 9-12 days. And btw, this chapter should have contained a scene between Kara and Alex but I really wanted to upload today, so it will be for the next time.
> 
> just want to thank everyone who read/left kudos/commented you guys are great <3
> 
> ok bye now


	4. it was worth it every time, part 1

 

        Kara knew it wouldn’t be easy with Alex. She knew she would probably break into tears. She also knew she would struggle to speak and to explain her sister where the awful bruise she had on her cheek came from. She knew Alex would be worried, then angry and that there was a high chance that she would try to storm out of the apartment to beat Mike up. The girl hoped Maggie was there because a calm Alex was already very hard to contain, so an angry Alex was... something else. And she also knew she would probably not tell her about what had happened. She could already feel the words get stuck in her throat. For one night she had felt like all of this was just some kind of nightmare she had locked somewhere in the back of her mind along with everything she didn't want to remember. And now that she was standing in front of her sister's door, she had to remind herself breathing was not something she could stop doing for a very long time. It was either dying because of the lack of air or knocking at that stupid door which seemed to make fun of her. So she knocked, maybe a little too hard but that door definitely deserved it. She heard rushed footsteps and the concerned face of her sister appeared in the doorway.

        "Kara, finally, you got us so worried, what..."

        Alex stopped, and _yep, she noticed_. Kara had expected it to be quick, but maybe not that quick. She saw her sister's jaw go slack and her eyes go round. _Here we go_.

        "What the FUCK happened to you." Alex had completely opened the door and Kara was walking inside, head down when she felt a hand on her cheek. She couldn't stop herself from jerking back.

        "I-I'm sorry..." Alex mumbled, and Kara lifted her head. Hot tears were falling down her face. "Oh, Kara..." And the girl started sobbing hard. She just wanted Alex to hug her and tell her that she would always be here to help her and that everything would be fine. She just wanted her sister back. She felt Alex pulling her into a hug, her arms protectively wrapped around her shoulders. Kara buried her head into Alex's collar bone as she was crying, her tears wetting the brunette's T-Shirt.

        "Shhhh, it's okay, you're safe, Kara." Alex was gently drawing circles with her hand on the blonde's back. They stayed like that for a long time. Crying in her sister's arms felt good, it was warm and liberating. But it still hurt though. _You're either part of the family, or you're not_. Yeah, it still hurt. She drew back slightly, locking eyes with her sister.

        "I missed you." Kara's voice was weaker than the girl would have wanted it to be.

        "I missed you too, I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it I was just..." Alex shut her eyes closed for a second, a single tear escaping them. "You're my family, and you'll always be. I didn't mean a single word I said when we argued. God, I was so stupid." The brunette put her head in her hands for moment and Kara could hear her heavy breathing. All of this was a huge useless mess.

        "I can't lose you like this, I just can't feel like I don't belong with you. Since my parents died..." Kara tried to steady her shaking voice, but she knew it was useless, she was always an emotional mess when she talked about her parents' death. "...since my parents died you're the only one I truly felt home with... and-and I can't lose that too." As another wave of tears overtook her, she felt herself being drawn into a tight hug. She rested her head in Alex's chest, who looked overwhelmed by guilt and remorse.

        "You'll always, always belong with me, I- I'm sorry I didn't make you feel this way, but you'll always do," Alex whispered as she gently patted her little sister's head.

        "Promise?"

        "Promise."

        They stayed in each other's arms for a long time. When they hugged, Kara always loved to adjust her breathing to her sister's. The first time she had done this was a few months after her arrival at the Danver's house. Alex had made it her mission to pretend that her new sister didn't exist. Kara had never blamed her, and she had made it _her_ mission to be as discreet as possible because she didn't want to annoy the teenage girl. She barely opened her mouth, neither at home to avoid being in the spotlight nor at school because she was afraid of embarrassing Alex. Bottling up her emotions had been the easiest way to succeed and for a few months, it had worked. But one night it hadn't worked anymore. Kara had tried her best to be quiet, but her sobs had woken Alex up. And for the first time, Alex had hugged her, and for the first time, it had been just the two of them breathing in sync. Just like now.

        "Kara ?"

        "Hmm?"

        "We need to talk now."

        "I know."

        The blonde inhaled deeply before taking her sister's hand and leading her to the couch. They sat face to face and Kara grabbed a pillow she started hugging tightly. She gave a half-smile to Alex whose eyes were fixed on her cheek. Making sure Kara was okay with it, Alex slowly extended her arm until her hand brushed against the blonde's cheek once again. This time, she didn't jerk back, mainly because the softness of the touch reminded her of Lena's. And of how soothing her voice was. And of how green her ey...

        "Did you put Arnica on it ?" Alex asked, trying not so subtly to bring the subject up.

        "Yeah, I did don't worry."

        They resumed their silent staring and Alex had now her hand on Kara's. The brunette chewed on her bottom lip, visibly trying to find the right words. _Fuck it_.

        "Mike and I argued and he punched me," she blurted. Mike's name left a bitter taste in Kara's mouth, like if it was some kind of rude word she was not used to saying. Alex's face drastically changed in a matter of nanoseconds. As her face was becoming red, like, really red, her eyes started burning with rage.

        "He did WHAT ?" she yelled, clenching her fist so hard that her knuckles turned white. "I'm gonna slaughter him." And before Kara could say anything, the door opened and then came a joyful and oblivious voice.

        "Are you still yelling at your computer, babe? I swear, insulting it will just make things wor..." Maggie turned her head and her jaw fell open. It must have been quite a sight to see Kara crying, a black-eye on her face, and Alex looking like she was about to... well, to slaughter someone.

        "Okkk, you're not talking to your computer."

        The two sisters remained quiet, looking at Maggie who was awkwardly rocking back and forth.

        "Do you want me to leave? I totally get it if you need a moment."

        Kara blinked several times to get rid of the tears that were blurring her vision, and visibly Alex was not going to talk so she had to be the one to do it because Maggie looked really, really uncomfortable right now.

        "Please don't." She wiped her face with her sleeve and Maggie's face seemed to relax a little. The woman left her handbag in the hall and walked towards the two sisters. The more they had learned to know each other, the more Kara had felt comfortable talking to Maggie, so she was okay with her staying. In addition, Alex's face was very red, and that was not good.

        "I'm going to SLAUGHTER HIM." Alex had literally roared and a second later she had jumped on her feet and was heading to the door. Kara and Maggie ran after her, both grabbing one of her arms.

        "Alex, listen to me." Alex was visibly not listening, trying to free herself from her sister's and her girlfriend's hold. "I don't want you to do this, Alex. ALEX." When Kara raised her voice, her sister stopped moving and Kara cupped her face with her hands. "I don't want you to do this. Please." Her sister scrutinized her and Maggie gave Kara a worried look.

        "How..." Alex inhaled sharply and shut her eyes close. "How dare he touch you. I could kill him and make it look like an accident."

        Kara had no doubt on that. She removed her hands from her sister's face and rubbed her forehead.

        "I don't want you to do anything," she whispered softly. "He's not worth the bruises you'll get on your knuckles if you beat him up."

        Alex pressed her lips together and shook her head. "I don't get bruises when I hit a wimp like him."

        "Hey, excuse me but I was just wondering," Maggie interrupted, "are we actually talking about the person I'm thinking about?"

        Kara didn't answer, looking away to avoid Alex's look.

        "I said he was a wimp, Maggie, who else could it be," Alex replied, her voice dry and low, deprived of any amusement. Maggie sighed and removed her hold on Alex to turn to face Kara who was still looking in the void.

        "You know there are other ways than murder to punish him, right?" the smaller woman said, threateningly emphasizing the word _murder_  as to warn Alex. " I can take you to the police station so you can press charges if you want to."

        For a second, Kara contemplated the idea. But pressing charges meant going to the court, and probably seeing Mike. And this was the last thing she wanted. Her brain was already working on erasing his face from her memory, and she didn't want to disturb this process.

        "I- I just want to forget everything about it."

        Alex's eyes softened and she started rubbing her hand up and down Kara's arm.

        "I'm sorry, I'll do what you say. Although he would have totally deserved it, but whatever." Kara gave the women a half-smile and she pulled the two of them in a hug. Group hugs being a little awkward because _where the hell were they supposed to put their arms_ , they quickly drew back and Maggie offered them to cook lunch. She then proceeded to keep Alex from making herself a cup of coffee because she really didn't need more energy right now. Kara and Alex settled on the couch once again, the brunette placing her arm around her little sister's shoulder. It was warm and soft, to be in Alex's arms again. It was probably the thing she had missed the most during the past few days. She sighed in comfort and let her mind drift for a while. Lena infiltrated easily her thoughts once again. She was the definition of 'don't judge a book by its cover'. The thought of seeing her the next day brightened her mood, and Kara made a mental note to bring her something, like flowers for example. She was not an expert, but if she remembered well, Iris and Roses could mean _thank you_. Kara was thinking that she would buy some before picking Lena up when she realized that the CEO hadn't told her when she should come. She'd have to text her later to ask. Her thought process was interrupted by the smell of pasta and tomato sauce. Maggie was setting the table for the three of them, followed by Alex's interested gaze.

        "You've been dating for more than a year and Alex keeps on gawking at you Maggie, it's amazing," Kara commented teasingly. Her sister gave an exasperated yelp, protesting vigorously. Maggie made a U-turn and waggled her eyebrows.

        "I'm aware, don't worry." The brunette removed the pan from the heat and set the meal on the table. "Last time, I was on the couch..."

        Alex's eyes widened and her cheeks turned pink. "Maggie!" she screamed, as her girlfriend started laughing hysterically. Kara put her hands on her ears and warned them.

        "I swear to god if anything unethical happened on the couch I'm currently laying on I'll never step foot in this apartment again. Please preserve my innocence."

        Maggie was still laughing uncontrollably and Alex's face was as red as the tomato sauce her girlfriend was serving. The smaller girl almost dropped the bowl and Alex got up to put it in a safe place.

        "Shut up and eat, Sawyer," Alex grumbled.

        Kara joined them and they ate while talking about random things to keep the girl's mind occupied. It was nice, chatting with her sister and Maggie. She could feel the connection between the two women, it had been there since the first time Kara had met Maggie. Maybe she should have seen that it had never been the same with Mike. That unlike Alex with her girlfriend, she had to make efforts and play a role to feel good with him. That there had always been something wrong with all of this. But no, she had tried maintaining their relationship afloat. _So stupid_ , she bitterly thought, but Alex cleared her throat and Kara realized that she was talking.

        "Hey, are you okay?"

        "Yeah, don't worry I'm fine." Her answer did not seem to satisfy the two young women who had the same concerned look. Kara plastered a smile on her face and took another spoonful of pasta.

        "So, do you want me to go get your stuff at Mike's apartment?" Maggie's tone was supposed to be soothing but Kara half-chocked nonetheless. She hoped she would never meet any other Mike, this name was now cursed forever.

        "It's okay, I already left everything at Lena's. But I could use some help carrying everything."

        Alex looked at her quizzically.

        "Lena? She's a friend of yours? I don't recall you ever talking about her."

        Yeah, because they had met the day before, and oh, she had saved her. A _very_ common way to make friends. Kara had to find something realistic, something that could convince both an FBI agent and a detective. _Easy peasy lemon squeezy_. Her rambling would probably not be extremely efficient but Kara hoped her sister wouldn't ask questions.

        "You don't know her, we have, hum, a friend in common." Alex narrowed her eyes, _ugh why couldn't she be a dentist and not a mind and expression reader?_ She kept on rambling. "Someone I knew from college. But we hadn't seen each other for a long time, and we kind of bumped into each other and he-she was there too, that's how we met." Alex had that what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about face on.

        "Did she go to NCU too?"

        "No, she went to MIT." It was the first true fact she was saying since the beginning of the conversation, but Alex looked surprisingly convinced as she nodded and proceeded to lick her plate.

        "Wait, are we talking about Lena Luthor?"

        Why, Maggie, why? For five seconds, Kara had hoped that they would just jump to another subject and avoid the story of their meeting. But as soon as Alex heard the name Luthor, she stopped licking the plate and her raised eyebrows appeared behind it.

        "I guess we are," Kara nodded sheepishly, trying to focus on her fork.

        And both Maggie and Alex asked a lot of questions, oblivious to the way Kara's heart sank each time she had to lie about Lena and how they had met. She could hear herself making up stories as the real words she actually wanted to say were stuck, unable to form meaningful sentences. Because none of this made sense. She didn't want to remember about those feelings, why couldn't she move on and forget everything about them? It was like being on a never-ending roller coaster. Feeling hopeful for a night, then desperate, then optimistic and hopeless once again. It was exhausting. Kara kept trying to push those thoughts away but she was always drawn back to them. It was like her heart was never beating at the same speed long enough for her to get used to it. Maybe Alex noticed that something was upsetting the blonde because she left the glass she was cleaning and walked the few meters that separated her from her sister, who had leaned her elbows on the window ledge and was looking outside with a distant look on her face. The girl turned around when she felt Alex's hand grab hers.

        "You know you can tell me anything, right?" she murmured, and Kara knew her sister would listen. She wanted to say it, to scream it. That she had tried to jump off a bridge and that it had felt like losing everything once again, just like when her parents had died, as if her whole world had been crumbling and she couldn't do anything but watch and wait, hoping that the sickness would go away. That it had hurt so much that the pain in her heart had become unbearable. That all of a sudden, something as simple as being _alive_ had crushed everything in her. _Breathe_. Alex was observing her face.

        She had to tell her.

        She opened her mouth slightly and she could feel her bottom lip shaking.

        She had to tell someone. _COME ON._

        Alex was still looking at her, she could do it, she could say it. Kara blinked once. And then she couldn't say it anymore. So she nodded and forced a smile. She could literally feel how fake it was. Her sister tried to hide the disappointment in her eyes but the blonde could see sadness clouding her features. Alex planted a quick kiss on Kara's forehead.

        "Let's go get your stuff, then."

\---

        Lena worried for the rest of the day. When Eve asked her how many sugars she wanted in her coffee and she answered _yes_ , she realized she was completely distracted. Just as the day before, she didn't get a lot of work done. Her thoughts refused to focus on anything other than how to help Kara get back on track. At 2 p.m, she ate alone on the rooftop of L-Corp. She liked to come there and listen to music or read to clear her mind during a particularly busy or stressful day. She had installed a chair and a table near the edge from where she could observe National City. L-Corp was the highest building in town and she could practically see anything from the roof, including the river. The goddamn river with its goddamn bridges. Lena sighed heavily and put on her headphones, opening her pasta salad. She scrolled through her music library and settled for Pink Floyd because she needed to feel high without smoking anything -not that she would have refused some weed right now. She closed her eyes and simply let herself be carried along by the songs. Lena had always been drawn to that kind of music. She remembered sitting in her bedroom and listening to The Dark Side Of The Moon with Sam when they were in senior year in high-school. They used to get high and drunk quite often until Sam had found out she was pregnant. They always listened to weird old bands and discussed things none of them would have thought about if they had been sober. They would mostly talk about philosophy, literature (Sam had a ridiculously vast culture that never ceased to amaze the raven-haired girl), and sometimes even politic. But Sam's pregnancy had transformed her we-are-teenagers-we-don't-care state of mind into a way more serious attitude, and Lena had grown with her because she hadn't wanted to let her friend deal with this hardship on her own. Their drinking parties had turned into nights spent trying to learn how to change a diaper and reading books on education.

 _Breathe, breathe in the air_  
_Don't be afraid to care_  
_Leave but don't leave me_  
_Look around and choose your own ground._

        Lena reopened her eyes and hummed the melody while letting her mind drift to her distant high-school years. When she felt a hand on her shoulder, she jumped and let out a surprised noise.

        "Hey, easy, I'm not planning on killing you yet," the newcomer joked with a playful smile on her lips.

        "I could fire you, you know," Lena sighed. She stopped her music and removed her headphones. Sam sat on the table in front of her and crossed her legs.

        "For helping my boss not to be some absolute antisocial dork?" She raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure you wouldn't survive without me anyway."

        So she wanted to play this game? Lena pressed her lips together and gave her her best disapproving look. "Your lack of respect will cause you trouble in your work life, Miss Arias."

        Sam didn't seem intimidated at all and the CEO let out an outraged yelp when the wrapping of her salad hit her head.

        "And your lack of communication with real persons will cause you troubles in your life in general, Miss Luthor."

        Lena gave her a dirty look and picked up her friend's ammunition.

        "You are the shittiest employee ever."

        "And you are the best boss ever."

        Sam winked at her and grabbed Lena's phone. The raven-haired woman didn't mind how familiar Sam was with her. They acted like bickering sisters almost all the time since high-school and Sam's strong personality had stopped bothering her a long time ago.

        "Pink Floy, huh... Do you want to get high or something? Because if you do, I can help."

        "We're in the middle of the day, Sam," the CEO reprimanded. "What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you supposed to do something -working, for example."

        She couldn't stop herself from grinning when Sam sighed exaggeratedly. They both knew she was excellent at her job and a hundred percent reliable, but that only made teasing her funnier.

        "As I said," Sam said, gazing at the view, "I'm trying to make sure my best friend gets her daily dose of human contact."

        "I am perfectly capable of having social interactions, thank you."

        Sam didn't seem convinced at all. She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes.

        "When was the last time you talked to one of your friends? Don't include me and Lex."

        "Last night and this morning!" Lena shouted proudly without thinking. Sam's eyes widened and a smug smile appeared on her face. _Oh god_.

        "That's not like _that_!" Lena left her chair and stood in front of the brunette. "One of my friends needed a place to stay, that's it."

        "Obviously. Ob-vi-ous-ly," Sam nodded slowly, smiling widely. "I didn't know you had friends -apart from me and your creepy brother."

        "First of all, ouch. And it's a girl, so don't get on your high horses."

        "So what?"

        "So I'm straight and she's simply a friend who needed my help. Now let's go back inside, I need to tell you a few things about Cat Co."

        Lena gathered her stuff under the amused gaze of her friend. She started walking toward the exit door when she realized Sam was not following her.

        "Sam! Stop looking at me like that! You know I hate it when you do that," she barked, putting her hand on her hips.

 _Huh_ was all Sam replied as she jumped off the table and followed Lena.

        "I swear to god I'm gonna fire you one of these days," Lena grumbled.

...

        She was alone in her office once again half an hour later. Sam had left with the instruction to start interviewing people for Cat Co the next day, and Lena started replying to some e-mails. Around five, she received a text from an unknown number. Her heart skipped a beat when she realized it was Kara, telling her that she had picked her stuff up and thanking her once again. Another text arrived a few seconds after, asking her when she should come at L-Corp the next day. As soon as Lena saw the messages, she felt lighter. It was like a burden was being lifted from her shoulders because Kara was apparently safe and wasn't planning on doing anything stupid -at least not before their lunch. Lena would have normally waited at least an hour to answer because she was a busy CEO and she always played hard to get, but she responded in a minute. After hesitating a little, she added 'Stay safe'. She was worried it was too friendly, but Kara replied with a heart smiley and all of a sudden Lena was pretty sure it was not.

\---

        Kara slept with Alex in her bed that night. Maggie had offered to take the couch and the younger girl had settled in her sister's warm embrace. She was exhausted and it didn't take her long to fall asleep, listening to Alex's calm breathing. Like the night before, she didn't dream at all and woke up the next morning feeling like she had just gotten to bed. She had heard her sister quietly slipping out of the bed and she buried her head deep into the pillow to try to go back to sleep. Maggie and Alex had gotten drunk with champagne the last night to celebrate Kara's new application to Cat Co. She had tried to tell them that it was useless to celebrate anything now because she hadn't even _applied_ yet, but apparently, both of the women wanted to get drunk so she let them. When her sister offered her a glass of champagne Kara gently declined.

        Alcohol could go fuck itself.

        But if she was not hungover, waking up was still very hard. She sighed heavily in her pillow and heard her sister muted laugh as well as _shut the fuck up Danvers you're gonna wake her up_. But that's not what made her jump out of bed. What made her jump out of bed was the thought that she had no idea what time it was and that she had to meet Lena at 11:30.

        "What time is it?" Kara croaked, with her low morning-voice.

        "Hello Kara, yes I had a good night thank you for asking. What about you?" The blonde lifted her head and gave her sister an exasperated look as she grabbed her phone. Thank god it was only 8:00. She rolled back on the bed and closed her eyes.

        "Don't pretend that you are the polite one Alex, we all know I had to teach you how not to be a jerk."

        The brunette scoffed.

        "Just admit the fact that I am a better human being."

        Kara buried her head in the pillow once again. "How can you be so annoying at 8:00 in the morning?"

        "Excuse me? Don't even get me started on your inability to communicate with people when you wake up!" Alex fumbled as her little sister finally managed to completely get out of bed without falling on it once again.

        "You are impossible!"

        Kara met Maggie's amused eyes, who was watching them bickering from the other side of the apartment. She mouthed _help_  and Maggie winked at her. As Alex was still claiming that she was the most polite out of the two of them and that nobody could argue the fact that she was a born diplomate, Kara saw Maggie set her coffee on the table and quietly approaching her girlfriend who had her back on her. Five seconds later she was tickling Alex who shouted _what the fuck_ in a high-pitched voice.

        "Language," Kara commented out of habit, as her sister was trying to escape her girlfriend's hands. "Thanks, Maggie, you're definitely part of the family now."

        Alex got back on her feet, mumbling insults and dusting her clothes.

        "We're not in a fucking nursery, grow the fuck up."

        Maggie's mouth curved into a smile and she cupped Alex's face with her hands.

        "You're not going to start pouting, are you?" She placed a small kiss on the brunette's face.

        "You guys are idiots." Alex tried to keep a grumpy face but failed completely as Maggie kept on giving her quick kisses.

        "I'll leave you two alone then," Kara muttered, avoiding the sight of her big sister being repeatedly kissed by her girlfriend.

        She selected a T-Shirt and a skirt to wear and headed to the bathroom. After a quick shower, she put on some makeup. Her bruise was now half green and half yellow and the blonde couldn't help but wince when she saw it in the mirror. Kara refused to let herself be overwhelmed once again so she went back to the living room. The two women had stopped kissing - _thank god_ \- and were now arguing about which one of them would drive the car. They looked so much like an old married couple that Kara was once again hit by the thought that Alex and Maggie were truly meant to be together. Alex, who had always told her she didn't believe in love and had spent her entire college years having one night stands or being in opened relationships. She was the biggest cliché ever.

        "Are you going to be fine on your own?" Alex asked, interrupting her girlfriend's protest. "I would love to offer you to come with me but you know, FBI stuff. Maybe you could hang out with Winn, or maybe James..." Kara tried to speak but the brunette had switched on big-sister mode and the way she was trying to plan Kara's day was at the same time annoying and adorable. "Yeah, you should definitely hand out with James, do you want me to call hi..."

        "It's okay Alex, I already have plans." Her sister stopped her unending speech and raised an eyebrow.

        "You do?"

        "Yep."

      "And what are you going to do?" Her sister was always very stealthy and smoothe. Apparently, Maggie had had the same thought because she didn't miss the occasion of teasing her girlfriend.

        "Careful Kara, Alex is an FBI agent. Everything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." Kara giggled and Alex rolled her eyes. "You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attor..."

        "Yeah, we get it, Maggie." Alex grabbed the keys of the apartment and pointed her finger towards the exit.

        "Sir, yes Sir," Maggie almost shouted and she headed to the door, saluting.

_Huge dorks. Huge huge huge dorks._

        Kara took her backpack and smiled at Alex.

        "I'm going to have lunch with Lena and I have some things to buy before."

        "Will I ever meet her?"

        Kara sighed heavily and gave her sister a disapproving look.

        "Control freak," she warned.

        "What? I'm just interested. She's Lena Luthor, after all. And you guys seem pretty close, so I'm curious."

        "We're not very close, we've only met recently." The brunette locked the door behind Kara and they joined Maggie, who was waiting in front of the elevator. "She's just... I don't know, very kind and understanding, and absolutely not like I thought she would be."

        "So you guys _are_ pretty close."

        "Annoying," Kara and Maggie commented at the same time. The other woman looked puzzled for a moment. The two girls gazed at each other and burst into laughter. Both of them had developed the exact same reflexes because of their time spent with Alex and it seemed to confuse her greatly. The brunette simply shrugged it off and the elevator's doors finally opened.

...

        Kara had googled it, Iris and Roses did mean thank you. She walked to the mall -she really needed to get her car back- and bought a huge bouquet of iris and roses. The flowers looked beautiful, the white and purple in perfect harmony. Kara had thought about adding a deep green flower, but it was probably too much. It was just a thank you gift after all. She spent the rest of the morning wandering in the mall, eating Bretzels and window-shopping. At 11:00, she took the bus and arrived at 11:15 at L-Corp. The blonde hesitated for a moment before deciding to simply wait outside for ten minutes and then head up to Lena's office. She was not very anxious about seeing Lena again. She was just a _little_ nervous and was only _slightly_ fidgeting and _very_ _calmly_ playing with her glasses. It was going to be fine, right? She would not cry or have a panic attack, they would just have a normal lunch like two normal people who were getting to know each other.

        They would not worry about the bridge, talk about the bridge or think about the bridge.

        At 11:25 she walked into L-Corp and realized she had no idea where Lena's office was. She collected herself and asked a very kind man. _Cross the hall, turn to the left and take one of the two elevators, Miss Luthor's office will be on the 17th floor, last door on the right -the massive one_. Kara followed the instructions to the letter and arrived in front of a busy-looking secretary. When the girl noticed her, she smiled widely and got up from her chair.

        "Good morning, I'm Eve, Miss Luthor's assistant. Can I help you?" Her voice sounded very practiced, almost artificial, but this was probably a sentence she had to say often. But she seemed nice and her smile didn't look fake.

        "Hi, I'm Kara, Kara Danvers. Maybe Len... Miss Luthor told you something about me?"

        Eve's smile reached her ears. "Yes, Kara Danvers, of course, Miss Luthor told me she was expecting you around to 11:30. You can go inside, she must be waiting for you. It's the door behind you." The man hadn't lied, the door was massive. "Just make sure to knock," Eve added, "she could be focused on something."

        Kara returned her smile and thanked the woman who had sat down again. She headed towards the door, struggling to knock with her huge bouquet in the hands.

        A professional voice said _come in_  and the blonde opened the door, almost disappearing behind the flowers.

        "Kara!" The voice was suddenly very warm, and Kara lowered the bouquet to be able to see Lena. She was walking towards her, a wide smile on her face, and Kara felt weird contentment flood through her. _Inhale, exhale_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the inconsistent writer is back ;)
> 
> So this chapter was supposed to be longer (i've just realised that it is already long, but whatever) and I hadn't planned on posting it like that. But it would have taken me way too much time to write everything and the chapter would have had like 10000 words, so I decided to make a part 2.
> 
> This chapter was also supposed to include a scene between Kara and Lena but I was just very inspired and the scenes between Kara, Alex and Maggie and Lena and Sam ended up being way longer than I thought they would be. So it will be for part tow (if I don't get murdered by any of my teachers or eaten by my notes).
> 
> I want to thank everyone who read/left kudos/commented, all your nice words are the reason why I stay up until three in the morning to write this shit, but who need to sleep anyway, lol :,)
> 
> ok bye now


	5. it was worth it every time, part 2

    Lena put the bouquet in a vase on her desk. It was huge, really huge. It looked amazing, and the CEO felt a flush of happiness: she was seeing Kara again, the girl would be fine, and they would become real friends, and _god_ , the flowers were beautiful. Kara had had that shy look on her face when she had given her the bouquet, like some kind of cute cartoon puppy with big blue eyes. In only two days she had realized Kara was probably the most adorable person she had ever met. Every cat video was useless when you had the chance to see a girl almost tripping on the carpet, then goofily fiddling with her glasses, almost making them fall, stretching the wrong arm and handing you her phone instead of the flowers, and finally letting out a nervous laugh. This, ladies and gentlemen, was Kara Danvers. And Lena practically forgot everything about the circumstances of their first meeting, until she caught a glimpse of tiredness in those blue eyes. She remembered she had to distract Kara, and not the other way around.

    "It's beautiful, you didn't have to do this," Lena thanked as she poured water into the vase. When she turned around to face Kara, who was still standing in the middle of the room, she saw that the girl had a genuinely pleased smile on her face.

    "Yes I did."

    Without second thoughts, Lena walked the few meters that separated them and opened her arms -because apparently, hugging someone she had met two days ago had become a completely normal habit for her. When they pulled apart, Kara's smile had grown wider and the sadness in her eyes had disappeared, probably buried somewhere in her heart in an attempt to spend a normal moment. Lena walked to her desk and grabbed her purse before asking the blonde if she had planned to go somewhere in particular, secretly hoping she had because the only restaurants she had gone to in the neighborhood had more stars than allowed, and it didn't feel like a normal place to have a normal lunch with a normal friend. Which was what they were trying to have. A normal lunch.

    "Yes!" Kara burst enthusiastically, and Lena giggled when she saw the concerned crinkle that appeared between the other girl's eyebrows. "I mean... It's just that I know a great place, well, you probably went to way better restaurants anyway... And we don't have to go there! It's just a suggestion..." Lena gently grasped Kara's forearm, amused by the blonde's rambling. It was apparently something she did often, and the CEO found it overly cute.

    "I've seen how much you like food," Lena said in a reassuring but also teasing tone, and a flush crept up the taller girl's face, "so I'm sure I won't be disappointed if I follow your suggestion."

    Kara looked down, letting out a nervous laugh. "It's just not very... prestigious, I guess."

    If it had been someone else, Lena would have probably been annoyed by the assumption that she liked prestigious things. It was something everybody did, assuming things about her, because of her last name, because she was a woman, because she had been adopted. And the majority of the people she met eventually ended up judging her for the things they had read on Wikipedia or had heard in a random conversation about her, which was the best way she could think of for not getting to know someone. But the look on Kara's face was so genuinely caring that the CEO didn't doubt of her sincerity. The girl was just trying to adapt to the standards she thought Lena had in an authentic attempt to get to know her. She had apparently forgotten how much the billionaire had enjoyed the cheap Chinese food they had eaten together. Waving at Kara to follow her, she walked towards her office's exit.

    "Do they at least have caviar?" Lena asked with a serious tone, arching an eyebrow. Kara looked troubled for a moment and Lena couldn't help but giggle once again as she opened the door to let the taller woman out.

    "Okay, just keep making fun of me. Everybody does that, it's an Olympic sport, I get it," Kara grumbled, and they walked down the corridor, followed by Eve's amused gaze.

...

    Lena had seen Kara eating two days before, and considering the blonde's ability to eat up her weight in food -and stay as fit as an athlete nonetheless- Lena wasn't surprised at all when she saw _all-you-can-eat-buffet_ written in huge illuminated letters. The restaurant was a few blocks away from her office and Lena wondered how she could have possibly never seen it before. It looked modern and comfy at the same time, everything was black and white except for some posters with bad jokes written in colored letters (okay, the one saying _waffles are just pancakes with abs_ did make her laugh a little, but mostly because the pancake on the drawing was adorable).

    Lena couldn't tell whether it looked like a cheap or a prestigious restaurant, and it was a rather satisfying experience. She spotted several waiting lines in front of different counters as Kara navigated them with ease to the other side of the room where there was a free table in a corner. She sat on one of the benches, staring at Kara, who was now heading towards the reception to get them menus and cards. When she lost sight of the blonde who disappeared into the crowd, she searched her bag and got her phone out. Sam had sent her some ridiculous old picture of the two of them hugging a cow in the middle of the night. They were in high-school at that time and Lena tried to remember who had taken the photo, but the only thing she seemed to recall from that night was the horrible hangover she had found herself with the day after. After threatening Sam -it was becoming their thing- to fire her if she ever published that photo, the woman started reading an article Lillian had sent her by E-mail (' _messages aren't professional, Lena, and Luthors are always professional, so use E-mails'_ ). It was about the incredible new product Wayne Inc. had just launched, an innovative face detection device that made all of the other systems obsolete. Below the link was only written _Watch for competition_ , a not so discreet reminder that she had to do something better to please the world, but mostly to please her mother. The worst thing was that L-Corp had never explored the possibility of selling face detection devices and it was not something they were planning on doing, Wayne Inc. had always had a monopoly on this sector.

_'It's not because you're not in the race that you're not supposed to win, Lena'_ , she heard her mother saying.

    She sighed and closed the webpage before opening Twitter and absently scrolling through her feed.

    "So I got us two Big-Eaters-Cards, which basically means we can take anything we wan... Grumpy Cat!" Kara had sneakily appeared next to her and she dropped the cards and the menus on the table, visibly very excited. Lena lifted an eyebrow, uncertain of what the girl meant by _Grumpy Cat_.

    "You called me a grumpy cat?" she asked, puzzled. Kara rolled her eyes and pointed her finger towards Lena's phone.

    "Not you, her." When Lena cast her eyes over the screen, there was indeed a rather grumpy looking cat staring at her. In white letters was written ' _I had fun once, it was awful_ _'_. Lena couldn't repress a chuckle, she had been lost in her thoughts and hadn't even noticed the meme that had appeared in her Twitter feed.

    "Fair enough."

    "She's dead," Kara commented as she handed Lena a card, sitting at the other side of the table.

    "Pardon?"

    "The cat, she died a few days ago."

    Lena blinked several times before looking back at the screen. "That's sad. How do you know that?"

    Kara's jaw dropped in shock as if the answer was evident. "It's Grumpy Cat. She basically owned the internet."

    _Obviously_. How on earth could she have possibly missed that crucial information?

    Lena closed the meme and started checking the menu. "I didn't know you liked cats," she said, her eyes rapidly scanning the different dishes, trying to avoid the moment where the blonde would realize Lena could recite the entire periodic table by heart but was incapable of following whatever was happening on social media.

    "I used to have a cat, his name was Streaky. He died a few years ago. He kind of reminded me of Grumpy Cat, he just seemed so... annoyed all the time. Sometimes he would literally leave the room he was in if one of us dared to enter it."

    Lena smiled, partially because it was funny, but also because her mother used to do the exact same thing to her and Lex whenever she was mad at them. The more she thought about it, the more she could picture memes of her mother giving the camera a dirty look with a funny inscription in bold white letters.

    "Your old cat seems to have a lot of things in common with my mother," she commented, and Kara giggled slightly. The sound of her genuine laughter was so different from the sobs Lena had heard the past few days that she started hoping she could make that happen again, and again and again until Kara's problem disappeared forever, drowned into a burst of infinite hysterical laughter. Maybe she could create an army of funny memes and stupid anecdotes that would destroy everything that made the girl's life hard.

    "When I was a kid, I wanted to have a pet so bad," she said, looking at the different kinds of pasta. "And one day my brother found a kitten alone in the street on the way to school, so he took him and offered him to me in the playground. I was so happy, and I managed to hide him for the rest of the day -he meowed during a class and my teacher almost had a heart attack, but she didn't find him." Kara had set her menu back on the table, her eyes locked in Lena's, looking deeply entertained by her story. "And when I brought him back home I tried to go to my bedroom to put him in a safe place before my mom could see him. But she literally has eyes everywhere, and the next thing I knew she was bringing him to an animal shelter. I didn't even have time to name him. I was miserable for the entire evening and Lex promised that he would find me another one, but that never happened."

    "At least your brother liked cats," Kara remarked, eyes sparkling with amusement. "My sister hated Streaky, and vice-versa. She used to say he had been sent by the Devil or something like that."

    While both of them were choosing what food they would get, they continued their light cat-conversation before leaving their stuff on the table and heading for the different counters. Lena settled for lasagnas, kale salad, lemon sorbet, and a Mojito, while Kara brought a huge plate full of Chinese dishes and another one with pasta. She had also taken a slice of pizza and a chocolate cake, and it was definitely not humanly possible for a normal human being to absorb such an enormous amount of food.

    "Wouah." Lena's eyes widened in front of the mountain of dishes that Kara almost dropped when they reached their table.

    "I know, right?" Kara answered excitedly. "I'm their worst client, probably the only one who eats enough food to keep them from making profits."

    The blonde set her meal trays on the table -she had to take two to be able to carry the dishes- and they both sat back in front of each other.

    "I can see that," Lena scoffed, watching Kara stuff half of her pizza in her mouth in a blink of an eye. It left a little bit of tomato sauce on the side of her mouth, and now Kara looked like a five-year-old girl trying to learn how to eat properly. When Lena pointed that out, she saw the blonde's ears turn red as she rapidly wiped her face with a paper towel. Cats were definitely not as cute.

    "So what did you do this morning," Kara asked after swallowing, lifting her head from her plate.

    It was a simple question. And as she opened her mouth to answer, Lena realized she practically never talked about her day to anyone, mostly because Sam refused to discuss work when they would hang out to avoid workaholism, and because her brother was annoying as hell. Above all, having this conversation with Kara seemed a bit off because of everything that had happened the past few days. But if they wanted to build a real friendship -and Lena was surprisingly willing to include this lost girl in the very short list of the people she called friends- they had to talk about common things and learn to know each other as normal people did.

    "Boring work stuff. Essentially meetings with shareholders. Business is fine, but I've always been the more scientific type. Since I became the CEO of L-Corp I barely step foot into a lab and I really miss it. I try to delegate as much as I can but there are just so many things to do..."

    Kara's blue eyes were full of sympathy. "I hope you'll be able to get free time and enjoy yourself building some other amazing things that will save the world. I wrote several articles on you and your science projects last year, they are just... so impressive."

    The girl seemed so genuinely impressed that Lena's cheeks turned red. She quickly lowered her head into her plate.

    "What about you?" she asked, trying to avoid being the center of the conversation. Kara stayed silent for a moment before putting her fork down.

    "I talked to Alex."

    Lena waited for her to continue, absently sipping her Mojito.

    "About what happened."

    Lena caught a glimpse of sadness in the other girl's eyes and she would have hugged her once again if they hadn't been in a crowded restaurant.

    "Not about everything," Kara corrected, "I tried to but... It didn't work. She saw the bruise on my cheek so I had to tell her about that part." Realization crossed the blonde's face. " I didn't even tell you what happened..."

    The last thing Lena wanted was Kara to cry -her initial plan had been to distract her- and according to the way her eyes started shinning, Kara was trying to hold back tears. It was obvious that the girl was trying to force herself to talk, and Lena had to stop her because it was not doing Kara any good at the moment.

    "You don't have to tell me, and we don't have to talk about it now, you know." Lena gently took Kara's hand in hers and her fingers hovered on the woman's knuckles. "And I think I kind of know what happened anyway." Kara nodded gently, slowly regaining her composure.

    "Yeah, you're right, I need to think about something else."

    Lena smiled encouragingly, her hand still squeezing Kara's. It was weird, feeling so close to someone she barely knew.

    "Let's just focus on getting to know each other, okay? We will talk about more... serious things when you'll feel ready, if you're okay with it." She took another bite of her lasagnas as Kara's mood seemed to instantly brighten up.

    "Do you know this game, truth or dare? We could play truth or truth."

    The raven-haired girl arched an eyebrow. She knew about truth or dare and had particularly bad memories linked to that game. But most of them were about dares -drinking a shot of vinegar and then a shot of tequila, for example. Bad idea. Very bad idea. But truth or truth seemed like a rather _good_ idea, so she just smiled and rubbed her hands together, eager to find out more about her new friend.

    In an hour, she had learned a ton of fun facts about Kara's life, from her inability to read a clock to her love for red pandas. Lena had herself explained her interest in dreams, and how she had had a lucid one once. She made Kara laugh when she told her about the hug with the cow, showing her the picture after trying to refuse (how was it even possible to say no to Kara?). But the face the taller woman made when Lena finally accepted, lifting her hands in the air in abandon, was just priceless. A mix of awe, hilarity and shock, all of this making her look like someone who had just seen a particularly ridiculous alien. In an hour, they had learned so many details about each other's life -funny details, sad details, important details, useless details- that it was almost dizzying. Kara was in the middle of a story about a hide and seek with her sister that had turned into a horror movie when Lena's phone started ringing. It almost felt like the magic was broken, and they were back in the restaurant in a blink of an eye. The CEO fumbled in her purse to put her phone in plane mode. It was probably a shareholder or a journalist.

    "Sorry, I thought I had turned it off," she apologized, and Kara gave a dismissive wave of her hand. When Lena finally grabbed her phone, she was surprised to see Lex's name on the screen.

    "Shit, sorry, it's my brother..."

    Kara mouthed _'go ahead_ _'_  and Lena answered her phone. Lex didn't call often, he hated speaking to someone he couldn't see, so it had to be at least a little bit important. She didn't bother to get up to try to have some privacy, after everything Kara and her had talked about it seemed useless anyway. Nothing could be more embarrassing than the picture with the cow.

    "Hello, Lena."

    The girl heard a smile in her brother's voice.

    "Let me guess... Dating advice? Business advice? Chess advice," she asked in an amused tone.

    "Am I not allowed to call my favorite person in the world?" he scoffed, sounding exaggeratedly offended.

    "I'm not sure your phone can call itself, Lex."

    She could almost _hear_ him smirking.

    "Then you should build one and add that possibility. I would definitely buy it."

    Lex had always loved pushing her to build new things, and for a lot of people it would have sounded like a normal joke, but Lena new it was also meant as an eternal encouragement that Lex never ceased to send her, like if he was trying to compensate for their mother's sharp and unhelpful remarks.

    "You would be the only user," she teased. Lena looked at Kara, who was trying to pretend she was not listening, eating what had to be her tenth pot-sticker. But the corners of her lips were slightly turned up and Lena could see that the girl was enjoying witnessing the conversation.

    "So why are you calling me anyway, I'm kind of in the middle of something, is it urgent?"

    Her brother stayed silent for a few seconds.

    "I just wanted your opinion on something, but I'll figure it out on my own. I'm still a genius, even though you are the most intelligent one and you have the highest IQ." He had said his last words with a slightly proud voice, and Lena couldn't stop a warm feeling from overtaking her. She had never cared about IQ, intelligence or even success, but her brother had the unique power to make her feel happy with what she had accomplished.

    "Do you want me to call you back later?" she offered, feeling a little guilty to leave her brother alone with his problem.

    "Don't worry, as I said, I'll figure it out."

    "Sure?"

    "Absolutely"

    They rapidly said goodbye and Lena hung up. Kara was finally done eating and was now trying to make some origami with her paper towel. The blonde shook her head, visibly disappointed by the result, and she grinned at Lena.

    "So when do you have to go back to work?"

    After quickly checking her watch, Lena realized it was already 2:30, and she had a meeting at 2:45 that she had totally forgotten about.

    "Fuck. Now. Literally _right_ now."

    Kara chuckled and got up, immediately followed by Lena.

    "Do you know where we pay? We can meet outside the restaurant afterward."

    The blonde looked sheepish for a second.

    "I already paid, it's okay," she said.

    "You paid?" Lena's eyes widened. "This is too much, just tell me how much I owe you..."

    Kara didn't let her finish and she hugged her quickly. The raven-haired woman returned the hug in an almost automatic reaction as if her body was adapting to the other girl's physical affection.

    "I told you it was fine! And if I do end up working for Cat Co again, I will basically take your money. It's only fair that I pay for your lunch."

    The logic in that statement was highly irrational, but Lena was running late and she promised herself that she would pay for their next lunch. She thanked Kara while they exited the restaurant.

    "Call me if you need anything, okay?" she told the girl as they were saying goodbye. "If you need a place to stay, some company or someone to talk to. Anything." Kara nodded and the CEO felt another wave of sympathy towards her new friend. She was about to say goodbye when she realized she wanted to plan something with Kara. She needed to know when they would see each other again, to make sure she was okay. She had to get Kara to understand that she was here for her so that they could build a real friendship, a place where Kara would know she could say everything she had on her mind. She and her sister were apparently on good terms again, but they hadn't talked about Kara's suicide attempt. Lena could only imagine what it felt like, trying to have a normal conversation with someone who cared about you while hiding the fact that you tried to end your life, it had to be crushing. And at that moment, Lena realized she was the only one to know. She had been the only one to see everything. The way Kara's face was contorted in pure terror when she had stared at her on the bridge, the amount of pain in her swollen eyes. It had been horrible to see, and she couldn't even imagine how much it must have hurt to feel it. Lena was the only one to know about that pain. She had been the only one to hold the crying girl whose life was falling apart right in front of her, trying to gather the pieces to keep Kara from giving up once again. As they were standing in front of the restaurant, being occasionally shoved by passerby, Lena stared at Kara's hazy blue eyes and she realized she was holding more than one secret. The suicide attempt was only the tip of the iceberg, a symptom of something bigger that could have -and still could- destroy Kara's life in a blink of an eye. And the girl was letting her in, just like Lena was, in a completely instinctive way. In those five seconds spent looking at Kara's eyes once again, she saw million of things, including trust and fear, and it was the best summary she could give of the thing that was happening between the two of them.

    "I know a great restaurant, it's not in the neighborhood at all but it's definitely worth it, do you want us to go there on Friday?"

    Friday was in two days, and Lena would have suggested Thursday but she was having lunch with her mother.

    Kara's face lit up. "More food!"

    "And more of us getting to know each other."

    "More of silly anecdotes"

    "More of silly memes."

    "More of you being exactly what I need right now."

    Lena stayed silent for a few seconds. She could see that Kara was starting to regret saying this, her eyes slightly widening because it had sounded much more genuine than she probably thought it would. But that was the thing. It was genuine, and it was exactly what they both wanted the most.

    "Always."

    Lena grinned on the entire walk back to her office.

 

\---

 

    They had lunch on Friday. And on Sunday. And twice the next week. Kara brought Lena to her second favorite restaurant ever and Lena made her discover the most amazing ice cream parlor in National City. They ate waffles in a quiet park and cotton candy in a funfair, Kara tried to please Lena and ate seafood (and almost threw up on her), and Lena learned how to eat with chopsticks, because according to Kara it was some kind of rite of passage every adult had to get involved into. They settled for two lunches a week, depending on their schedule. They didn't even discuss it, it had just felt natural and they had made it a habit, Kara insisting on the fact that every day was supposed to be an eating adventure, otherwise it was a waste of time. Not that all of their encounters were food-centric, but Kara being hungry all the time they nearly always ended up in a bar or in a restaurant.

    And sometimes, Kara would randomly burst into Lena's office with donuts or cookies, allowing her to take a break during her exhausting work days. Every time she arrived in front of Lena's office, she was greeted by Eve's kind smile, who seemed to be pleased to see that her boss was being distracted during particularly stressful days. And Kara loved helping Lena relax, she loved making her laugh, and seeing the serious mask the CEO put on her face drop the second she would catch the sight of Kara. Sometimes they would talk for five minutes, sometimes for two hours, and every time Kara left L-Corp she felt like she knew Lena a little bit more, getting used to the sound of her voice, to the way her Irish accent randomly popped when she was passionate about something, and to the way her green eyes always seemed to shine when she was happy.

    After two weeks, Kara realized she hadn't felt that close to anyone ever (except for her sister), especially not in such a short amount of time. It was strange, unexcepted and amazing. Being around Lena was warm, whether they were having a conversation on Russian literature or simply gazing at National City from L-Corp's rooftop in silence. Everything about their friendship was comfortable, and at some point Kara couldn't even remember what it felt like not having Lena in her life.

    During the second week after they first met, Kara got her job back. Not even twenty-four hours after she had sent her resume, she got a call from Cat Co asking her to come to a job interview the next day. When she hung up, she honestly thought she would die of joy, because _fuck she was gonna get back on track, ace the interview, come back to Cat Co and make the world a better place by typing on her computer while drinking tea on her couch at three in the morning with The Simpsons playing in the background_. But this feeling didn't last long. Kara being, well, Kara, she spent the entire evening pacing back and forth in Alex's apartment until her sister kicked her out and used her as a courier to get them pizza (Maggie came along with her because Alex was clearly not in a good mood and there were some very sharp knives in the kitchen).

    The next morning Kara met Samantha Arias and had no difficulty in understanding why Lena appreciated her so much -she was indeed very likable. She was a tall, brown-haired woman with brown eyes, and she just _looked_ smart. She also _sounded_ smart, and Kara liked her the second they shooked hands. They met at L-Corp, and on the way to Sam's office, they met Lena, who politely smiled to the both of them, before winking at Kara when Sam stopped looking. The blonde managed to contain her smile by focusing on how horribly anxious she was, and Sam didn't seem to notice anything as they went on with the interview. Even though Kara knew she had a good resume, the blonde had been worried that being fired from Cat Co would cause her troubles. But when she mentioned the fact that Snapper had been the one to fire her, Sam raised an eyebrow, a comprehensive smile on her face. It had apparently gone very well, and Kara left L-Corp feeling more hopeful than she had in months.

    When the phone rang the next morning, Kara almost dropped the plate she was carrying.

    "Hello, Samantha Arias speaking. Is this Kara Danvers' phone?"

    _Come on, come on, it had to work, it just had to_. She barely blurted a positive answer because her heart was beating way too fast for it to be healthy. Her brain short-circuited at the word 'congratulations', and she would have passed out if the thought that staying silent was not the appropriate reaction had not kept her body functioning. She managed to stay alive until Sam hung up, promising that she would send her an E-mail with every detail. Kara had done it. She was getting her job back. It was like a weight was lifted from her shoulders, she could forget about the bar and the struggles of being unemployed. She had a chance to start again and was not going to waste it.

    The next day, Kara showed up at L-Corp, and practically knocked Lena over. She clasped her arms around the raven-haired girl's shoulders and they almost lost their balance once again, but Kara was too grateful to care about fucking gravity. The sound of Lena's laughter filled her ears and she buried her head into the girl's hair, on the verge of a meltdown.

    "Does that mean you got the job?" Lena asked, drawing back slightly and locking eyes with her friend.

    Kara's smile reached her ears and she proudly handed her the blue Badge with _Kara Danvers, Cat Co, Reporter_ written in thin white letters. Lena's triumphant fist pump made them both laugh, and Kara was struck once again by how emphatic and caring her friend was. She looked as happy as Kara was, easily chattering in a voice full of excitement, going on about how sure she had been that Sam would take the right decision, and how proud she was. And all Kara could do was stare, overwhelmed by hundreds of different emotions. Gratitude, euphoria, admiration, awe. It was not a firework of emotions, more like an atomic bomb. When sadness tried to make its way through the crowd of positive things that filled Kara's mind (because, sadly, Lena would always remind her of _that_ day), she ignored it. She was going to be truly happy at least for an hour and deal with her anxieties later, and it was probably time for her to stop staring stupidly because Lena had apparently asked her a question and she had zero ideas what it was.

...

    On the day of L-Corp's Innovation Conference, Kara had a bag full of junk food deposited in Lena's office (she had been helped by Eve to avoid distracting Lena too much). She had added several memes she had printed as well as a _GrumpyCat4Ever_ pin's in a desperate attempt to make the CEO laugh a little before her speech. Because this speech was not _just_ a speech. LCIC was a major event of the year, journalists from all over the country were coming to the conference, and everything Lena would say, touch and breathe was going to be recorded and broadcasted on the most watched TV channels of the USA. So, yes, saying that the LCIC was a big deal was an understatement. And saying that Lena had worked hard was a bigger one.

    Kara had helped her prepare for it ( _helped_ was a strong word, she had mostly been there when Lena was rehearsing, occasionally handing her donuts and cup of tea to make sure the raven-haired woman was not unconsciously starving herself to death). She had seen how much work Lena had put into her speech, into the products she was going to present, and into the preparation of the event, and it was fascinating. She had kept telling Kara that everything had to be perfect and the blonde didn't doubt that it would be the case. Lena was ready.

    Kara didn't come to see Lena before the beginning of the conference. She knew the woman had to concentrate and Kara's presence would only make her less focused. So instead of paying her a visit, she sent the silly bag and settled in the crowded hall. Even though she was there as Cat Co's journalist, Lena had insisted to get her a front row seat, and that's how Kara found herself surrounded by way too important people, feeling slightly out of place but happy to be as close to Lena as possible. As she was settling on the comfortable chair, Kara noticed a man who was smiling charmingly at the mayor of National City, and she was sure she had already seen him somewhere. By just looking at him, you could tell that he was charismatic and not very impressed by his surroundings. He reminded her of Lena, and suddenly Kara realized who the man was. Lex Luthor, Lena's older brother. He was a big deal, especially in Metropolis, and Kara had seen a picture of Lena and him together in her apartment. She didn't have more time to dwell on it: the lights went out and a voice announced that the presentation was about to begin. Kara grabbed her notebook and Lena walked on stage.

    The whole thing was breathtaking.

    Lena didn't stumble on a single word and spoke for an hour with ease. Kara was mesmerized by her confidence and charisma. She knew by heart the jokes Lena had put into her speech but she laughed heartily, alongside with the whole assembly, which seemed completely amazed by Lena and the things she was presenting. LCIC was a science and business revolution, years of works were being revealed to the public -the new design of incredibly accessible wheelchairs, for example. The medical sector had made incredible progress concerning cancer therapies and vaccines, and the IT team came on stage to present their new apps.

    After more than an hour, the presentation ended with a promotional message of a clothing brand L-Corp was launching, called IDONTMIND, created to help people talk about mental health and raise money for associations. And Kara cried softly in the crowd, because she knew it was for her, she knew Lena had had this idea a few days ago and had threatened at least twelve different people to get them to prepare the clothing in time for LCIC, all of this to tell Kara she had people who cared about her and she wasn't alone in this mess.

    At the end of the presentation, when Lena was thanking everyone, Kara noticed that she was wearing the _GrumpyCat4Ever_ pin's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello beautiful people
> 
> I aced my exams and now I'm free for about a month before I have two final exams and then summer breeeaaaks :))
> 
> hope you enjoy this chapter (I had surgery and wrote half of this being high on pain medications so don't be too hard on me), it's a little lighter but angst is coming back soon don't worry.
> 
> sending virtual hugs to everyone who commented, left kudos or read
> 
> ok bye now
> 
> (IDONTMIND is a real thing, it has been created by Chris Wood, the man who plays Mon-El in Supergirl, and it's great.)


	6. hold still

  
She should have known.

It was always how it started. So fucking obvious. First, it would be this subtle feeling of slowly slipping away. The world around her would be wrapped in a barely visible fog, everything would be a little too blurred. Then she would feel like there was something she wasn't seeing, as if there was something important she was missing. This thought would settle for a little while, making its presence felt at random times in the day as if someone was pressing needles in her skin. But she could never grasp the feeling. Every time she was trying to follow it, to find its source and reach its core, she would lose its track.

It was not sadness. It was something different, something deeper.

She could never truly understand what was going on, never completely be able to focus enough. One step forward, two steps backward. At some point, she would forget about it, getting used to the disturbing feeling and carrying on like everything was normal. And then it would start feeling warmer. Just a little warmer at the beginning, as if she was slipping under covers. It would get warmer. Warmer. And warmer and smaller. And suffocating.

Not enough air.

It was not sadness. It was fear. Panic. Fuck, she should have known.

She was sitting in the crowded meeting room. It was a good day, a great one actually. One of those life-is-amazing days, when everything seemed possible and nobody would be surprised if Happy Together started playing and if people began randomly yelling _Live, Laugh, Love_ in the street. That kind of day.

Everyone at Cat Co was incredibly busy, but no one seemed too stressed: the whole team was -as usual- bolstered by the rapidly approaching deadline. They were about to print the magazine and send it to distribution, which was always a very motivating and exciting process: one month of hard work would finally come to fruition. And for Kara, it was even crazier. Her article on global warming was on the front page. _Her name_ was written on the bottom of the cover. She had worked so hard to write this piece, interviewing half of the city and spending nights in her new apartment re-writing every sentence over and over until she judged them good enough. Now, the whole team was going over some minor details about the color of the title, and James was speaking, a coffee in his hand, making the team feel at ease with his jokes on Donald Trump. Now that Snapper had been fired, the atmosphere was way lighter and everybody seemed less tense.

Kara was distractedly playing with her pen, looking out the window while planning her lunch with Lena. It was hot and sunny outside, she would probably bring her to a park and buy some sandwiches and ice cream. She could finally enjoy spending time with her best friend -it had been five days since they had last seen each other because they both had too many things to do. But they had settled for today and Kara trusted James to find the perfect color for the cover on his own. Basically, everything was great, tonight was game night (the third one for Lena who had been getting along very well with her friends and her sister), she was going to have a good day. A great day. Great.

But something was off. And in a matter of seconds, it was back. In the room, everything was normal. Everyone started laughing at something James had said. It was a collective and loud laugh, but Kara barely heard it.

There was something wrong.

She tried to focus on reading the notes she had taken, but the letters started to shake, the words not making any sense. She was fidgeting with her pen, taping it against her palm - _thump, thump, thump, thump_. She was hitting it hard and fast, simultaneously biting her lower lip. A weird taste appeared in her mouth and it took her a few seconds to realize her lip was bleeding.

It was not okay. _Thump, thump, thump, thump_.

Something was making too much noise, so she dropped the pen. It fell in slow motion, inches by inches, and then finally hit the table, bouncing several times in a metallic sound before finally staying still. The noise was still there, deafening Kara to the point where she started biting her lower lip again. Her eyes rove through the room, desperately trying to find something, anything that would make sense. But all she was seeing was scary shapes, bright colors and slow movements.

_What was she thinking about?_

She blinked over and over again, the light burning her sensible eyes.

_Thump, thump, thump, thump._

_What was she thinking about?_

It was back. All of this was back. She felt sick again, her heart was pounding too hard again, her hands were trembling again, her vision was blurry again, she was losing it again. She was breathing too fast, and James was looking at her with concerned eyes, and his mouth was moving _so slowly_. Way too slowly. And then it felt like someone was putting cotton in her ears, every noise seemed far and faint.

The whole world became silent.

_Thump, thump, thump, thump._

Kara stood up, knocked her chair over, and ran out of the room. She tried to look at her hands, but they were moving in a weird way as if they were lagging. The lights were too bright, the air was too hot, the rooms were too small and her cheeks were wet.

Crazy.

She was going crazy. She couldn't get her brain to focus on anything. She was supposed to know where her thoughts were, she was supposed to regulate them, and yet she had lost control. Her mind was blank again, her thoughts were being sucked out of her. People probably looked at her as she was running through the corridors, and maybe someone yelled her name, but she wasn't sure.

Kara ran down the stairs and walked into the first room she found. She had no idea what it was, but the only thing she cared about was that it was empty and that she could break down somewhere no one would find her. She pushed the door behind her and stumbled forward, almost hitting the wall, and tried. Tried to breathe, tried to fight it, tried to keep the tears from wetting her cheeks, but it was too hard. Thousands of voices were yelling in her head, too loud, everything hurt and her legs were dangerously weak. Somewhere deep down, Kara knew she was having a panic attack, but she couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't stop it, she couldn't tell it to back the fuck off, she couldn't do anything. She was alone here and it was horribly frightening, but she couldn't do anything. So she gave up fighting.

She was hit full force with another anxiety wave and collapsed, her knees hitting the floor as her glasses fell off her face.

_Call her._

_Call. Her._

\---

Lena was staring at her mother, her arm crossed in the most defensive way possible. Lilian looked... impressive, as always. And rigid. Her skirt was tight, her shirt was tight, her bun was tight, and her posture was so rigid that if someone set a book on the top of her head it probably wouldn't fall. But Lena wasn't the slightest impressed, unlike the waiter when Lilian slowly took a sip of the coffee he had just brought her, before giving it back to the poor man with a look of distaste on her face. Lena sent him an apologizing look and the man smiled weakly before walking away, the coffee in his hand.

"How can you drink this... poison?" her mother asked, as Lena was putting the cup to her lips. She didn't answer, knowing that it was only the beginning. "I don't understand why you wanted to come here. This place is worse than the bar your brother used to go to when we were in Greece."

Lena grimaced as she almost choked on her coffee. "You clearly never went to that bar," she replied, and she couldn't repress a smile at the memory of her brother's face when she had followed him into the said bar -it was absolutely not a place for eleven-year-old girls. It was actually a rather shocking experience for Lena, but the number of ice cream she got in exchange for her silence had made it totally worth it.

Lilian's eyebrows rose but she didn't comment. Instead, she opened her briefcase and rummaged through the papers. Lena finished her coffee and started eating her donut -it probably contained more sugar than everything she had eaten this week, but a meeting with her mother was more exhausting than running a marathon. And besides, it was all Kara's fault, she was the one who always brought coffee and donuts with her, and maybe she got a little addicted, but her mother was a very good excuse and Lena was totally going to settle for it.

Lena stared at Lilian who was visibly not finding what she was searching for. The older woman looked completely out of place at Noonan's, sitting on a _yellow_ chair next to a huge photo of Barack Obama holding a cup of coffee. Although it was a very amusing scene, making fun of her was not the major reason why Lena had brought her mother here. Noonan's happened to be right next to Cat Co, which would allow Lena to get there faster and to bring her best friend a well-deserved donut. Her article was truly amazing, and everyone had agreed to put it on the front page, even though it had only been a month and a half since Kara was back at Cat Co. So seeing Lilian's disgusted look was just a bonus.

A paper appeared in front of Lena and she was drawn from her thoughts. It looked like a contract and there was already a signature on the bottom of the page. She grabbed the paper and quickly skimmed it.

"Sinclair's Enterprise..." Lena lifted an eyebrow. "I didn't know you liked chlorine with your expensive chicken."

"Veronica Sinclair doesn't only own fast food chains, Lena. In terms of technology, they are very well placed in the international ranking and the company is worth..."

"A hundred and twelve billion dollars, mother, I am aware." Her tone was way colder than before. Sinclair's Enterprise was known for its wheeling and dealing, and Lena personally knew Veronica -they had gone to school together- and doing business with a woman who had charmed a supervisor so that she could skip classes was out of the question.

Lilian kept a neutral face as she continued. "Since you seem to know everything about Sinclair's Enterprise, you must know that they are in search of a partnership with another company. They need factories to produce their new car."

Of course her mother was there to try to convince her to work with the devil, what did she expect? A nice mother-daughter chat? It was almost disappointing, how predictable Lilian was.

"Why don't they go to China this time? That's what companies like Veronica's usually do, isn't it? Exploiting children and stuff, in order to pay less." She knew Veronica was the kind of business woman who only cared about profit, and while L-Corp only used factories where the employees were well treated, Sinclair didn't. At all. Lena had heard something about Sinclair's Enterprise not being allowed to buy other factories in China because of a scandal about not respecting the basic security rules, and now Veronica was looking for new ones. But it was far from some magic redemption, Veronica had never given a damn about the people she was exploiting, and Lena was not going to help her. 

"This is business, Lena."

"I am aware."

"Well, if you want to be a good business woman you have to put money first. Feelings don't belong in this profession."

"I have an ethical code and I manage to use it in a positive way. I've proven multiple times that _I_ was a better business woman than you, mother."

Yep, a nice mother-daughter chat. In just a few minutes the atmosphere had become extremely tense, and the two women were now staring at each other in the eyes with the same daring look. But Lena wasn't going to lower her gaze -she would do this all day if she had to. She wasn't a sad little girl who needed her mother's approval anymore.

"They are offering five billion dollars and thirty percent of the money they'll make with the car."

Lena didn't expect anything other from her mother. She was only interested in making money and her ethical code was probably close to Veronica's. But Lena's own ethical code was very rigid.

"You can emphasize the words _five billion dollars_ as much as you want, mother, but you are the one who's greedy, not me. I'm not signing this." The raven-haired girl handed her mother the paper, a challenging look on her face. Lilian's lips pressed together, and for a second Lena caught a glimpse of ferocity in her mother's eyes. It was almost instantly replaced by a falsely polite expression as the older woman plastered a fake smile on her face.

"I guess you are the one who owns the company after all," Lilian articulated, and every word seemed to burn her mouth as she put the contract back in her briefcase. It reminded the CEO of the way her mother had congratulated her the day after her father's death, when they had found out that Lena was now in charge of L-Corp. Back then she had been too broken to enjoy her victory -her father had chosen her and not Lilian.

Their exchange was interrupted by Lena's phone. She got it out of her pocket and saw Kara's name, as well the weird photo of the blonde girl being attacked by a pigeon (Lena had taken this picture a few weeks ago and had found it so hilarious that she had set it as Kara's contact photo, to the other girl's desperation).

"Sorry, I have to take this," Lena mumbled as she got up.

"Who's calling you on your personal phone?" Lilian's tone actually sounded curious, and even though it was none of her mother's businness, Lena answered anyway.

"It's called a friend, mother," she smirked, "you know, someone you spend time with without wanting to take advantage of the relationship and make money out of it."

Lilian responded with a _huh_ as Lena picked up.

"Kara, hey, how are you?"

Lena thought Kara would answer with her joyful voice. Lena thought she would tell her about some amazing place she had found ( _they serve all day long, Lena!_ ), she thought she would hang up feeling a hundred times better than before, forgetting about her mother by only listening to her best friend's voice. She thought Kara was calling her to tell her how amazing the cover looked, to go on and on about how thankful she was that the CEO had accepted to give an exclusive interview in the article, and then remember that Lena was a very busy person and ramble for three more minutes to apologize for disturbing her. And all those thoughts crossed Lena's mind as she waited for an answer, but for at least five seconds, nothing came. And then there was a muffled nOuse at the other end of the phone, and it sounded like someone sobbing, like Kara sobbing, and something was wrong.

"Kara, are you alright?" Lena tried to keep her voice from wavering and tried not to make it sound too concerned. She had to be fine. She had to. The CEO heard Kara breathing heavily. "Kara?" she repeated, and her tone was as soothing as she could.

" _Lena, I..._ "

The girl's voice cracked and Lena grabbed her bag as fast as she could, not even sparing her mother a glance. Worry was pulsing through her veins, something was wrong, Kara was crying hard and the memory of her breaking down on the bridge and trying to take her own life was still very painfully printed in her mind. She saw the interrogating look on Lilian's face in her peripheral vision, but right now she couldn't care less about what her mother was thinking because Kara was crying and it was not good.

"Hey, hey, you're okay Kara, you're okay." Stay calm Lena, don't panic, you have this. She's gonna be fine. "You need to tell me where you are Kara, and I'll come as fast as I can." As she was rushing for the door she realised she hadn't paid. _Oh and shit_ , her mother was rich anyway.

" _I can't Lena I... I can't..._ " Kara's voice was full of fear and desperation as she choked those words out. And Lena, oh god, Lena, she was crumbling into pieces, her heart was shattering because Kara sounded broken and hurt and scared and sad although she deserved be the happiest person on earth.

"Kara, listen to me, darling." She exited the restaurant in a blink of an eye and found herself in the middle of the street. Where could Kara be? The most obvious answer was Cat Co. But the building had twenty-two floors. Kara's office was on the ninetieth. "Are you at Cat Co? If yes, can you tell me which floor?"

As she was speaking, Lena was hurrying towards the building, ignoring the protests of the passerby she was shoving carelessly.

" _I don't... I don't know, it's - everything's too much, I... I'm at Cat Co... 18th floor, Lena I can't..._ " Kara sounded like she wasn't breathing enough, likes if she was choking.

Panic attack.

Okay. Her friend was just having a panic attack. Everything would be fine if Lena managed to get her to stay calm until she was with her. She repeated that thought like a mantra in her head as she passed the security at the entrance of the building.

"Okay, Kara, I need you to focus on my voice, all right? Close your eyes and take deep breathes. I'm gonna count to thirty.  When i'll reach thirty you'll be feeling thirty times better, okay? Can you do that?"

It was probably not the best technique to soothe someone who was having a panic attack, but it was all her brain was able to find right now. Kara mumbled a positive answer and the raven-haired girl started counting. She was talking slowly, pronouncing each number like if it was some kind of magic word that needed extra care. Kara's sobs reduced, her improvised technique was apparently working. Meanwhile, she had called an elevator and was now looking for the 18th button, trying not to lose count.

It felt like forever before the door finally reopened. The floor was under construction but it looked empty, and every noise she was making sounded too loud. After a quick glance, she saw that the first door on the left was half opened, and she ran for it.

It was the good room. Lena literally dropped her phone and knelt next to the blond girl who was still crying on the floor. It was a heart-wrenching sight, Kara's glasses had fallen from her face, she had her hands wrapped around her legs and her phone was balancing on her right arm. Her eyes were swollen and red from crying and wiping them, her knuckles were white from clenching her fists, and she had blood under her mouth, _why the fuck did she have blood under her mouth_ , and Lena was standing there, feeling actual pain because Kara deserved to be the happiest person on earth.

She gently grabbed her hand. Kara wouldn't look directly at her, blinking frenetically to try to dry her eyes. Felling her hand trembling, Lena squeezed it lightly and started drawing circles with her thumb on the other woman's skin.

"Kara? Kara, look at me, honey."

The girl was still keeping her gaze down, so Lena slowly lifted Kara's chin. The blonde half-opened her mouth and let out a choked sob as she finally met Lena's gaze. It was the same look Kara had given her two month ago. The exact same damn look. Hurt, sad, scared, panicked, tired, hopeless.

"Oh, Kara..." she murmured, and then the girl was sobbing again. Lena wrapped her arms around her best friend's shaking shoulders, and Kara leaned into the touch, burying her head in Lena's collarbone. The taller girl was crying hard, gut-wrenching sobs tearing through her chest. _Stay strong_ , Lena told herself, because Kara needed her to be strong right now. Holding her friend tighter, she managed to keep the tears from leaving her eyes.

"Lena, I... It-it hurts..." Her voice cracked and a great sob escaped her lips. Lena took a deep breath and whispered in the blonde's ears.

"I know, Kara, I know."

She didn't know what else she could say or do, so she kept on hugging her friend, trying to make her understand that whatever happened she would always be there for her. That she had someone she could trust and talk to, someone who would never abandon her. She ran her hand in Kara's hair while whispering her she would be okay.

Ten minutes later Kara was still crying, and Lena was starting to wonder how she could make it stop, how she could comfort her. What was the one thing that always made the reporter happy? The answer was obvious. Music. Lena slightly pulled away, keeping one arm around the girl's shoulders and fumbling for her phone with the other. She clicked on the first music in her playlist, which was one that Kara had added for her. When the singer hit the first notes, the CEO felt her friend relaxing a little against her. And Lena, well, she couldn't help but sing along.

 _Fly me to the moon_  
_Let me play among the stars_  
_Let me see what Spring is like_  
_On Jupiter and Mars_

When the song ended, Kara had stopped crying. She drew back slowly, wiped her tear-drenched face with her sleeve and locked eyes with Lena.

"Thanks."

The raven-haired woman could have said _you're welcome_ , or _I'll always be there for yo_ u, but she felt like she didn't need to. By simply looking at each other, they were saying everything that needed to be said. They stayed like that for a moment, holding hands in the empty room, until Kara broke the silence.

"Do you really need to do the variation for each chorus?" She asked, raising an eyebrow, her voice very serious. Lena couldn't help but giggle.

"Excuse me, yes I do."

Kara nodded with a very unconvinced look on her face. "I don't think Frank Sinatra would agree."

"His loss," Lena shrugged, smiling. She was happy Kara was calm again and she loved the usual lightness of their exchange, but there was still something she had to ask. The tip of her thumb hovered on Kara's chin where the thin blood trail was.

"What happened to your lip?" she asked, while gently removing the blood with a tissue she got from her bag.

Kara blinked several times in a confused way before slowly licking her lower lip. Disgust took over her face. "I think I bite it earlier, when the panic attack was at its fullest."

"Okay," Lena murmured. "Now if you want we can go to my place or to my office, or we can stay here if you want even though I don't think it's a great idea because you should maybe get some fresh air, but..."

Kara smiled weakly and interrupted Lena's rambling.

"I think we should stick to the plan. Eat outside in a park. If you want to, of course."

Lena nodded and squeezed her friend's hand. She was less worried -let's say she was not about to pass out because of how scared she felt anymore, which was a good thing- but she was afraid Kara would have another panic attack if they went to a crowded place.

"I'll do whatever you want to do, but are you sure it's a good idea? There's going to be a lot of people in the park, and maybe you should get some rest."

Kara shook her head vigorously. "I'm better now, and I just kind of want to..." She shook her hand in the air. "Move on. We'll worry about everything later, I just want to spend some normal time with you right now. And besides, you're with me, so what could go wrong?"

The best thing was that Kara actually seemed to believe in what she had just said. So Lena wasn't the only one to feel invincible whenever she knew Kara was around and ready to have her back at any moment.

"Okay," she whispered.

They had lunch, and it was great. Kara ate three times more than Lena, and it was great. Lena had to hug Kara to tell her goodbye, even though she had insisted that she could take the afternoon off, but Kara had categorically refused, and it was sad. Lena spent the entire afternoon texting Kara, and it was funny. But it was mostly surreal, because a few hours before, Kara was breaking down in her arms. They needed to talk, and Lena planned on using game night to get some private time with Kara in a calm place.

\---

Kara set her soda on the table. Alex was pouting because Maggie was making fun of her, Winn was repeating _I am so drunk, James, did I tell you I was drunk?_ , while the man was amicably patting his shoulder. Lena was crushing everyone at monopoly, which was annoying Alex who had said that _it doesn't count when it's basically your job but the five year old version._  And Kara, well, she was mostly looking at Lena. She was listening to her laughing at something weird Winn had just said, and then serving some wine to Alex who was now grumbling because she was close to losing.

It was great, seeing Lena having fun with Kara's favourite persons. They had all accepted her as a new member of the super-friends, as they liked to call themselves (all of this had started because Kara owned a Superhero pyjama and now everyone was calling her Supergirl).

Everybody was drunk except for Kara and Lena. The reporter hadn't consumed any alcohol since the bridge, and Lena seemed to be incredibly resistant. At the beginning of the evening, Alex had decided to 'test the newbie's limits', and yet Lena was as sober as before while Kara's sister was struggling to find the red dollars she had to give Lena. She ended up giving her a pink one (which didn't represent enough money), but the CEO just smiled and added it to her growing pile.

As the night went on, Kara totally forgot about her panic attack. She just felt good, surrounded by the people she loved the most and who loved her the most. It was a warm sensation, but not a suffocating one. The girl felt like she had evacuated all of her pain this morning, through her panic attack and when she had been crying in Lena's arms. It would probably come back, eventually, but for now she had gotten rid of it and Lena looked absolutely adorable right now.

That's probably when it hit her.

When Lena took her pile of dollars and hit Winn's head with it, when she then grabbed her glass of wine and slowly sipped the alcohol, when she finally locked eyes with Kara and smiled widely at her, her eyes sparkling with amusement and filled with a tenderness she seemed to have reserved for the blond girl.

That's pretty much when it hit her.

She had feelings for Lena. She had a crush on Lena, which was quite massive by the way, so how could Kara only understand it now? She felt drawn to the raven-haired woman who was currently being assaulted by a pillow Winn had thrown on her after a particularly vicious move she had made in order to eliminate him.

She had feeling for Lena, which explained why she had called her and not her sister, why she had instantly felt safe when the girl had wrapped her arms around her. That explained a lot of things.

To put it simply, Kara Danvers liked Lena Luthor in a not so friendly way.

After that revelation, Kara's brain kind of short-circuited. Not that the idea of liking a girl was bothering her -she had known she liked both men and women since high-school. But Lena was not just a girl, she was someone who had saved her life and then had made it worth living. So yeah, it was pretty big.

At one in the morning every drunk person left, after abnormally long hugs -but apparently alcohol made them normal- which left Kara and Lena. The both of them cleaned Kara's apartment, falling into an easy conversation. After trying (and miserably failing) to remove a wine stain Winn had made on the couch, Kara made them both tea and they settled back in the living room. Lena looked liked she had something she wanted to say, so Kara sat next to her on the sofa and waited for her to speak.

"Is it okay if we talk about..." Lena hesitated a little before continuing, "about what happened this morning?"

Kara nodded. She knew they had to, so the sooner, the better.

Lena set her cup on the table and turned completely to face Kara. Her hair was falling messily on her shoulders and she was wearing one of Kara's tank top (she had come here directly from work and she wasn't exactly in casual clothes). Her lipstick was starting to fade, and she looked amazing. Maybe Kara started to wonder what it would feel like to kiss her, maybe she even considered doing it for a nanosecond, but Lena didn't leave her enough time to sort her thoughts.

"Is this the first time you have a panic attack?" She asked, her voice sounding unusually unsure.

"No, I used to have a lot of them in high-school when the Danvers adopted me." Those were painful memories that Kara rapidly pushed away. "But then Alex helped me overcome them and they didn't come back until this morning."

Lena's were filled with compassion and understanding. "Can I give you an advice? Please don't be mad at me, I just... I don't know, I just want you to feel better."

Kara giggled. "I'll couldn't even be mad at you if you ate all the potstickers in my fridge, so don't worry about that."

"I think you should see a therapist."

Kara was genuinely surprised. She had seen a therapist after her parents' death, but the only one in Midvale was a creepy old lady who scared everyone in town. She had hated it and she had put therapy in the 'never again' box.

"A therapist?"

Maybe her tone was a little bit too surprised, because Lena immediately tried to justify her thought. "As I said, it's just an advice, but maybe it could be a good idea. He could help you deal with... Everything you've been through lately."

Kara took a sip of her tea. "Yes, I know what you mean, but I don't get the whole idea of talking about personal things to someone you don't know. It's... It just hurts so much, talking about it, you know? Each time I remember it it feels like I'm getting stabbed in the heart." Lena's expression turned into a sadder one. "Are you sure it would work, saying it to a stranger?"

"Well, I'm not sure," Lena said carefully, "but I think it's worth the try."

"And what if my therapist is a witch?" The CEO scoffed and rolled her eyes. "More seriously," Kara continued, "what if I don't find a good one?"

Lena looked away for a second before answering. "There's someone I know. He used to be my therapist. I could give you his number, if you want. He's the nicest man on the planet, and sometimes he understood what I meant when even I didn't. This guy can read minds, trust me."

Kara thought for a second. The truth was, the idea of talking to someone she didn't know about what had happened made her anxious. But on the other hand, she knew her best friend was rarely wrong, and that guy had to be a good therapist because Lena didn't have true respect for a lot of people.

"Okay."

Lena's eyes widened. "Really?" She looked even more surprised than Kara before.

"Yep, give me his number and I'll call him tomorrow."

The huge smile that appeared on Lena's face already made the whole thing a hundred percent worth it. Oh god, she really had feelings for Lena. The woman got a card from her handbag and handed it to Kara, who grabbed it and gave it a quick glance.

"How do you pronounce his name? Is he even from Earth?" Kara asked, frowning as she tried to make sense of the name on the card.

Lena laughed wholeheartedly. "His name is J'onn J'onzz. And yes, there are two Z."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo
> 
> I'm so happy I'm finally updating, it's been a month !  
> My last exam is on Thursdays and then it's summer breaks, which means I'll be able to update more often.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, thanks for the kudos and the sweet comments, it warms my little heart :)
> 
> I didn't really try to correct the mistakes in this chapter, I'll probably do it tomorrow (it's three in the morning in my time zone right now), so feel free to tell me if there are any mistakes in the comments !
> 
> Ok bye now


	7. right before we crash (like the waves next to us), part 1

Kara hurried down the crowded street. She had exactly seven minutes left to reach her destination and her phone was kindly informing her that she had still eleven minutes to walk. She had a ninety-nine percent chance of being late, her last hope was that her soon-to-be-shrink would make his previous session last a little too long.

Kara wanted to get along well with this man (mainly because it seemed like a bad idea to start therapy with someone who didn't like you, and also because Lena had been the one to send her here, which made the whole thing a lot more relevant). And first impressions mattered, so if J'onn J'onzz opened his door to an empty waiting room that would probably kill the whole _I'm motivated and happy to be here_ attitude.

Would he think she was doing it on purpose? Because she was really not, she had been early until her bus driver had decided to take his coffee break at the _exact_ moment where she had gotten into the bus. Would he analyze it as some kind of provocative behavior? Would he misjudge her? Would that affect the therapy she hadn't even started yet? Was she needlessly freaking out because going to see a therapist was a rather scary process? Her head was buzzing with way too many questions and the warmth of the day was not helping her clear her mind. She decided to focus on the instructions on her phone and settled for quick walking (running was definitely impossible, there were way too many people and she would have had to stop every five seconds to avoid pushing an old lady).

Kara miraculously managed to arrive just in time after realizing her GPS was considering she was a car and not a pedestrian, telling her to make unnecessary detours based on do-not-enter signs and doubling the distance in the process. J'onn J'onzz's office was indeed in a very small street, which was difficult to get into with a vehicle. The road and the pavement were extremely narrow and very few lights managed to make its way between the buildings despite how strong the sun was. It was the oldest part of the city, an area Kara wasn't familiar with. The environment was extremely diverse: the biggest streets were as full as the ones downtown, but as soon as you entered an alley it felt like the whole city had gone quiet and the only thing you could hear was the sound of your own footsteps.

 _8 Ashdale Street_ , Kara repeated herself. She had managed to calm herself down, but the fact that she was less than a few meters away from her destination brought all her anxieties back. It was not too late to go back, give a quick phone call and cancel the appointment. _Oh and shit_ , she had not walked for twenty minutes for nothing, and the idea of telling Lena she had chickened out was very unpleasant. Now she just needed to get her damn feet to move and she was good to go.

She searched for the right number and found it written next to a small green door. When she reached the entrance, she noticed that a sign was hanging on the door. On it was written " _Dr. J'onzz. If you think you need therapy, my door is open (it's actually open so come in without knocking)_." The handwriting was childlike and the person who had done it had used a bright green pen. Kara scoffed internally and instantly felt more at ease. Someone with this on his front door just _had_ to be nice, so there was no reason why she should be afraid. No. Reason. At. All.

And besides, therapy was not something only weak people did, she was not ashamed, she could do it, she could turn the door handle and walk into the room, and yep, she had just done it.

Kara found herself in a cozy living room. Several lights were on even though it was the beginning of the afternoon, and there were a comfy looking brown sofa and an armchair in the middle. The furniture was far from the IKEA style she was used to seeing, the man seemed to appreciate older and more... personal stuff. Kara's gaze circled the room for a moment before she heard someone whistling in another room to the right -which she assumed was a kitchen. She hesitated for a second, unsure if she should make her presence known or just wait. Going for the last option, Kara cleared her throat and called the man in a voice she hoped didn't come out too anxious.

"Mr. J'onzz?"

The whistle stopped and Kara heard the sound of a cupboard closing. Five seconds later a tall black man walked into the living room, holding a teapot in his hand. He had a genuine smile on his face and his eyes sparkled with kindness. That guy was definitely nice, at least he looked so.

"Miss Danvers, welcome! It's so nice to meet you." His voice was low and warm and all of the blonde woman's insecurities vanished as he extended one of his huge -sorry,  _gigantic_ \- hands towards her. She took it and returned the smile.

"Please, call me Kara. Nice to meet you too."

J'onn set the teapot on the small table that sat between the sofa and the armchair. "Kara it is, then. I'm J'onn. Make yourself comfortable, I just need to get cups for my tea and we can start. Do you want some?"

Kara sent J'onn another smile. "Who would refuse a cup of tea," she said, and the man nodded in agreement as he went back to the kitchen. Everybody seemed to propose Kara tea these days.

She settled on the sofa, guessing the armchair was where J'onn sat. The room was very peaceful and it matched the description Lena had made of the therapist: a calm and balanced man with an unending attraction to everything relaxing.

J'onn came back a few moments later, holding two empty cups and another one full of sugar. He handed one to Kara who quietly thanked him as he poured some tea in it. It smelt like orange and cinnamon, and Kara couldn't help but smile when memories made their way through her thoughts: Eliza making her and Alex cinnamon tea whenever they would fight and forcing them to drink it together until they would not be mad at each other anymore.

"So Kara," J'onn started, sitting in his own chair, "what brought you here?"

Kara swallowed the tea she had in her mouth. "Actually, Lena Luthor sent me here." She saw a pleased look take over the man's face when the woman's name. "She told me about you and how you could apparently read her mind better than anyone else. I just _had_ to see it with my own eyes."

J'onn laughed at that statement. "As a therapist, I would be lying if I said I never dreamed of being able to read minds. But I guess I have to be happy with my analysis and theories."

"Well, Lena seemed pretty positive about you already possessing this ability," Kara commented.

The man laughed once again and he took a sip of tea. He seemed to understand Lena and she had a very close relationship because he started talking about her in a familiar way. "I am not against this type of publicity but I think our mutual friend is overestimating me."

When J'onn said _mutual friend_ Kara felt the need to know how close Lena and he were. She had discerned tenderness in Lena's tone when she had spoken about him as well as a certain admiration, the kind of tone Kara would use to talk about her adoptive father.

"Have you and Lena known each other for a long time?" she asked. For a second she feared it was too personal to ask but J'onn didn't seem the least offended by her question.

"I knew her father very well. I've always considered her as my own daughter. And she came here as a patient, too."

So Kara was right about the father-daughter-like relationship. She nodded slowly and decided not to insist, because she knew Lena's dad had passed away a few years ago. J'onn leaned in the back of his chair and put on an unreadable expression.

"So that was _who_ brought you here, not _what_." 

If she thought about it, maybe she had willingly avoided answering directly to the question. But for her defence her emotions were completely unhelpful because they kept alternating between confident and unsure, calm and anxious, and it was highly confusing. Kara felt J'onn's interrogating gaze, and she realized she had stayed silent for a moment. But the truth was, she didn't know how to answer his question. At least she didn't have a short answer, there were just so many reasons why she was here but if she thought about them separately they didn't seem relevant anymore.

"I'm just..." Kara stopped, taking a deep breath to calm her heartbeat. "Very confused. About approximately everything that happened to me."

When she looked at J'onn's face she didn't expect the small smile that had appeared on it. If it was meant to be reassuring, it worked because Kara felt some confidence build up inside her.

"I'm scared that everything will get messed up."

J'onn nodded slowly. "Are you scared you're going to be the one who messes everything up?" he asked, cocking his head to the side.

Yes. Yes, she was scared that if something bad happened she would try to take her life again, and that this time there would be no Lena Luthor to save her.

"I already did mess everything up. In a way. I already tried to."

It was pretty obvious J'onn was starting to put two and two together. He seemed to get the meaning of her words, but he didn't say anything. He was waiting for Kara to continue, and she had no idea if she'd be able to.

"I really like the sign on your door," she said to fill the silence because she was just _not_ _ready_ yet. She was afraid J'onn would push her or get annoyed in front of her obvious attempt to move on, but his mouth curved into an easy smile.

"One of my friend's daughter made it for me a few years ago," he said, tenderness sparkling in his eyes.

"I genuinely thought it was your handwriting," Kara joked and J'onn chuckled as he took another sip of his tea.

"Maybe you know her mother, Samantha Arias. Lena and she have known each other since high school," he added.

 _He also knows Sam_ , Kara thought. That made sense, considering that the two girls had met in high-school. Kara really liked Sam, she seemed like the kind of person who would never abandon you, whether it was to get you out of a tough situation or to help you finish the leftovers in your fridge.

"I do indeed, she's the one who hired me at Cat Co." She hesitated a second. "Well, rehired me."

J'onn narrowed his eyes and Kara laughed nervously. "Long story short, I got fired by my boss because I published an article without his consent and also because he was a sexist jerk. Then I met Lena and she told me to apply again and Sam interviewed me without knowing Lena and I knew each other and I got my job back." Her sentence was perhaps _a_   _little_ too long and she maybe she should have caught her breath instead of blurting everything out in less than ten seconds.

Studying her face, J'onn took a moment before saying anything. "I imagine it was a very hard situation, losing your job as... a reporter if I'm not mistaking." Kara gave a positive nod to both of his statements. "Is this the moment where you started feeling like you were... losing control?"

"I guess that's what triggered everything," she said. When she had walked out of Cat Co, followed by the intrigued gaze of her co-workers, all of her stuff in a box where her pride was also hiding she had been so ashamed that she had barely been able to hold back the tears that were threatening to roll down her cheeks. It had been one of the hardest thing to do. "Like everything stable in my life was just... collapsing. And I was in a relationship with a guy who made me feel like crap. He..."

They were reaching a hard topic once again and Kara knew J'onn could feel it. But like before, he didn't try to push her. He simply waited.

"He hit me one night, so I left him." Kara felt her throat tightening but she managed to give J'onn a half smile. The look on his face was full of compassion and Kara started to really understand why Lena cared about him so much. You could tell how affected he was by what his patient told him.

"And the moment where he hit you... was it when you felt like everything was messed up?"

"I felt like a lot of things were messed up. And my sister and I had just had a fight... it was so stupid."

"What happened?" he asked, and Kara was almost surprised by his question, but he had probably guessed it was something she was more willing to talk about.

But mentioning it was still hard. She'd be lying if she said that what Alex had told her wasn't part of the reasons why she had tried to end her life. All of those memories were intertwined in her head, and she had locked them somewhere safe in the back of her head.

Now was probably the time to free them.

 

_When Kara entered the bedroom, she found Alex, sitting on the floor, a half-empty bottle of whiskey in the hand. The brunette didn't move as Kara walked in and sat next to her._

_"I think you should leave the whiskey alone for a moment, Alex."_

_Her sister didn't say anything. Kara closed the bottle and set it on the bed, before taking her sister's hand and squeezing it gently. But to her surprise, Alex removed it instantly and set her forehead in her hands._

_"Get out, Kara," Alex murmured, keeping her gaze to the ground._

_The blonde heard the alcohol in her sister's voice and didn't move a muscle._

_"Alex... Don't do that," Kara pleaded. "Don't push me away. You know I'm here for you, always. And I know you're angry and sad, I..."_

_"No, you don't know anything!" Alex lifted her head in a violent movement and Kara moved back a little._

_"Alex..."_

_"I said you don't know ANYTHING!" she screamed. "You never loved him the way I did, and now he's gone and no one but me gives a shit, especially not_ you _!" She pointed accusingly to Kara. "It's been five years, so what? We can all pretend that he never existed in order to be as happy as you are?"_

 _That was the last thing Kara expected. She hadn't slept that night. She had stared at the ceiling for five hours, the hole in her heart eating her up. She was feeling miserable, sad, broken. Because she had lost someone else, she had lost the man who had given her a home when she had just lost her own. She had lost the man who had treated her like her own daughter, teaching her how to plant goddamn salads and going fishing with her. He, along with Eliza, and later Alex, had mended the broken pieces of her heart. Every year she had three death anniversary to go through, two nightmarish days were it felt like someone was ripping her heart out of her chest, and it was not getting easier. Kara loved him just as much as she loved her real parents._ She doesn't mean it _, she told herself_

_"You know it's not true, Alex. I miss him just as much as you do. And Eliza does too." She tried to get closer but this time it's her sister who moved back. She got up and stared at Kara, before laughing bitterly._

_"Yeah, maybe mom does care. But Jeremiah is not important enough for you. It doesn't matter that he took care of you, because he's not your_ real _dad. You only care about your_ real _parents anyway."_

 _At those words, Kara felt anger boiling in her blood. But even if it was horribly unfair, she kept her calm, because Alex was drunk and desperate and she didn't mean what she said._ She doesn't mean it _. She sighed and got up as well. Alex had leaned her elbows on the window ledge and she was staring in the void, tapping her foot on the floor._ She doesn't mean it. She doesn't mean it, she doesn't mean it.

 _"I'm not fighting with you, Alex. Not today and certainly not about_ that _."_

_Alex didn't look at her. "Why? Because you don't want your perfect day to be ruined by something so insignificant?"_

She doesn't mean it _. Kara struggled to keep herself from raising her voice. "You can't say that Alex. You're just dumping your anger on me because you're hurting, and I get it, I'm hurting too. But I have every right to miss my parents, and that doesn't mean I don't care about Jeremiah."_

 _Alex turned her head towards her so quickly that Kara startled. Her face was red and contorted in anger._ She doesn't mean it, she doesn't mean it.

_"No, Kara, it does." She stopped for a second and Kara started worrying about what her sister was going to say next. "Because you're either part of the family, or you're NOT."_

She doesn't mean it. She doesn't mean it she doesn't mean it.

She can't mean it.

_When Kara left Alex's apartment she almost threw up in the elevator. Everything hurt. Something threatening was growing inside her, she could feel it taking control and she had no idea how to make it stop._

 

  
"I felt like I was losing her."

J'onn had listened to her describing the fight, occasionally nodding and keeping his eyes locked on Kara's face. "Was it the first time you guys were having a big fight?" he asked, removing his glasses from his nose and cleaning them with his sleeve.

"We had already had big fights, but this time it was like she was hurting me on purpose. After I left I just felt even more miserable than before." She and Alex always bickered about everything, and they had had a couple of serious arguments. But this time, even though Kara knew her sister was in a dark place she hadn't been able to keep her words from hurting her.

J'onn stayed quiet for a moment, like if he was trying to form his sentence the best way possible. "Can we just come back to what you said earlier? If I remember correctly you told me that being fired triggered everything. Do you think all this... sadness and anger you accumulated was already there before you lost your job? Like some kind of ticking bomb, you had in you. The countdown started when they fired you, then it got faster with your fight with your sister and even faster when your boyfriend hit you."

A ticking bomb. That was probably the best way she could have described it. Each time she was being hurt it would get closer to zero. And then it had exploded.

"Sometimes, even before I got fired, I had moments where..." she tried to find her words, but for once English failed her. She had no idea how to put her feelings in a meaningful sentence, even though she had always been gifted when it came to using English as a way to express herself or what she stood for.

"Finish your thought, Kara," J'onn pressed. His tone was encouraging and she couldn't help but at least try to form her phrase. She said the first words that came to her mind, letting them slip out of her mouth even though she wasn't sure they were the good ones.

"Sometimes it felt like nothing made sense. Like I didn't even exist. I would be perfectly fine, and five seconds later my mood would shift entirely and I would start getting anxious for no reason. It started when I was a teenager."

Turns out, they were the good ones and they said exactly what she wanted them to. "Then when Mike hit me I couldn't do it anymore," she added, her voice lowering a little.

She saw J'onn's eyes narrow and he leaned forward on his chair, setting his elbows on his knees.

"Do what, Kara?"

She couldn't say it out loud. She couldn't accept it, she couldn't make it _real_. But J'onn made her feel like she had to. And maybe she did had to. Maybe getting it out of her system would make it easier to think about.

"I tried to kill myself two months ago," Kara blurted out without thinking. She heard herself saying those words, and each of them was a dagger that was plunged into her skin and then slowly, slowly, slowly removed. She had said it out loud.

Tried. To. Kill. Herself.

"I tried to jump off a bridge," she added, because now that she had opened up about it it felt easier to give details. "Lena caught me before I fell. That's how we met, by the way. Funny way to make friends, right?"

It wasn't funny and Kara wasn't laughing. She was crying, actually. She didn't know when tears had started to roll down her cheeks but now they didn't want to stop anymore. Soon she started really sobbing and she buried her forehead in her hand.

"I'm sorry, I- I just want to forget about it... but I can't," she choked out.

Suddenly a hand was on her shoulder and she raised her tear-drenched face. J'onn was handing her a tissue with a sad smile, one that seemed to say _you're really hurting, aren't you?_

When she stopped crying, Kara excused herself and asked where the bathroom was. She splashed her reddened face with freezing water until it didn't feel cold anymore and spent a few minutes calming her breath. The girl had expected it to be emotional, but maybe not that much. She felt exhausted, it was the second time in two days she was breaking down and she was starting to be tired of it, she just wanted to get better. And move on.

When she came back, J'onn was still on the sofa and Kara hesitated a second before sitting next to him. He didn't go back to his chair and turned to face Kara.

"Forgetting is not an option, Kara." He paused to give her some time to truly understand the meaning of his words. "The more you're going to try to erase what happened, the hardest it will be to let go of the past. If you pretend that everything's fine then you won't heal."

Deep down, Kara knew he was right. She had known from the very beginning that she couldn't run away from it. She couldn't just get lost forever in Lena's _deep green eyes_ until nothing hurt anymore, she had to face what she had done, and what could possibly happen in the future.

"Do you think I'll... I'll try to kill myself again? It happened once, why would it be the only time?" It was what she was most afraid of. Feeling like everything could shatter and fall apart in a blink of an eye because she couldn't control herself was terrifying. J'onn scrutinized her face and removed his glasses to look directly into her eyes.

"Are you sure you want my opinion?" he demanded, his voice like a warning, and suddenly Kara wasn't sure anymore. But she needed to know the truth, and maybe it was stupid because she was the only one who could really know that, but she needed it.

"Yes, I do."

"I don't think you'll try to kill yourself again," he said. "I think you have things in your life that make it worth living."

Kara let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. So there was hope, right? She was the one who could choose whether she would live or die, she could control everything.

"This is both an objective and a subjective statement," he added, "but the important part is that _you're_ in control. You get to decide _everything_ about your life. But it's still important to talk about it and work on it. We could do it together if you want to."

Kara blinked back the tears that threatened to come back and she gave J'onn a half-smile. The man got back up and checked his watch.

"I think our time is up, Kara."

It had been an hour since she had walked into this room, and she didn't know whether it was the most stressing or the most relieving thing she had ever done. But she was sure of one thing, she wanted to keep doing it, even though she was horribly conflicted. When Kara left J'onn J'onzz's cabinet they had already planned another session for the next week.

 _You're always right, Lena_ , she thought as she left the alley and walked back into reality.

 

\---

 

_This is ugly._

Lena sighed heavily and dropped face first on her bed, throwing the swimsuits she had been trying on for the last twenty-five minutes to the other side of her bedroom. With her face in the pillow, she heard them hitting the wall and a feeling of contentment spread through her. Was she happy to punish swimsuits? Yes. Was it pathetic? Probably.

In a superhuman effort, Lena pushed herself up and settled on her back. Right now, she was questioning a lot of her life choices. Like, for example, why had she accepted to go to the beach with Kara and her friends? Well, there were some good reasons. First, if she had even _tried_ to say no (which she hadn't) Kara would have pouted for at least twenty minutes and it would have taken a maximum ten for Lena to agree. _I went to therapy, Lena, you can go to the beach_. How was she supposed to argue on that?

She wasn't.

That's how she found herself struggling to find a swimsuit that didn't make her look like a seventeen-year-old girl (seventeen being the last time she went to the beach) nor like a CEO who was trying to find investments by exposing way too many parts of her body. But for now, all she had managed to do was create a huge mess in her bedroom and she still had no idea what she was going to take. She had twenty minutes to either chose something from her closet or go buy a new swimsuit before Kara would show up at her door to pick her up.

Her friend had given her so much information about that day that Lena barely remembered half of it. She didn't even know exactly where they were going (some small beach less than fourty-five minutes away), but the main information she had paid real attention to was that _everybody_ was coming. _Everybody_ meaning Alex, Maggie, James, Lucy, Winn and his new girlfriend, and even Sam and Ruby (Kara and she had become close friends in less than three days). And it would also be the first time Lena and James' girlfriend would meet, but the whole group seemed to appreciate her very much, so there was no apparent reason why she wouldn't like her too.

After another ten minutes, Lena finally settled for one swimsuit, a very simple black one she felt quite comfortable into. She put it on under her clothes and started gathering all the beach stuff she would need for the day. Towels, solar cream, sunglasses, underwear... As she was placing everything in her backpack (which already threatened to explode) her phone started ringing at the other side of her apartment. Wanting to reach it before it was too late, she abandoned her half-open bag - _huge_ mistake- and started running towards the sound. The CEO heard her carefully stuffed bag falling from her bed and all of her things rolling on the floor. Swearing, she picked up the phone and ran back to her bedroom to repair the damages.

"Oh, fuck you..." She grumbled as she started picking up her sunscreen container -which, of course, had unlocked and had flowed on her immaculate floor.

" _Hi, Le... what?_ "

Lena couldn't help but chuckle when she heard the change of tone in Kara's voice. "Not you, I just flooded my entire apartment with sunscreen. But whatever. Where are you guys?" She could hear car sounds and Alex insulting Winn in the background.

" _We'll be here in two minutes,_ " Kara answered in an excited voice. " _I hope you're ready for Beach-Sunday because I can tell you that I am and that..._ "

Lena heard Alex's voice interrupting her sister's monologue in a commanding tone. " _Kara! Focus on the road and let Lena get ready!_ "

"You're not driving, are you?" Lena asked, raising an eyebrow, half worried and half amused.

" _Don't worry, I'm using the hands-free car kit!_ "

At the other end, Maggie said something Lena didn't hear and Kara's grumpy voice rang out once again. " _I know! I'll hang up_." This time she talked to Lena directly. " _Sorry I've gotta go or they are apparently going to kidnap my inflatable sea lion._ "

Had she just heard _inflatable sea lion_?

"That would be such a shame," Lena teased, stuffing everything in her bag once again but this time closing it, keeping her phone locked between her shoulder and her ear.

" _Yes absolutely it would be sad if they did so and we'll be here in a minute meet us downstairs ok bye._ "

Lena had just the time to say "try not to kill everyone" and the line went silent. She grabbed her bag and put it on her shoulder, before turning every light off and locking her front door behind her. When the girl walked out of her building she heard a car horn that drew her attention to the right.

She couldn't have missed it anyway.

There was a yellow inflatable -and inflated- sea lion attached to the roof of the car, alongside with what seemed to be parasols. When she got into the car, for the first time in her life she wished there were paparazzi's to take a picture of Lena Luthor leaving town with a yellow sea lion. Her mother would have probably _loved_ it.

The front seat was free and Kara smiled widely at her as she tapped on it to get her to sit there.

"So you really have a yellow inflatable sea lion?" Lena asked as she put on her seatbelt, lifting an eyebrow and waving at her friends who were sitting behind her. Kara started the car and nodded vigorously. "And you attached it to your car's roof?" The blonde stopped at a red light and turned her face towards Lena.

"Would you rather go on the roof so that I can put it on your seat?" she scoffed, with a falsely exasperated tone.

"Or you could have inflated it after we arrived."

Behind her, Alex made a triumphant sound and pumped fisted. "That's exactly what I told her!"

Ignoring her sister's comment, Kara grinned at Lena and put huge sunglasses on her nose. She looked adorable. When light turned green again, it was Winn's turn to get enthusiastic from the backseat.

"You'll see, it's so funny because when you climb on it it's almost impossible to stay still!" He said, sounding way too excited about that for a grownup man. No wonder why he was Kara's best friend. It was amazing how Kara had the ability to be incredibly responsible and mature and at the same time act like... that. Alex sighed gravely and set her hand on Lena's shoulder.

"I think we are the only adults here, Lena," she said, and her complaint was almost instantly followed by a slap and an outraged yelp.

"You had it coming, Danvers," Maggie commented as Alex rubbed her shoulder and grumbled. Winn hid his eyes behind his hand and turned his face away.

"Look, you guys are free to do whatever you want but please, please not now. I'm literally stuck between the two of you." He was begging like a traumatized child and Kara gave Lena an exasperated gaze that made the both of them burst into laughter.

"Gross, Winn," Lena commented

But Maggie was apparently ready to defend herself. "I'm a grownup too," she argued. "Actually, Alex, last night, didn't you say that I was your dadd..."

They all shouted _Maggie_ at the same time. Alex hid her face in her hands, Lena turned on the radio and Kara started singing as loud as she could to keep the brunette from going any further.

"I swear I'm gonna jump out of this car," Winn grumbled. "And then _I'm_ the gross one!"

Surprisingly, none of them committed murder and they reached the beach in one piece. Another car, driven by Lucy and bringing James and Lyra (Winn's new girlfriend) arrived a few minutes later. The second Lucy got out of the car, Kara was almost knocking her off with her a crushing hug. Lena had understood they hadn't seen each other for several months, Lucy's job forcing her to travel a lot. The two girls chattered a little before Kara turned towards Lena, extending her hand and gesturing her to come closer.

"Lucy, this is Lena. Lena, Lucy," Kara said, and the two women exchanged a warm handshake. "You guys have a lot of things in common," she continued. "For example, you're both very good at ordering people to do things. Not in a negative way, of course, but more like strong leadership skills, if you know what I mean." Kara's awkward rambling made the two women laugh and they shared a knowing look. Suddenly Alex's voice rang out. She was trying to understand how Kara had attached the sea lion and the blonde apologized quickly before running to help her sister with her highly important marine animal issue.

"Lena Luthor," Lucy said, nodding slowly. There was no implied accusation in her voice and Lena felt a smile appear on her face. "It's nice to meet you. I feel like I know you though because the newspapers are always talking about you and L-Corp. But I imagine you're not the same when you're in a meeting room or at the beach."

"Lucy Lang," Lena parroted. "I'm very glad to meet you. I could say the same things, the case you've been working on lately have been extremely covered by the press. Great job, by the way. But I imagine you're not the same when you're in a courtroom or at the beach."

Lucy smiled at her. "You're doing amazing things with L-Corp."

"The only reason why I'm doing it is to piss off my mother," Lena joked. "I'm just trying to turn L-Corp in a good company," she added, her tone serious once again, "one that has not been created only to earn money -which was how my mother saw it before I became the CEO."

Their conversation was interrupted by another car that parked next to them. Ruby jumped out of it, followed by Sam who was carrying a huge beach bag. The young girl ran to give Lena a hug and the woman returned it warmly. She was greeting Sam when Alex shouted them to _get their butts on the sand and start unpacking_. They all settled in an empty space about ten meters from the sea, where they installed their towels and parasols in a circle. As she was about to lie on the sand to begin the day with a sunbath, Lena felt a hand grabbing her arm. Kara was already in her swimsuit -a blue one that perfectly matched her eyes- and she started pulling her towards the sea.

"What?!" Lena exclaimed. "Kara, we just arrived! Do we really need to go now?"

Kara nodded forcefully and said "The sea doesn't wait" in a way too serious voice. Lena let out an annoyed groan but she already knew she would be in the water in less than two minutes.

"You're exploiting my inability to refuse you anything," Lena lamented as she removed her T-shirt. Kara gave her an angelic smile.

"No, I'm not. Besides, I'll make it up to you," she stated. "I downloaded this Chess app you talked about on my phone. That way we can play together when we'll be done swimming."

Lena rose an eyebrow in disbelief. "You hate Chess, Kara."

The blonde girl pointed herself with her finger, gaping. "Me? I looove chess. I'm just afraid that I'll destroy you and then you won't want to be my friend anymore because you'll be too offended!"

Lena mumbled a _we'll see_  and she had barely enough time to fold her clothing before Kara dragged her into the water. It was not as cold as Lena thought it would be, but she didn't jump straight into it as Kara did. The taller girl disappeared under the water for five seconds before reappearing a few meters away, laughing and shaking her head to get her wet hair off her face.

And Lena found herself staring at her friend, who looked absolutely gorgeous in her swimsuit and with her soaked hair that fell on her shoulders. Beautiful. Lena was still looking at the girl without moving, halfway into the water when she saw Kara's eyes go wide as the blonde turned in her direction. A second later two wet hands grabbed Lena's shoulders and she felt herself losing her balance and falling straight into the water. Sinking into it, she let out a surprised cry that got completely muffled by the water and turned into useless bubbles. When Lena managed to get back up and emerged from the water, this time completely wet, it was to Sam's beamed face. Behind her, Kara's laugh rang out and Lena took a deep breath before looking at Sam dead in the eyes. The girl was smiling widely and winked at her.

"You'd better thank me," Sam teased, "because if I hadn't saved your butt you'd still be gawking at Kara like a teenage girl. But I can't blame you, she does look good."

"You should have said goodbye to your daughter, Arias," Lena murmured, "because I swear to god you're not getting out of this alive."

And before Sam could react Lena was pushing her in the water and quite aggressively drowning her under Kara's amused gaze.

That's pretty much how they spent the rest of the morning, playing volleyball and drowning each other, occasionally teaming up against Kara to make her pout. Turns out, falling from a sea lion was indeed funny, especially when it happened to somebody else than Lena. She climbed on it once, managed to stay balanced for ten seconds before Winn decided to create a freaking tsunami right next to her and she fell face first in the water.

In short, Lena Luthor was having actual fun. If it had been with anybody else, she would have found this whole thing incredibly stupid and would have left to do more important things, like finding funds for her new projects or other business related stuff. If she had been surrounded by people she didn't care about she would have _hated it_. But right now all she could see, wherever she looked, were her friends, and several of the most important people in her life, and it couldn't have been any better. She chased the thought of what her mother would say if she could see her right now. The words _pathetic_ and _predictable_ came to her mind, but Lena decided she wouldn't give a damn about her mother's opinion and she would leave all of her rules and expectations behind in order to have a great time. And an amazing feeling of freedom overtook her, she could forget about everything that threatened her, everything that made her anxious and just _live_ and  _swim_ and  _drown_.

Around 1 p.m. Alex and Maggie went to the city center -which consisted of three restaurants, a bar and a Target- to get them pizzas. The group had understood it was time for them to eat when all of their stomachs had started growling in harmony, and now the two women were back with _thirteen_ pizzas. They all settled on their respective towels in the shadow of their umbrellas and chattered easily as the ate. Three of the pizzas were reserved for James because he was the only one who enjoyed pineapple on them, and Lena burst into laughter at the sight of Kara's disgusted look when he took his first bite. The blonde had sat next to Lena and they were both sharing a Marguerita. As they were talking about their weeks, Lena started sorting her pizza slices in order of priority (it was an old habit her brother had given her when they were younger, back when he secretly ordered food that didn't cost more than an iPhone but tasted like dead fish and shared it with Lena in the middle of the night when their mother was asleep). The woman felt Kara's gaze on her and she didn't even have to lift her head to guess what her friend was thinking.

"Yes, sorting pizza slices is weird. No, I'm not stopping."

Kara smiled and took Lena's hand in hers, squeezing it slightly. "I'm not judging, don't worry. I'd go as far as saying that I find it rather cute."

Lena's eyebrow raised and she gave Kara a suspicious look. "You'd be the first one to say tha... Oh my god." _Oh no_. _Oh no, no, no_ , she had forgotten. Lena's jaw dropped and recognition dawned on her face. Kara frowned and sent her a questioning gaze.

"What? What's wrong?" she asked.

"I forgot to put sunscreen on," she said, and even though it was a rather dramatic event, Kara started giggling and she felt the girl's hand gently pat her shoulder.

"You'll be a little more tanned than usual on Monday," she tried to reassure between two chuckles. The CEO shook her head in a hopeless movement.

"I don't get tanned, Kara. I burn. I literally burn. I'm gonna look like a shrimp."

Kara sent her an amused look and fumbled into her backpack.

"Turn around," she said, "I'll save you."

Obeying, Lena presented her back to her friend who had gotten the sunscreen out of her bag. The raven-haired woman pulled her hair in a messy bun to give Kara full access to her back and the blonde started gently massaging Lena's lower back. Her hands were moving slowly, taking the time to perfectly spread the cream, and Lena couldn't help but appreciate the feeling. Kara moved to her shoulders and the back of her arms, and then finally to her upper back. Was it just an impression, or did Kara's hand linger just a little bit more than they had to when they reached the perfect skin of Lena's neck? Maybe it was just the product of her imagination, but the woman didn't really care, her whole brain was focusing on the feeling of Kara's hand on her skin and the rest of the world was simply scrapped.

She would have wanted it to last forever, but soon Kara was done and Lena turned around once again. Kara's cheeks were just slightly red and Lena didn't know whether it was because of the sun and the heat, but she felt like something was about to happen. Like if Kara was wondering if she could do something, and maybe she was debating whether she should do this _something_ because she had this adorable crinkle between her brows. And all of a sudden a ball fell right between the two of them, dissipating the magic of the moment in the sand. Winn ran towards them and picked up the ball. He sent them a quick apology, and when he left once again both Kara and Lena were awkwardly smiling at each other like they were waking up from a dream.

Lena was in the middle of her second pizza when she fell asleep sometime later. She rarely napped, but the conditions were too perfect and the CEO didn't have enough courage to fight her tiredness. As she was sleeping, the part of her brain that was still functioning started wondering what her head was lying on. It was the perfect combination of soft and hard, but it was way too warm to be her pillow.

Turns out, it was Kara's abs.

She wasn't really sure of how she had managed to fall asleep on _Kara's abs_ without noticing it, but it had apparently happened and now the reporter was sleeping too, and Lena was too afraid of waking her up that she decided to stay still until Kara was done with her nap. The blonde looked at peace with herself and with the world and she was smiling softly in her sleep. Lena felt a warm feeling of happiness spreading through her at that sight. She knew Kara still had a long way to go, she knew there were _so many_ things that she still needed to work on in order to heal completely, the panic attack two weeks ago proved it, but still. But still Lena could sense that Kara was getting better, and it was truly everything she wanted. She looked so peaceful, and her breathing was calm and relaxing, and it was warm, and Lena was about to fall back asleep when Kara's stomach growled soundly. The raven-haired woman didn't manage to stop the chuckle to escape her lips and Kara lifted her sleepy-looking head.

"What?" she asked, yawning.

"Apart from the fact that you're digesting the enormous pizza you just ate and my ear is about two centimètre away from your stomach? Nothing."

Kara scoffed and pushed herself on her elbow as Lena sat on her towel.

"Sorry for... that," Lena said, making a gesture that she hoped said _falling asleep on your very surprisingly toned abs considering the amazing amount of food you eat on a daily basis_. Kara smiled warmly and looked at her without answering for a moment.

"Anytime," she finally said.

_Anytime?_

They spent what was left of the afternoon playing chess, and Kara was actually a pretty good opponent. If Lena was more of a strategist, planning everything from the very beginning, Kara seemed to just go with the flow and to take every occasion to attack. And even though Lena was amazingly talented when it came to guessing what move her opponent was about to make, Kara seemed to take advantage of that. Sometimes Lena fell into her traps and all of a sudden Kara's queen was blocking her king and there was nothing else she could do.

"Are you guys going to keep doing this for a long time," Alex asked as she and Maggie sat next to them. The two players were in the middle of their third game, which was very intense, and none of them bothered to raise their head to answer.

"Probably," Kara said, taking Lena's Rook with her Queen.

"It depends on whether I keep letting her win," Lena added even though she was really _not_ letting her win.

Kara scoffed and let out an outraged yelp when Lena took her Queen with one of her Knight.

"How could I not see that," she lamented, and Lena winked at her.

Alex sighed heavily and set her chin in her hands. "That looks fascinating," she said. Lena saw her turning her head towards her girlfriend as to look for support, but the brunette froze and sent Maggie a disapproving look.

"Will you stop doing that," she grumbled, and Lena followed Maggie's gaze, which was set on Sam.

Maggie gave Alex a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'll stop when you'll stop, babe."

"Me?" Alex cried out. "I didn't... Would you stop bullying me, please." Her tone was so pleading that it became hard for Lena to maintain a neutral face.

Kara lifted her head from the board and blinked several times at the three women.

"What did I miss?" she asked, turning to Lena who was trying, and miserably failing to hide her laughter.

"Alex is jealous because I was looking at Sam, but I saw her doing the same earlier." Maggie wrapped her arm around her girlfriend's shoulder. "That doesn't mean I don't find you excessively attractive in that swimsuit of yours," she added, lowering her voice. But it was loud enough for both of the other girls to hear it and Kara pointed her finger towards her sister.

"Leave. Now."

Maggie grabbed Alex's hand and they both walked away, leaving Lena and Kara very unfocused.

"Are they always like that?" Lena asked, even if she had seen enough in the past few weeks to already know the answer.

"You can't even imagine." The look on Kara's face was a combination of annoyance and affection. "And the worst thing is that it's the _exact_ reason why they are meant to be together."

Lena nodded and smirked. "I'm Sanvers all the way."

In the end, Lena won two more games than Kara, and when they stopped playing the sun was starting to get closer to the horizon. The sea was turning into beautiful orange and they were the only ones left on the beach. Alex and Maggie had said something about going to a bar downtown and James, Lucy, Winn and his girlfriend had followed them. Sam had already left, because Ruby had spent the entire day running everywhere and she had been close to collapsing of exhaustion -Sam had been too, being a good mother and playing with her daughter all day long. And now it was only Kara and Lena, sitting next to each other and watching the waves crash in front of them.

"This therapy was a good idea," Kara started, turning her head to face her friend. "J'onn is great. We talked about a lot of things. My fight with Alex, Mike hitting me, my..." She took a deep breath and Lena sent her an encouraging smile. "My suicide attempt. And he's helping me accepting everything. He even gave me tips to lower my anxiety, like those amazing breathing exercises where you inhale for eight seconds, then block for six seconds and finally exhale for three seconds. It works like magic."

Lena took Kara's hand and brought her closer to give her a hug. "I'm glad it's helping you. I just want you to get better." She paused for a second and scrutinized Kara's face. The blonde's expression was soft and Lena couldn't see any trace of anxiety or distress on her delicate features. "You deserve to be happy. And you will."

Kara's eyes started to shine and a single tear fell down her cheek. Lena gently wiped it with her thumb.

"You really saved me, you know," Kara whispered, her voice full of emotion. Her mouth curved into a smile. "In every way possible. You just make everything… worth it."

 _Worth it_. Lena had made things _worth it_. Lena, who had always been told she wasn’t good enough to be a Luthor, who had always felt like she disappointed everyone. She had made things worth it for the most amazing and kind-hearted person she had ever met. Now she was the one who was about to cry. When Lena had seen this desperate girl about to jump off a bridge several months ago, she had known in a blink of an eye she had to save her. She had to help her see how much she was offering to the world by being alive. She had to grab her hand at the right time. So she had decided to do all of those things.

Now, here they were, sitting together, watching the sunset on a desert beach, and Lena was wondering what Kara was thinking about because the crinkle was back. Something in the air was changing, and she knew there was something she was missing, but she just couldn’t find what it was. Kara looked like she had her head in the clouds and Lena was pretty sure it was the most amazing thing she had ever been allowed to watch. They had stopped talking. Now those indescribably deep blue eyes were locked on her face, and it was so mesmerizing that Lena didn’t notice how close they were, she didn’t realize Kara was leaning in just so that she could feel the air she was exhaling on her, she didn’t pay attention to the way Kara was now darting at her lips, she didn’t notice Kara was about to kiss her.

And all of a sudden Kara was kissing her.

All of a sudden she felt the softness of her lips against hers.

All of a sudden everything around them froze, the waves stopped crashing, the birds were petrified like statues in the air, the sun stood still and all there was left was Kara, her smell, the sound of her breathing, the taste of her lips.

Everything froze.

Lena froze.

 _I can’t do this._  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can someone please force me to save my work before I close the document because re-writing half of this chapter was emotionally unbearable :,)))
> 
> thank you so so so much for all your comments and Kudos <33
> 
> ok bye now


	8. right before we crash (like the waves next to us), part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a mistake last chapter, I said they went to the beach on a Saturday BUT it was supposed to be a Sunday, yes it matters (not a lot but coherence is important) so I changed it ^^

Kara had been thinking about kissing Lena all day long, and most of the reasons she had found and carefully cultivated to avoid doing it for the last two weeks had vanished between the moment Lena had gotten into the car and their first Chess game. Except for maybe one reason. The biggest one.

_She doesn't like me back._

Kara had spent the whole morning repeating it to herself again and again, just so that it could get stuck in her mind and stop her from doing anything stupid -like kissing Lena, for example.

And not kissing Lena Luthor was very hard. But that wasn't her fault if Lena's lips looked so soft, if her hair looked so beautiful, if her jawline was so defined and if the swimsuit she was wearing fit her so damn perfectly, showing everything that needed to be shown. It was definitely not her fault if Lena was -and also looked- amazing. Kara didn't know who had decided to include the raven-haired girl in her life, but this person was probably a tad too optimistic when it came to her ability to stop herself from telling the rest of the word to go to hell and just kiss Lena Luthor.

There had been multiple times in the day where she could have done it, she could have easily closed the gap between the two of them. When you have someone who makes you feel like that -happy and good and serene and hopeful and inspired and safe- shouldn't you just go for it? Give it a try, be daring?

No, you shouldn't, you shouldn't at all because kissing Lena was a bad idea.

Kara trusted herself not to do it. As long as she had this big reason that prohibited her to hope anything could happen, it would be just fine. They were friends. Friends friends friends. And Lena was the best friend she had ever had, she was the sweetest and smartest and the most caring person she had ever met. She was literally everything Kara needed and wanted to have in her life, she had this wonderful will to just help everyone and make their lives better, in the whole world with L-Corp and in her everyday life with all the little things she did for the ones she loved. And Kara was among them, probably just in a friendly way, but the feeling she got whenever Lena sent her one of her gentle and caring smiles gave her the courage to face everything. She had the amazing capacity of making Kara braver, and she needed that kind of bravery to keep trying to get better.

Lena was like something that made everything a little bit more worth fighting for, like a bonus that turned her path towards recovery into a less narrow one. And if Lena didn't see her as more than a friend, it was okay.

Their friendship was enough. It was enough, they were both happy like that, why would she ruin it all? Kissing Lena Luthor was a bad idea. Kissing Lena Luthor couldn't do anything good for their relationship. Kissing Lena Luthor was not an option. Kissing Lena Luthor was...

Completely an option now that she had looked at her this way, had let her put sunscreen on her, had let Kara's hand linger way too long on her neck, had repeatedly taken her hand, had fallen asleep on her freaking _lap_. Ok, it was not the first time those things happened -except for the sunscreen and the nap. But it just felt different. She couldn't be imagining all of this. All of those little things that couldn't be just friendly when it came to Lena.

Of course, you could take a girl's hand, then let her put sunscreen on you and maybe even take a nap on her, all of this in a friendly way. That kind of thing happened between close friends. But Lena? Kara wasn't sure she was doing it like that. She knew how the girl acted with her friends, especially with Sam, and the CEO never looked at her the same way she looked at Kara. It felt different, not better, but different, like there was a deeper meaning hidden in her eyes. Sam and she hugged sometimes, but apart from that almost nothing physical ever happened. It was like Lena was constantly holding back to keep a distance between her and the rest of the world, a kind of shield she had built to protect herself that she partially let down with Sam or Ruby and probably her brother. But whenever Kara and Lena were together she seemed to transform into someone who actually liked and even initiated body contact.

Kara had very happily settled for that, using every opportunity to give the girl a hug or sometimes even put her arms around her shoulders when they were sitting next to each other, and Lena was apparently fine with that. The way she seemed to relax instantly whenever Kara was physically close to her was another proof that Lena let her in like nobody else. Maybe it was stupid, maybe she was just too optimistic. But maybe there was a chance.

As the day went on, the pros started wining and the cons began slowly drifting off the coast -and maybe the sun was making her a little exhilarated, too, but no big deal.

There had to be a chance because Lena hadn't protested when she had slightly started to lean in as they were watching the sunset. Or when Kara had set her eyes on her lips. For approximately ten seconds, Kara had been sure that the lack of reaction was a positive thing. During those ten seconds, she had felt confidence building up inside her, and when the adrenaline had kicked in there was no doubt she needed to kiss Lena Luthor. The raven-haired woman was looking at her without moving, her beautiful green eyes locked on her face. She needed to kiss Lena Luthor.

So she had done it. She had dared to kiss her.

When she did, Lena didn't move either, and now Kara wasn't sure anymore. Now that their lips were connected and that Lena was doing pretty much _nothing_ , Kara started to think she had made a huge mistake.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

And then it occurred to her. She had kissed Lena. She had recklessly decided that putting their friendship at risk was worth it because of some stupid speculations, and it was such a big mistake. Now she couldn't take it back, her feelings were out there and Lena was... doing nothing.

She pulled back completely, letting out a nervous laugh that died at the sight of Lena's wide eyes. Why had she just done that? Why on earth had she just done that?

"Right, sorry, it's just... I thought... nevermind...." she mumbled and she felt her face turning crimson. No, no, no. She had to go back in time, maybe if she thought about it hard enough it would work. _Time travel doesn't exist, Kara, when you mess up you have to deal with it_. She was such an idiot.

Kara moved to the other side of the towel, avoiding any eye contact with Lena who seemed to try to make sense of what had just happened. She honestly looked lost, like if Kara had just ended that oblivious state she had been in. That good old oblivious state where Lena wasn't aware that Kara had a crush on her.

_Oh god._

Her friend wasn't saying anything and Kara started wondering what was the protocol in that kind of situation. She would have gladly googled "what to do after you kissed your best friend who doesn't see you like more than that and made a total fool of yourself". But she was afraid that the internet would abandon her and coldly reply that there was no result to that, suggesting her to check the freaking spelling of her research. As if she didn't know how to write "fool".

_F-O-O-L_. See?

She just wanted to run away, hide into a corner and wait for everyone to forget about how she had thought Lena could be interested in her. But Kara was frozen as well, terrified at the idea of leaving without at least seeing Lena's reaction. They had never even talked about sexual orientation and everything. What if Lena didn't approve that kind of thing? No, it was Lena, and there was no way she could have such an opinion. She just didn't like her back.

Maybe Kara could convince her that the sun had made her a little dizzy and that she hadn't meant to kiss her? But Lena was intelligent -sorry, a genius- and that was the most obvious lie ever. And besides, she didn't even want to lie about her feelings.

She definitely had to run away. Or dig a hole in the sand and bury herself in it. Do it the ostrich way.

"Kara... you..." Lena said, interrupting the panic wave the girl was experiencing. Her friend sounded bewildered.

Run. Away.

Kara snapped her head in Lena's direction. She still looked confused, frowning and blinking rapidly as to make sure she wasn't dreaming and that Kara had actually tried to kiss her.

Why why why why.

It seemed that Lena was trying to find the right words to continue, but Kara's face was burning with shame and she truly couldn't have that conversation right now.

"Forget about it," she interrupted and she plastered a smile on her face. "It was stupid, let's just pretend nothing happened, okay? Actually, nothing happened, really, it was nothing."

Getting up, she removed the sand on her legs and caught the sight of Alex, Maggie and Winn walking in their direction.

_Saved by the bell._

"Oh, they are back. I'll... I'll go talk to them. Yep, I'll go talk to them. And you... do whatever you want to do. Right." She turned around, not looking at Lena who was getting up as well.

"Kara, wait, we need to..." Lena tried, grabbing her forearm, and there was a pleading look on her face that begged Kara to listen to her. But the girl knew what was coming, the good old post-rejection speech that was meant to make you feel better but had the effect of making everything more awkward. And she couldn't hear that right now. She couldn't hear Lena telling her that she didn't like her the same way but that she still wanted to be her friend, and that she didn't have to feel awkward.

She didn't want to hear it because whatever Lena would say it would be awkward.

How could she not feel ashamed and embarrassed after... that? So stupid. She could have just ignored her feelings and waited for this crush -it was just a small crush, nothing bigger, nothing bigger, nothing bigger at all- to go away. But now Lena knew, and she would always see her as someone who couldn't control herself and was too stupid to understand that she obviously didn't like her back.

"Are you guys coming?" Winn shouted. "It's getting late and we should head home if we don't want to get stuck in traffic."

Seeing this as a chance to avoid a conversation that would without a single doubt lead her to feel even more stupid than she already felt, Kara moved out of Lena's reach and she started closing the parasol. She set it under her arm and grabbed her backpack.

"Let's go," she said in a falsely enthusiastic tone. "Winn, you come with me, I'm gonna need your help to open the car. Meanwhile, you guys can pack everything." She sent Maggie and Alex a fake smile, trying not to see Lena's face which expressed too many emotions for Kara to grasp them all, the principal ones being confusion and distress. She turned around and started walking away.

As she was heading to her car, leaving the three girls behind, she didn't pay attention to what Winn was telling her. And her face started burning again because all she could feel was Lena's gaze locked on her.

Kara asked Alex to drive. The brunette sent her an interrogating look but the girl ignored it and she sat on the backseat, as far from Lena as she could. She had to stay away from her to compensate for taking advantage of their friendship to do something Lena didn't want to do. It was the least she could do.

She had invaded her privacy -her lips- without even asking her, for God's sake. And after what had just happened, Kara didn't doubt that she needed to keep her distance -especially physically- at least for a while. It was better for both of them, Kara was sure of it.

And she was also sure that it was what Lena also wanted but she was just too caring and kind to tell her friend how awkward this whole thing was. Kara knew it, it was what was supposed to happen and she intended to respect Lena's choice. Lena's choice, which was obviously to try to be nice but still keep her distance, because what else would she do?

Maybe if Kara gave her space for a little while, she wouldn't feel awkward with her anymore. It could eventually go back to normal if she managed to convince Lena that this stupid crush would go away easily. But Lena was obviously going to feel embarrassed at the beginning. So she had to stay away.

And Kara was feeling so ashamed that she couldn't even imagine there was a possibility that Lena didn't want that.

Her friend was already on the front seat when Kara abruptly asked her sister to take the wheel. The CEO looked over her shoulder and tried to get Kara to look at her in the eyes, but the blonde faked difficulties with her seatbelt to keep her head turned. It was better for both of them. After a short moment, Lena's face darkened with sad disappointment and she gave up, settling her head on her fist and absently looking through the window, wagging her leg in a nervous way.

During the ride back, where most of the talk was made by Alex, Winn, and Maggie, Kara sneakily set her gaze on Lena several times, trying to read her emotions on her hair and neck. Was she disgusted? Scared? Embarrassed? But Lena's back wasn't very helpful and each time Kara ended up feeling even more miserable than before. This woman had saved her life, offering her a chance to start over, and how was Kara thanking her? By assaulting her with a kiss that she should have saved for her pillow or her shower head.

But she couldn't lose her. Lena was too important in her life. _Give her space for a little while, maybe it will get better_.

They dropped Winn at his girlfriend's apartment and soon it was just Alex, Maggie, Kara and Lena in the car. The two older girls were chattering and bickering over what they would eat at dinner, Lena was tapping on her phone and Kara was playing a random video game she had downloaded. Making a ball fall down a labyrinth tower was probably all her brain allowed her to do right now. As she was about to reach the 280th level, a notification popped on her phone and distracted her enough to make her fail. Kara barely held back an annoyed grunt. Closing it distractedly, she restarted her game, and it took her about ten seconds to realize what she had just seen. Sliding her finger down the screen, she re-read what was written.

_Chess: LenaLuthOriginal has started a game with you! You have 48 hours to answer or the game will be canceled._

She blinked several times and lifted her head, sending her friend a quick glance. The woman was looking at her phone very attentively and didn't notice her. Setting her gaze back on the notification, Kara bit her lips and her thumb hovered on her screen. Maybe Lena didn't think it was awkward, and she didn't need to leave her space. Maybe it was fine, maybe she understood.

No, it wasn't possible. She had ruined it all.

Kara erased the notification and put her phone back in her bag.

They arrived down Lena's apartment a few minutes later and Alex parked the car in an empty spot right in front of her door. Lena collected her things and froze for a second.

"I guess I'll go, then," she said, "it was very nice."

_Except for the moment where Kara thought I liked her_ , the blonde completed in her head.

"Go get some rest, little Luthor," Maggie smirked, "you have a busy life."

Lena sent her a small smile and turned her head until she was right in Kara's field of view. The girl looked away in a rapid motion.

"Kara, do you want to go upstairs? We could order some food if you want." Lena's voice was meant to sound relaxed but Kara heard the pleading way she said _if you want._

Kara really wanted it. It was actually everything she wanted right now. To talk to Lena, explain to her what had happened. But she was going to embarrass her. _She's just trying to be nice, but deep down all she wants is that I leave her alone_. It was all Kara's fault and she could only blame herself. It was obvious.

"I'm... a little tired," she lied, "I think I'm going to head home. Another time!" Her fake enthusiastic tone was so fake that Kara was sure Maggie noticed, and she saw her raising an eyebrow. The simple fact that Kara was refusing to spend some time with Lena was suspicious at her friend's eyes, but Kara didn't really care. "I'll call you," she promised, even though she wasn't sure if she would be able to do it anytime soon.

Lena nodded slowly, trying to hide her disappointment behind a half-smile. She waved distractedly at the three of them and exited the vehicle. As Alex was starting the car, Kara followed Lena with her eyes until the girl disappeared behind the huge wooden door.

It was the right thing to do.

 

\---

 

The best way Lena could describe her emotions when Kara kissed her was conflicted. And confused. Funny how long those five seconds where Kara had her lips on hers were. She had the time to think about a lot of things.

The first thing that crossed her mind was _how can her lips be so soft_? It was true, being kissed by Kara was like being kissed by a Teddy Bear. No, not a Teddy Bear, that was a stupid thought, it wasn't furry or anything. Anyway, it was soft and gentle, and nice.

The second thing was _what am I doing_? She was being kissed by a girl. By Kara.

The third thing was _I can't do this_.

And there were many reasons why she couldn't do it. She knew she couldn't kiss Kara back but her mind was just so foggy that she was incapable of knowing exactly why. She just knew she had to stay still, and that was the only thing her brain was authorizing her to think. By the way, why was her mind so foggy? That usually never happened to Lena, she was almost certain it was the first time. But she wasn't sure either, because her mind was very, very, very foggy.

It was probably linked to the fact that Kara's lips were on hers.

Then Kara pulled back and that didn't help her clear her mind. She knew that she was staring and that her face had to look very confused because her friend couldn't even meet her gaze. She probably should have said something, but what was English again?

So she kept on staring, mostly because she wasn't sure there was anything else she could do. Her brain was just refusing to work. But the more she stared at Kara, the more embarrassed the girl looked and Lena started to think she really had to say something. And then Kara rambled about how it was nothing and she could just forget about it. So Lena stayed silent a little longer.

But it couldn't be nothing, right? It wasn't just an illusion? Otherwise, she wouldn't be so confused right now.

_She's really red_ , Lena thought, her eyes still locked on Kara's face. Was she turning red because she was embarrassed for kissing her? That was probably the case. _Come on Lena, say something constructive, make your mind work instead of staying silent like a vegetable_. She had to get Kara to listen to her, even though she had no idea what to say. She didn't even know if she would be able to say a single sentence. Maybe if she sounded reassuring enough, Kara would stop rambling and panicking. But the next thing she knew she was sitting on the front seat and Kara was letting her sister drive to avoid being next to her.

And that's probably when she started really understanding what that was all about. In a matter of seconds, every reason why she couldn't kiss Kara back popped in her mind, making way too much noise for it to be bearable.

There were a lot of reasons why she didn't kiss Kara back. Some were about herself, some were about her friend. They were good reasons, really good reasons, and Lena was certain not kissing Kara back had been a good decision. She didn't actually feel like she had made the decision herself, but whatever. But the girl wouldn't even look at her, so how were they supposed to communicate now?

And then Kara refused to come upstairs and order food. Lena knew she should have said something earlier because her friend looked like she was about to _liquefy_. But now, there she was, the wooden door closing behind her and Kara running away from her.

She shouldn't have left the car. She should have forced Kara to come so that they could talk. But everything was so abrupt that Lena didn't fight.

She climbed up the stairs, carrying her backpack with one hand and fumbling for her keys in her pocket with the other.  
When she walked into her quiet apartment, Lena stayed still for a few seconds, recalling the events of the day just to make sure it had actually happened. Because it sure looked like some kind of hallucination.

But each memory she had always seemed to lead to Kara kissing her and her... not doing anything. She sighed, dropped her bag on the floor and headed straight for the kitchen. Grabbing the first bottle of Scotch she found, Lena sat on the counter and slowly massaged her temples. She could feel a vague pain in her forehead, indicating her that she probably had a heat stroke, which made the whole drinking thing a little less clever, but Lena wanted the buzz in her head to increase just a bit. She took the first gulp and tilted her head back as the alcohol was burning her throat.

...

She woke up the next morning with a clearer head, another thing about Lena Luthor being that she was never hungover. She couldn't remember exactly what her dreams had been about, but she was pretty sure they included a blonde girl and a sunset. And probably a raven-haired girl who wasn't able to articulate a word.

She hastily took her breakfast, which mainly consisted of a cup of tea and a toast, while scrolling through her phone. She had several emails from shareholders and a text message from Sam saying that she _needed a picture of the shrimp_. As if she was going to take a selfie to show her sunburn. But nothing from Kara and the chess invitation was left unanswered. To be honest, she hadn't expected otherwise, seeing how the end of the day had gone. Kara was trying to push her away because she was embarrassed and Lena felt lost on every level.

So not a great situation.

Lena knew they clearly needed to talk about it and not just pretend it had never happened like Kara had tried to do the day before but she was still unsure of what she could say.

_Hey I have no idea what I feel and what I want and I really don't know what is good for the both of us, what about you?_

That was the best thing she could think of, but it was probably better than nothing. If there was something Lena was still sure about at that moment, it was that they needed to communicate and that Kara shouldn't be feeling like she had to shut her out. Opening her phone app, Lena started looking for her friend's name but stopped half-way. She had to see her if she really wanted to express her (very confused and conflicted) feelings, and a phone call was not the right way to do it.

She headed to L-Corp, determined to go to Cat Co as soon as she was done with her work. She would bring donuts and either force her way into Kara's office or lure her out of it with the smell of coffee, and if none of those techniques worked she would start considering kidnapping as a solution. In other words, she would get Kara to listen to her whatever it took, even if it meant rambling for half an hour to try to explain the reasons why this couldn't happen.

Six hours later the pile of paper she had to go through during the day was still too high for her liking and she had to skip lunch to avoid being late at her 2 pm meeting. Thankfully it was an interesting one where they didn't only talk about money and inflation but rather about what new project they would start working on. After the meeting ended, Lena went to L-Corp labs to supervise some highly important experiences -she was always thrilled to go there and actually _do_  science instead of selling it as her CEO position forced her to do for most of the time.

She ended up spending more hours than she thought there and went back to her office to finish the paperwork much later. When Lena was ready to leave it was already 7 pm and there was a chance that Kara would have already gone home. Hoping that for once destiny would be on her side, she got drinks and food from Noonan's and walked into Cat Co's tower. If Kara wasn't there, she would go straight to her apartment and break the door if necessary. As she was crossing Kara's floor, Lena ran into Winn who was spinning on his chair in a triumphant move. When he set his gaze on her a wide grin appeared on his face.

"Hi Lena," he greeted, turning off his computer. "What brings you to our modest place of work?"

She quirked an eyebrow. "I didn't know the boss had to justify her presence to her employee."

"Can I remind you that the employee saw the boss drowning several times?"

Lena rolled her eyes in an exaggerated motion. "No, you can't."

"Noted."

His eyes darted to the box full of donuts she was holding.

"It's for Kara," Lena warned, guessing what Winn was thinking about, even though she knew she would eventually give him one. But Winn frowned and sent Lena an interrogating look.

"Kara? She left an hour ago for Metropolis. Didn't she tell you?"

_Metropolis?_

Lena shook her head. "We didn't really have the chance to talk today."

"I thought she would tell you," Winn naively commented, shrugging. _So did I_. "But it was kind of a last-minute decision. Apparently, her cousin needed help with a story and she's going to spend a couple of days with him."

"Oh, okay," Lena said. She was trying not to sound too surprised but she was honestly lost. Kara had left town for a few days without telling her? That was... unexpected. For the first time, she felt anger starting to grow inside her towards the reporter. She couldn't do something so big and vanish the next day without a single word. Ok, maybe Lena hadn't been very clear about what had happened last evening, but leaving like that? Now she felt stupid with her donut box and her two coffees.

"So, can I have a one?" Winn asked, oblivious to her feelings. "Or are you planning on eating twelve donuts on your own?"

Lena smiled at that idea. "I was actually counting on Kara to eat most of them, but saying that she's not here I guess I could use some help."

She was about to sit next to Winn and start eating when she remembered there were people around and she was still the _big boss_.

"What about we go somewhere with fewer people around?" She suggested and Winn seemed to understand what she meant because he winked at her and got up.

"Don't want to lose your authority on all of your employees as it happened with me?"

"Did it?" Lena's eyebrow rose and she gave Winn a daring look. She didn't manage to stay serious for a very long time because Winn's face, which had switched from amused to worried was too ridiculously cute.

He and Kara had the power of making adorably funny faces -even though Kara's were more efficient with Lena. Her friend's face popped in her mind, followed by all the questions, the insecurities, and doubts Lena had gathered since the last night. But apparently the girl was in Metropolis right now, so it didn't matter, right? And maybe being mad at Kara for not telling her she was leaving was a great excuse to stop the unending flow of thoughts that flooded her mind each time she was thinking about _the kiss_. But Lena was pretty sure she deserved some rest and decided to think about something else for the rest of the evening.

They ended up crashing in Kara's office and playing video games on her desk computer (Winn had secretly installed several of his favourite games so that he could come and play during his coffee break without Kara's permission, because _you know it's not even her own computer she only uses her laptop and doesn't have anything on this one and she wouldn't mind if she knew but can you still keep it a secret_ ).

Just like Kara was a great chess opponent, Winn knew his way with virtual Bazookas and soon two hours had passed.

It was funny how Lena was trying to get Kara out of her head by literally sitting in _her_ chair in _her_ office. And the room even smelled like her, Lena would recognize her perfume from a mile away, and nope, she definitely shouldn't be thinking about that.

Blowing up zombies was a very distracting activity and when the clock hit 9 pm, not only were her thoughts way more organized than before, but she had also learned a lot about Winn, and this guy was really intelligent. While they were playing some FPS he had bought, they talked about computer stuff, from artificial intelligence to 3D printing and Lena even mentioned some projects she had that hadn't been announced yet -clarifying that if Winn mentioned them to anyone she would make sure his life turned into an apocalyptic video game.

_He could be very helpful at L-Corp_ , Lena thought, promising herself that she would find the time to get him a job in the IT department because he was way more competent than half of the team and his potential was clearly under-exploited.

Lena was slaughtering the most powerful zombie of the level, a particularly disgusting and violent one when she heard the door opening. Focused on the screen, she didn't lift her head until Winn let out a noise that sounded like a gulp mixed with a cough and ended up choking on his donut. Intrigued, Lena set her gaze on the newcomer and her surprise face gave way to a wide smile.

"Lex!"

She set the controller on the desk and walked straight into her brother's opened arms. "What are you doing here?"

They hugged tightly for a few seconds until Lena pulled back. He returned her smile and straightened his tie. _Always elegant_. All of a sudden she felt very self-conscious of her own appearance -she was still in work clothes but she had gamer headphones on her head, she had removed her heels and was walking barefoot.

"I thought you would be at your office, but when I got there Eve told me you had left for Cat Co. I didn't know whether you would still be there, but you know how much I _love_ taking risks." His gaze circled the room and she saw him repress a chuckle. "I see that I wasn't mistaking, although I must admit that I didn't think I'd find you like that." His tone was teasing but not the slightest judgmental. He was just doing his older-brother show to annoy her.

"I do have a life outside of meetings with the board," she sighed.

Lex nodded slowly. "I can see that," he smirked. His gaze set on Winn who had swallowed the donut he had in his mouth and was now idling awkwardly behind Lena. He offered him a polite smile. "I don't think we've been introduced."

"This is Winn Shott," Lena said and the two men exchanged a handshake. "He works in IT at Cat Co and he's a computer genius."

Lex gave him a bigger smile. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Shott. I'm Lex Luthor, Lena's brother. You must indeed be quite a genius if you impressed my sister, she's not too bad herself." Lena gently slapped his shoulder and Winn became red.

"I just love computers," he said, shrugging even though Lena could see the compliment was really getting to him.

"So the three of us have something in common, then."

Lex was always so... at ease all the time, sending everyone big charming smiles and acting like he didn't know that the word _shy_  existed. Lena knew he had developed this skill in order to be a good businessman but it had made him a very charismatic person in his everyday life.

Her brother turned to face Winn once again and slid his arm on Lena's waist. Kara had done that a few times and Lena really should have realized it wasn't just friendly. But that would have meant noticing that for no apparent reason Lena actually liked it even though it was the kind of thing only her brother was authorized to do. But whatever.

"Mind if I borrow her for a second?" Lex asked looking at Winn.

Lena scoffed and sent him an annoyed look. "Shouldn't you be asking me?"

"You're right, I apologize," he said, sounding more amused than sorry. "Lena, is talking to your brother for five minutes okay or have I become too boring and old fashioned?"

Lena sighed and the two men exchanged another polite handshake before Lex guided her out of the room. When they were in the corridor he removed his arm and got four tickets out of the pocket of his shirt.

"That's why I'm here," he declared, waving the tickets in front of Lena's head. "I'm in town for three days for business and I have some free time before my plane leaves on Thursday, so I thought I would bring you somewhere if you're free. You wouldn’t miss the opportunity to spend some quality time with your brother, would you?"

"It depends," she teased, "what kind of _somewhere_  are we talking about?"

They reached the end of the corridor and Lex dragged her on the balcony. "I have two propositions, depending on your mood." He extended one hand and Lena grabbed the two tickets he was handing her. "First, an art exhibition that is said to be amazing." He gave Lena the other tickets and she couldn't repress a chuckle when she read what was written on it. "Second, a field hockey competition because I never took you to one even though I promised you I would."

"God, Lex, that was ages ago," she chuckled, a warm feeling spreading through her at the memory of her seventeen-year-old brother swearing that they would go see one of those competitions together just because their mother had refused to take Lena to one. It was not classy enough for a Luthor in Lillian's opinion

"Are you still interested?" he asked, his mouth curving into a smile.

Lena internally debated for a second. She loved art and normally she would go for the exhibition. But she really needed to decompress and a field hockey competition didn't sound too stressful. Plus, she didn't have to be afraid to run into somebody who would try to do business with her between two statues -it had already happened three times, and it was exhausting.

"Field hockey sounds good," she said, keeping one ticket and giving the others back to Lex. She gazed at the view, it was a beautiful night and everybody in National City except for Lena seemed to have nothing on his mind. "I’ll clear my schedule on Thursday afternoon, I needed some time off anyway." She didn’t think her voice would come out so drained, but she couldn’t help but notice how tired she sounded. Lex seemed to notice it too because he gently cupped her face until they were facing each other. His smile had faded, giving way to a slightly concerned expression.

"You know you can talk to me, right? About everything." His voice was soothing and Lena comfortably slipped into the feeling that she could open up about all of this to her brother. Usually, she would have gone to Kara or Sam, but the former was the reason why she was so confused and the latter had other things to worry about, like her mother’s health which was getting worse with each passing day. To know that her brother was here if Lena needed to talk about what was preoccupying her warmed her heart and she gave him a half-smile.

"I know that, thank you." Maybe she would mention it on Thursday, but right now she wanted to think about something else. And Kara wasn’t coming back soon so that gave her time to deal with every worry she had. There was no way they were going to have that conversation on the phone, especially if Kara was god knows where hanging out with her cousin and fully immersed in the writing of an article. They would sit down somewhere calm and they would talk.

At least that was what Lena hoped would happen because she would not survive another awkward moment where Kara was desperately trying to fill the silence while Lena was struggling to get words to come out of her mouth. And maybe talking to her brother would help her make sense of everything.

"There are just a lot of things going on lately, and listening to your comments on field hockey is probably the best thing I need."

"Good," Lex said."You don't take enough vacations."

"If mom heard you," Lena murmured and her brother shrugged. "And I actually went to the beach yesterday, so I think I've never taken _that_  much vacations in my whole life."

"You're compensating for every time Sam had to drag you out of your office at three in the morning," he stated, and Lena had to agree with him. Lex's expression turned into a surprised one and he put his finger on Lena's chest. "By the way, you went to the beach?"

"Sounds crazy, right?"

The man nodded in agreement. "Did someone kidnap you or something?"

"More like emotional blackmail," Lena sighed and she saw that Lex was at the same time amused and intrigued but he didn't ask anything.

He gently patted her shoulder. "So it's settled, then, I’ll pick you up at L-Corp on Thursday."

...

During the three days that followed her brother's arrival, Lena was flooded with work and she didn't have a minute to think about Kara and the kiss they had almost shared. She hadn't forgotten about it -at all- but she was storing it in the back of her mind to manage to stay focused more than five minutes and avoid slipping into random daydreams about beaches and sunsets and kisses. When Thursday afternoon arrived, Lena was drowning under paperwork and Lex found her mechanically building paper planes with the draft versions of the contract she was writing.

Lena sent the one she had just finished straight at her brother's head and he dodged it in an exaggerated move, making her laugh for the first time since she had seen him and Winn.

"Do you have some kind of vendetta against me?" he asked, sitting on the edge of Lena's desk, which was the only space that wasn't covered of paper.

She sighed deeply and got up from her chair, throwing her other paper planes into the bin and grabbing her purse. "It's more like a general vendetta, actually. Against the whole world"

Lex locked their arms together and set a quick kiss on the top of her head. "Come on, let's get you out of this office." He gave her a gentle smile. "You look lovely today."

They went straight to the competition, and Lena ended up not even looking at the field but rather at Lex who was commenting the whole game with a falsely professional tone. It was entertaining and diverting, and it was exactly what she needed. She knew nothing about this sport and had no idea which team to support, but Lex had apparently checked the Wikipedia pages on field hockey and he was whispering her funny anecdotes about its history, occasionally clapping whenever someone did something that looked good.

The green team won, Lena cheered and clapped with everyone.

After the game, Lex brought her to a nice little bar near the airport. It was almost empty, old music was playing in the background and it didn't look like the kind of place Lex would have picked.

"This bar is very different from the ones you usually go to," Lena commented after ordering a soda.

Lex lifted his gaze from the menu. "Is it really?"

"Well, it's the kind of bar I like going to," Lena smirked, "so it has to be different."

"Touché."

The waiter brought Lena her drink and Lex ordered a pineapple cocktail. He looked so professional, as if he was doing some kind of important transaction even though he was really just asking for a drink. But that professional mask fell off each time they were together, and Lena felt like she had her big brother back. It was kind of the same thing that happened with Kara, but this time Lena was the professional one.

"Did you pick this bar because you wanted me to feel more at ease so that I could talk to you?" Lena asked as she remembered the concerned look her brother had had a few days ago when he had surprised her a Cat Co.

Lex took a sip of his coffee and locked his eyes on Lena's. "I did want you to feel more at ease, but the talking part is all your decision."

"That's kind," Lena said, a smile appearing on her lips. "There is indeed something I'd like to have your opinion on. But first, tell me a little bit more about what you've been doing these days. I didn't read a lot about you in the newspaper, not even some stupid gossip on your dating life. Not that I'm interested in that kind of article." Lex rose one eyebrow in a falsely offended way and Lena rolled her eyes at him. "You know what I mean, each time they show a picture of a different girl and I like those stories better when you tell them anyway."

"Well, nothing major happened in my dating world. I had a few flings, but that's all. Nothing serious." He probably noticed the knowing expression Lena had on her face because he gave her a half annoyed look. "Come on, at least pretend to be surprised."

Lena ignored his pleading. "And what about work?"

She had the intuition that her brother was working on something important and by the look on his face, Lena understood she wasn't wrong.

"I'm working on..." he stopped for a few seconds and searched for the good words. "... an idea Mother had some time ago. It's a new technology, and it is related to computers. I think it will prove to be very useful."

A secret project? That was new. "You can't tell me more about it?" she asked, frowning at the idea that her brother was not willing to share that with her. Lex gave her an apologetic look and shook his head.

"I really can't tell you more, I signed legal documents that forbid me to talk about it to anyone. Mother is being very secretive about all of this, I'm sorry."

Whatever she did, Lillian always found the way to exclude Lena, even if she had to make her brother sign stupid contracts. But she didn't really care, she was used to that kind of behavior and she knew Lex was just respecting the closes of a contract like the good businessman he was.

"It's okay, I understand." She gave him a genuine smile but he still looked bothered by the whole thing.

"I think it's stupid she's not asking for your help, things would get done three times faster."

"Really, Lex, it's okay," she reassured him. "I know you'd tell me if you could and I'm not going to blame you for something like that. You work with whoever you want, you don't owe me any explanation especially if you signed non-disclosures agreements."

Lex took her hand and squeezed it lightly. "Thank you for understanding. I really wished I could tell you more." He drank a little bit of his cocktail before setting the glass back on the table. "But I can tell you that it's a very important project and that Mother named it Cadmus."

_Cadmus_. That was typical Lillian. She just had to name everything after some epic Greek warrior.

"I'm sure it's going to turn out great," she assured, and she really meant it. Her brother rarely failed in anything. He gave her a wide smile.

"So what about you? Is everything okay? Again, if you'd rather not talk about it, the choice is yours."

Lena bit her lower lip as she internally wondered how to bring it up.

"I think I need your opinion on something. " Lex was looking at her very intensely and Lena started thinking that maybe everything would be clearer after this conversation. "It's about feelings."

She took another sip of soda as Lex was staying silent. "One of my friends kissed me the other day. And... it was confusing. I kind of froze and we haven't really talked since then."

"What's his name?" Lex asked, looking more and more interested and rapidly switching into big brother mode. He was playing with his straw and Lena started doing the same just to keep her hands busy.

"Well, one thing that is confusing is that..." Should she really say it? It was kind of a big thing. But she couldn't go back now anyway. "... it's not _his_  but _her_. Her name is Kara."

Lex made an _oooh_  and Lena was reassured to see no trace of disappointment on her brother's face. "That's a pretty name," he said, and the smile he had confirmed her that she didn't have to fear any form of judgment form him. "And the confusing thing is that it's the first time you're having a crush on a girl?"

A crush? Was it a crush?

Lena put her head in her hands and sighed deeply. "I don't even know what my feelings for her are. Everything's so complicated, and I can't seem to figure things out, the more I think about it the more I get confused."

"Why?" Lex's voice was gentle and patient, like when he used to comfort her when she was a little girl.

"I... I don't know. I don't even know whether I like girls or not. It's new, you know? I never even thought about it before."

"The most important thing is not the fact that you like girls in general," he said. "It's about Kara and what your feelings for her are. You can deal with the general part when you're ready."

"But that still means a lot about my life, and who I am," she argued, more to convince herself than her brother -who didn't look convinced at all. "It means I'm not straight and..."

"No one is asking you to label yourself, Lena. At least I'm pretty sure Kara is not."

Of course, she wasn't. She would never ask her something like that

Lex met her gaze and approached his head. "Why don't you tell me how you feel when you're around her? What you think about when you stare at her. Maybe it will allow you to take a step back and give all of this a fresh look."

What did Lena feel when she was staring at Kara's deep blue eyes?

"It's... special whenever I'm around her. We have only known each other for a couple of months but I feel like she... understands. That sounded a lot like a cliche, didn't it?" she commented, laughing softly. But it was the best way she could describe their friendship... or whatever it was they had. "The first time I looked at her I started caring for her instantly, and I can assure you that it never happens with me. Two days after we met I was already feeling like I could talk to her, you know? And besides, she's kind, smart an thoughtful. Before LCIC she brought me this  _huge_ bag of sweets to try to make me less anxious, and the worst thing is that it worked. And whenever she wants to thank you for something she starts giving you all of this love and it's almost overwhelming. It's... so comfortable to be with her."

Lex gave her a smile and realization dawned on Lena's face. It had been pretty obvious from the beginning, hadn't it? _Oh god._

"And she's also really pretty," she added, because now that she had started admitting why would she stop? "Last time we went to the beach and I couldn't stop staring at her." She let out a bitter laugh. "I know I should have noticed that it's not what I usually do with girls, but it's like my mind was blocking everything."

Lex gave her a soft smile.

"I guess I like her," she conceded. "But she left for Metropolis right after what happened without even telling me. And she didn't let me talk to her, I couldn't explain why I hadn't kissed her back! She shut down completely. I don't understand, we've been so close the last couple of months and we talked about everything, and all of a sudden she panics and disappears. It was like she forgot about our friendship."

Lex thought for a few seconds. "After she kissed you, what was your reaction?"

"I told you, I froze," she repeated, lowering her gaze.

"And you didn't say anything?"

"I... No, I didn't. Not immediately after. But then I tried to, and she just wouldn't listen to me. She didn't even sit next to me in the car." Lex was nodding as if he understood but Lena felt anger growing back inside her. "So what was I supposed to do?" she asked him, her voice sounding annoyed and tired. "I was trying to talk to her, but I was... I was confused. I must admit I didn't ace the whole communication part, but it was surprising and... scary."

Lex set a hand on hers. "What was so scary about this kiss? The fact that it was Kara or that it was a girl in general?"

Lena sighed, massaging her temple to try to get rid of the headache that started to develop in her forehead. "Both, I guess."

"Would you want to tell me why?"

She hesitated for a second before deciding she would just be honest and hope it would help her bring some clarity to this situation. "I don't want to be different once again."

Sadness clouded Lex's face. "Once again?" He asked, frowning.

"I was adopted Lex, in case you didn't notice. My whole childhood I tried to be accepted in our family. And you and Father always helped me feel like I belonged. But Lillian..."

Lillian always gave her the impression that she was not doing what was expected of her, that she wasn't a Luthor and would never be one. She was never good enough.

"Remember the play we made with my school in fifth grade? You couldn't come because Father brought you to some business meeting, so Lillian was the only one there." Lex nodded and Lena tried to ignore the way her eyes were starting to feel hot because she refused to feel hurt after all these years. "I had the leading role and I worked so hard because I wanted Mother to be proud of me. So naive of me." Lena laughed bitterly. "When the spectacle ended everyone was clapping, and I searched for Lillian in the audience. I wanted to see whether she had liked it or not, and to be honest, I thought she would. And there she was, staring at me with that severe look she gave me each time she was disappointed. She was the only one who wasn't clapping."

It was the first time Lena was telling this to her brother. Even though it had happened ages ago, Lex's eyes were full of compassion and sadness. "I hated myself for weeks after that. One of my friend's father had filmed the play and I spent hours watching it over and over just to see what I had done wrong."

"You never told me," Lex murmured.

"I didn't want you to be disappointed too."

Lex shook his head. "I wouldn't have been. Ever"

"I know," Lena said, giving her brother a sad smile. "And now I also know I hadn't done anything wrong. I wasn't what she wanted me to be and I could never be, not because I wasn't good enough but because she just didn't _love_  me. I was the adopted girl who was the proof her husband had cheated on her."

Lena didn't feel like crying anymore, those were facts she had learned to accept a long time ago. It didn't make her less angry at her mother for making her feel that way but her need for being what her mother wanted her to be had vanished during her teen years.

"And now most of the time I don't care about what she thinks, about what people think in general. People talk about me in the media, some say nice things and others are being mean, I don't care. I learned to ignore the opinions of the ones who aren't close to me -emotionally, I mean. But I guess sometimes everything kind of... rushes back. And for a lot of people, including Lillian, liking girls means being unconventional, it means being strange, unadapted. And weak. And when I think about it now, it doesn't feel like a big deal, she can think whatever she wants. But when Kara kissed me I... was stuck." Lena shrugged. "As if my brain was refusing to see that I wasn't a little girl who needed her mother to accept her anymore, that I didn't need to live up to her expectations. It's stupid, I shouldn't have felt this way."

"So that's why you didn't react when she kissed you?"

Lena nodded. "That, plus the fact that I was completely oblivious and that I was surprised."

"And what would you do if she was there and she was about to kiss you. Now that everything is a little bit less confused and you're not feeling _stuck_  anymore?" he asked, cocking his head to the side.

If Kara was looking at her right now, with her profound blue eyes wide open? If she was leaning in once again, if their lips were almost touching?

"I wouldn't let her do it," Lena stated, her mouth set in a hard line.

She wouldn't.

Because there was another reason why she had forbidden herself to kiss Kara. "What I said before was about me," Lena said. "But there are other things. Things about _her_  that make it impossible."

Lex didn't ask anything but she could feel curiosity in his gaze. Lena didn't know whether she should talk about this or not. But it was her brother, she trusted him and she wouldn't give any detail anyway.

"She's been through a lot recently. I've helped her deal with things, at least I tried to. And I can feel it's getting better, she's not in a dark place like a few months ago. But she's still struggling a lot, way too much for her to be truly happy. And..."

She sighed and shook her head.

"I know she's not trying to take advantage of me in order to feel better. At least not consciously. But most of the time she acts like everything is fine, as if she didn't want to bother the rest of the world with her problems, and I'm afraid she is thinking all of them are going to simply disappear if she throws herself in a relationship. With me. So we just can't be together if she's not in the right place to know what's really good for her. She can't bet her happiness on... me. It's not a healthy way to cope."

Finishing her drink, Lena started mechanically smashing the little pieces of ice which had stayed on the bottom of the glass with her straw.

"I can't solve all of her problems!" she lamented, keeping her gaze on the table. "I wished I could, and I try to help her as I can but it's not magic. And if we start dating it's not going to make everything perfect in an instant."

It felt good to get everything out. Now that she had put words on the feelings she had kept inside for several days her brain wasn't fuzzy anymore.

"God, I wished it could work," she whispered almost to herself. "But it's impossible. We can’t be a thing. I like her, I really like her and I would have realized it sooner if I hadn't been so scared. But I can't have feelings for her, it's like... it's like I'm abusing her."

Lex shook her head and a line appeared between his brows. Lena watched his face being clouded by worry, and she started wishing she could make it relaxed again, but she had to get it out of her mind.

"She keeps telling me that I'm saving her but if I agree on this, I'm taking advantage of her weakness! She trusts me and I can’t get her to believe that I’m the magic answer. So I'm going to talk to her and get her to understand that… it’s just not what should happen. Even if it hurts both of us."

Lex didn't look like a businessman anymore. He was staying silent and he had a serious look on his face, but it was one Lena only saw whenever they were talking about personal stuff and not money and investments.

"Can I give you my opinion?" He said, breaking the silence they had slipped into for a moment.

"Go ahead."

He set his elbows on the table. "I may be wrong because I’m an external judge and I probably don’t have all the elements," he warned in a soft voice.

"It’s okay," Lena smiled, "if you’re wrong I will have the pleasure to tear your arguments apart one by one."

Lex glanced up to the ceiling in annoyance. "I’m not sure I want to share anymore."

The CEO made a _hugh_  and Lex winked at her before his face turned serious again.

"I think you're right, Lena," he said, holding her gaze gravely. "It's normal that you're worried she's trying to forget about her problems by focusing on her feelings for you." Lena was about to say she knew it but Lex wasn't done. "But I think both of you are making a mistake -the same mistake, actually, but for different reasons."

Lena frowned, feeling confused. "What do you mean?"

Lex narrowed his eyes like he always did when he was trying to express himself as clearly as possible.

"You're both making decisions for the other one," he finally declared. "Kara is obviously sure she made a mistake because you didn't kiss her back and she's pushing you away to protect herself. She's not letting you talk to her because she *decided* it would be better this way, so she leaves for Metropolis without telling you even though she should listen to what you have to say. She's making this decision alone when you guys should have been able to talk."

Lena already knew that too, she was waiting for the other part to come.

"You, on the other hand," he continued, "are worried she's trying to avoid her problems and you're deciding that you can't be together because Kara doesn't know what's good for her, even though it looks like you both have feelings for each other. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should start dating now, you are the only ones who can really judge it. But the two of you haven't even talked yet and you already made up your mind about the whole thing. You make it sound like something that could _never_ happen. You’re not her therapist, having feelings for her isn't an abuse. It's really not. You're the most respectful person I know, Lena."

His gaze was fixed on Lena's face and the girl shrugged. It still felt like she couldn't feel this towards Kara.

"And if you think it's not the right time yet you should tell her, but you have to stop blaming yourself for liking her. If something ever happens between the two of you, I know it will be because you feel like you're both ready for this."

Lena thought for a few seconds. Maybe her brother was right, she didn't have to take a lifetime decision.

"You're a smartass, Lee," he added, winking at her with that half-amused half-proud look he always gave her whenever she wasn't feeling confident enough. "You'll figure it out."

...

"So Kara's back in town."

Lena lifted her head and emerged from the card boxes that were sprayed on her desk.

"How do you know?" she asked, cutting the tape that kept the box closed with a knife.

Sam did the same with another one and started taking polystyrene out of it. "I've got a group chat with Alex and Maggie."

"You do?" Lena lifted an eyebrow and a bit of polystyrene hit her head just as she was turning to face Sam. "You'll have to stop randomly throwing things at me, Sam, I didn't even _say_ anything."

The brunette waggled her eyebrows and they both started opening the boxes once again. The seven prototypes of their new drones had just arrived and they were supposed to check each of them before they started the production. Lena's brother had left the night before and the CEO was catching up with what she had missed during the afternoon.

Sam got the first drone out and examined it in every angle. "That thing looks terrific," she said, playing with the propellers. It was the best model they had ever released and Lena had designed it herself during the short time where she didn't have to do CEO stuff.

"Let's hope it flies," she joked even though it had already been tested multiple times.

"Fingers crossed."

They kept on unpacking in silence and Lena could feel that Sam was keeping herself from asking a question that seemed to disturb her.

"Did you guys have a fight?" Sam finally asked, setting her knife on one of the boxes and sitting on the desk.

"What do you mean?" Lena murmured, even though she knew exactly what Sam meant. She kept her head bowed on the box she was opening.

"Kara and you. Did you have a fight or something?"

Lena finally looked at Sam who was balancing her legs. "What makes you think that?"

Sam shrugged. "Kara came back around 11 am and it's..." She checked the time on her watch. "...6 pm and you still haven't seen each other."

"Was I supposed to wait for her in front of her door?" she joked. Even for Sam, the way Kara and Lena acted with each other since they went to the beach looked suspicious, and Lena didn't know whether she should be sad or happy that it was not going unnoticed.

"You guys have been literally glued to each other for the last months. And Winn mentioned that she hadn't told you she was leaving."

There was definitely too much communication in this group of friends.

"We didn't have a fight, and I actually intend to go see her tonight when we'll be done with all of this." Lena pointed at the boxes that were left unopened. "Now let's get to work otherwise you will miss the movie Ruby wanted to watch."

Sam sighed exaggeratedly. "Yeah, I _cannot_ wait to see Karate Kid 2 for the fifth time." There was a smile in her voice and Lena knew she would watch it again if her daughter wanted to.

They were almost done when Lena's phone started ringing. The woman set the drone she was checking on her desk and started to look for her phone. It was in her bag and Lena fumbled a little while before finally finding it. But just as she was grabbing it the buzzing stopped and Lena didn't have the time to answer.

"Come on," Lena mumbled, turning it on to see who had called her.

_Come on._

 

\---

 

Kara dropped headfirst on her couch. She was exhausted and her whole body felt drained. She hadn't slept in forty hours, Clark and she had spent the last few days searching the entire city for a lead, and when they had finally found one in some kind of weird bar they had stayed up all night to interview the right people and write their article. It would be printed in the Daily Planet the next day and the information they had gathered on the burglaries in Metropolis would hopefully help to put an end to this crime wave. But despite how exhausting it had been Kara had enjoyed every second of the past few days and it had allowed her to completely clear her mind.

When she woke up from her nap, which had been more like a fake-night because she had slept the whole afternoon, Kara started contemplating the idea of calling Lena. The main reason was that she wanted to apologize for leaving without telling her. She had intentionally ran away without thinking that it could hurt her friend, and she had to make up for that, if Lena let her do it. And a part of her wanted to hear Lena's voice to figure out whether there was a chance she still wanted them to be friends or if she preferred to keep her distance.

She was still very embarrassed by the whole thing. It was not as bad as Sunday evening, but if her trip had brought some clarity to her thoughts, she was still very sure kissing Lena had been a big mistake. And then leaving without calling had been a pretty big one too, so that was why she needed to at least try to call her. She had almost done it during her time in Metropolis when she had received another notification from her chess app, telling her the 48 hours were over and the game with Lena had been canceled. But she had been too afraid of Lena's reaction and had abandoned that idea.

Kara clicked on Lena's number and put her phone next to her ear. It rang a few times and she let out a frustrated grunt when she was sent to voicemail. She deserved it. She deserved her friend to ignore her calls because she had acted in a selfish way when all Lena had done since they had met was being selfless and caring.

She definitely didn't deserve Lena to call her back but it was surprisingly what happened a few seconds later. Kara almost dropped her phone and her hands were trembling when she pressed the green button.

" _Kara, hi._ "

It felt good to hear Lena. Kara didn't realize how much she had missed her until the moment where her voice resonated at the other end of the phone. To her relief, it was not particularly cold or distant. Lena's voice sounded pretty normal as if nothing had happened and they weren't talking for the first time in days. That meant Kara might have a chance to apologize, and she intended to use it. She should have prepared something to say because she could feel that she was going to ramble. Oh yes, she was going to ramble.

"Lena I'm so sorry for leaving without telling you, it was stupid and childish and I'm not trying to justify myself I should have been a better friend -a friend, just a friend would have also been fine but anyway- and you're probably mad at me I understand I just want to say I'm sorry..."

" _Kara, wait a second._ "

The girl stopped in a heartbeat, holding her breath and waiting for the final judgment to come.

" _I do think we need to talk, but I'd rather not do it on the phone._ "

Kara let out a relieved sigh that she hoped couldn't be heard at the other end of the phone. If Lena was willing to see her it meant she didn't hate her. Maybe Kara hadn't ruined it all.

" _I really need you to listen to me, Kara,_ " Lena added and the reporter wished she could remove the tiredness in her friend's voice. " _You can't shut me out the way you did._ "

"I know, I'm sorry," Kara mumbled, "I did something stupid and then I didn't face the consequences..."

" _Please, let's just meet somewhere tonight and talk,_ " Lena interrupted. " _Can I stop at your apartment? I'm not completely done with my work but I could come in an hour._ "

"Absolutely," Kara answered immediately, at the same time hopeful and anxious at the idea of seeing Lena and listening to what she had to say.

" _Great. I'll see you in an hour, then_."

"Drive safe," Kara couldn't keep herself from adding and she heard a smile in Lena's voice.

" _I'll walk there, don't worry. I need to go, now._ "

Kara murmured a _goodbye_  and Lena hung up. That had gone pretty well. Now that she wasn't blinded by shame as she had been at the beach Kara could see that Lena wasn't going to reject her. The thing she was most worried about was that she had hurt Lena's feelings when she had left. Kara had disappointed herself when she had taken the decision to go to Metropolis without informing her friend. She had promised herself she would stop trying to forget about her problems and face reality, and she was doing a pretty good job at accepting the fact that she had things to work on when it came to her mental health. But she had been unable to deal with this situation. Kara chased that thought away: right now it was about making Lena understand how sorry she was.

She paced up and down for fifteen minutes before deciding she would watch a movie until Lena arrived. She opened Netflix and put on the first film that was in her recommendation, not even reading the title. She watched it for half an hour before realizing she wasn't following the action and she didn't even know who was who. She turned the TV off and settled for simply waiting. Lena would be here in less than fifteen minutes, she could survive. Kara lied on her couch and stared at the ceiling.

Thirty minutes later Kara was still staring at the ceiling, sometimes glancing quickly at the clock that indicated her Lena should have arrived fifteen minutes ago. She was probably just late. Maybe her bus was late. No, she was walking there. Maybe she was just caught up in work.

She stared at the ceiling for twenty more minutes before deciding she would call her again. But there was no answer and Kara almost threw her phone on the floor.

An hour later Kara was sure Lena wasn't coming. She had probably realized she didn't actually want to talk to her, that Kara didn't deserve this friendship and that it would be better if she just didn't show up. And Kara couldn't blame her, she was the one who had started all this even though they had been perfectly fine before that. She thought of calling Sam to ask her if Lena had mentioned something to her but decided against it. If Lena didn't want to talk to her, it was her choice. Kara _had_ messed things up.

Kara ate a yogurt that she had forgotten in her fridge and went to bed, feeling like she would throw up any other food that would enter her system. She lied on her back in the dark, and when her eyes got used to the absence of light she started staring at the ceiling again. It was quickly becoming her new hobby.

When her phone started buzzing next to her, Kara realized she had fallen asleep. It was two in the morning and for a second she hoped it would be Lena, telling her that she had had an emergency at work or something like that. But Maggie's face lit up the screen and her optimism faded in an instant. Why was Maggie calling her at two in the morning? Now Kara was sure she wouldn't manage to fall back asleep. She sleepily rubbed her eyes and grabbed the phone. She begrudgingly picked up, falling back on her pillow.

"What the fuck, Maggie," she murmured, her voice hoarse and not so welcoming. She was usually more friendly but she had had a crappy evening and it was _two in the morning_ , goddamnit.

" _Kara, hey. I'm sorry if I'm waking you up but there's something I need to tell you._ " Maybe Kara should have noticed Maggie's voice was very serious, but she was still half asleep and her brain was working in slow motion.

She let out an annoyed groan. Sometimes she just hated Maggie. "It's two in the morning and you need to tell me something?"

Kara probably sounded very much asleep because she heard a sigh on the other end of the phone. "I need you to be fully awake right now, Kara."

Those words worked like a trigger and Kara felt her brain starting to switch on. "I am, Maggie. What is it you want to tell me?"

"You should sit down," Maggie warned and Kara started feeling a little worried.

"I'm in my bed, so I'm literally lying down right now. You're scaring me, what is going on? Is Alex okay?"

"Alex's fine, don't worry," Maggie replied. She had her cop voice, the one Kara only heard when she saw her when she was on duty.

"But?"

There was something off. The more Kara was waking up the more it occurred to her that Maggie wouldn't be calling this late if something serious hadn't happened. Maggie stayed silent for a few seconds and Kara felt frustration and anxiety spread through her.

"What's going on, Maggie?" she asked again, her voice wavering a little. Everything was fine. Everything was fine.

"It's Lena," Maggie murmured and Kara felt the air being sucked out of her lungs. "Something happened."

Kara heard the words _hospital_ , _mugged_  and _hurt_ and barely took the time to put on shoes before bolting out of her apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two cliffhangers in a row? I'm turning into a Disney villain.
> 
> Also apparently my chapters are 13000 words long now ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it, thanks to everyone who reads, comments and leaves kudos :) 
> 
> ok bye now


	9. cause we both know how this ends

She wasn't paying a lot of attention to her surroundings. Lena knew the way to Kara's apartment, she had already walked there from L-Corp, sometimes for game night or simply to hang out with her friend after work. It wasn't an excessively long walk and she could easily let her mind wander around while her feet were taking care of the whole _moving_  thing. She was preparing herself for what was going to happen, trying to find nice sentences to express her feelings even though she knew she would forget them as soon as she would step foot in Kara's apartment.

Now that Kara was willing to listen to her, she needed to say everything she had to say. She was thankful her brother had been here to give her advice, everything looked limpid in her head and she wasn't feeling guilty anymore. Lena wasn't abusing Kara by having feelings for her, and even though that didn't mean it was good to start anything right now she felt like doors had been opened. 

Lena wasn't particularly anxious for the moment.  

The girl wasn't late, if her calculations were correct she would arrive exactly on time if she kept a rapid pace. The weather was perfect for a walk in town, the lights of the day were slowly disappearing behind the buildings and the sky was getting darker as the minutes passed. 

The atmosphere kind of reminded her of the day she met Kara. She was doing the same thing, walking to clear her mind. It was still upsetting to think about, the idea of her friend trying to take her own life again was sometimes hovering in Lena's mind and it was always followed by the feeling that she was useless. Lena hoped everything she did was enough, but what if it wasn't? She didn't want Kara to feel like that ever again, she wanted her to be surrounded by people who loved her and took care of her. She deserved it.

She was chasing away the thought of Kara's suicide attempt when she heard rushed footsteps behind her. Lena had been the only one walking in the small street, which was basically a shortcut to Kara's apartment, and she felt herself tensing just a little.

"Excuse me, Miss!"

Now was a bad time, why couldn't people look at their _f_ _reaking phone_  if they needed to find something? Lena sighed but some part of her was intrigued. The voice was low and cold, very different from the ones people usually used to talk to strangers. Lena turned her head but kept on walking. It was a tall man, dressed in sports clothes and carrying a shopping bag, who was probably in his late thirties. He jogged towards her and slowed down as he reached her, and Lena sent him a polite smile and coked her head to the side. He smelled like sweat and cigarette and Lena barely repressed a disgusted face. 

"You look very hot," he told her out of the blue, his eyes rapidly scanning her body.

Oh _come on_. She really wasn't in the mood for such an encounter. Screw that guy, why couldn't he just go watch some porn instead of trying to hit on girls in the street?

Lena uncomfortably shrugged. It was not the first time it was happening, not the last time either sadly, and she had learned that the best way she could get out of an unpleasant situation like this one was to simply shrug it off. He was probably just a guy with too much testosterone who needed his daily dose of polite but firm rejection. Lena was more than decided to give it to him.

The lack of response seemed to intrigue and annoy the man. He was walking next to her, adapting to her speed and Lena was trying as hard as she could not to shout him to shut up and leave her be.

"I was just wondering," he added, and Lena expected him to ask if she wanted to give him her number or grab a drink in a crappy bar with him. The answer was NO to whatever question he was going to ask, he could go drink his cheap beer on his ow...

"Why are you wearing such a tight-fitting dress?"

Ouah. Fuck that guy. 

"Excuse me?"

Lena blinked a few times in angry confusion and the man took advantage of those seconds to stop right in front of her, blocking her the way. She had no choice but to stop too. Rapidly looking around her, Lena felt her stomach drop at the sight of the empty street.

"Is it because you are looking for something?" He asked, giving Lena a grin that sent shivers down her spine. Every word coming out of his mouth sounded _gross_  and _disgusting_  and Lena probably had to leave now.

"I'm not looking for anything," she murmured, anger thrumming in her veins, but she kept it hidden to avoid making everything worse. 

_Ew. Just ew._

"I don't really have time for this, now if you'll excuse me..." 

She began walking, expecting him to step aside but instead he stood his ground, and in Lena's brain a voice started telling her to run in the opposite direction and find a place to call a cab or even the police. But he shook his head from left to right and her feet were like glued to the ground. 

"Come on, don't act like you don't know what you're doing. Girls like you wear this for a reason, they like to provoke, they want men to come crawling at their feet."

He almost spat those words and Lena gulped as the man gave her a wider smile. 

"You wanted to get my attention," he said, and his eyes darted to Lena's chest, which was almost completely hidden under her black dress. "I can't say your little _trick_  didn't work, sweetie." 

The word _sweetie_  shook Lena from her paralyzed state and she was starting to retreat rapidly when the man's hand gripped her right arm. 

"Back the fuck off!" she screamed, trying to break free from the man's hold, but his hand was solidly wrapped around her arm. She screamed again, hoping someone would hear her.

She started sending blind kicks in the man's legs, trying to reach his sensitive spot and struggling as much as she could. She had to leave. Now. Why didn't she run earlier? Why didn't she see that coming? 

The man shoved her to the side and started to drag her, screaming and kicking, to an open door on the left. And all Lena could think about at that moment was that if Hell existed then its entry had to look like this door. She couldn't let him drag her there. She knew she needed to keep that from happening because otherwise, it would be too late. 

Her heartbeat was going crazy and it was all she could hear, and all she could see was the man's horrible smile, the way his face was contorted in pure joy, telling her how much he was loving seeing Lena's fear. 

She was being assaulted. He was going to rape her if she didn't react. 

_Don't panic._

Lena was panicking, of course, she was. She couldn't breathe and felt like throwing up. The young woman tried to remember the self-defense lessons she had taken in college and looked for the weakest point in the man's hold -the thumb. She violently pulled her arm in an attempt to free herself, but the second her right arm was free he was grabbing her left wrist and widely twisting it.

Lena heard a scream echoing in the street and she realized it was hers. Her vision went dark for a second and the pain kept her from trying to free herself once again.

_Hurt._

"Stop thrashing around," the man commanded and Lena heard herself screaming for help. She felt like she was in a bubble, everything was happening around it and the sounds were distorted and blurred. 

A hand wrapped around her neck and she felt fingers pressing on her throat. She tried gasping for air but her lungs were left empty and useless.

_Six seconds_ , she thought. It was the time it took for someone to choke you unconscious.

_1_

He pressed her against the wall and Lena's lungs started burning.

_2_

Lena grabbed his wrist with her right hand. She had to free herself. She needed air. The pressure in her head was increasing, all she could think about was that she couldn't be knocked out and left unconscious at this psychopath's mercy.

_3_

It seemed like her muscles remembered something from her self-defense class. At the feeling of the man's other hand hovering on her chest, her arms and legs started moving on their own free will as her mind was getting hazier. Somewhere near them, a door opened.

_4_

Lena sent him a kick in the genitals and felt the grip easing a little as the man let out a painful cry. His fingers were a little less tight around her neck and she put all of her energy in pushing the man's arm to the side, pivoting her whole body violently in the opposite direction.

_5_

People were running towards them and shouting. Lena felt the man's thumb slipping on her throat and the pressure disappeared. She used the small amount of force she had left to push herself to the side, freeing herself from his deadly hold and desperately gasped for air.

Lena barely had the time to cough before she fell on the ground, her head hitting the concrete hard. The sound of it ringed in her ears for a few seconds and she could almost feel her brain moving inside her head. That wasn't good.

She didn't know whether her eyes were open or closed, it was all black and lightning bolts and white dots. There were footsteps, voices and loud noises everywhere. When her vision roughly returned, Lena caught the sight of several people jumping on her attacker and tackling him to the ground. Someone kneeled down in front of her and for one second Lena had the irrational fear that the man had managed to break free, but a concerned and soft male's voice asked her to stay awake and the CEO felt herself calming down.

Her eyes were slowly closing and the whole world was spinning around her. She was underwater, lost in space, in the center of a black hole or simply nowhere at all. Maybe on a beach with Kara, in a bar with her brother or sitting on her father's lap in the Luthor's manor. The voices were far away and Lena sighed when everything got quiet, everything was fading away and she was sinking into the warm feeling of safety that those thoughts had awoken in her. Slowly, softly, Lena slipped out of consciousness, sheltering in a quieter place. Safe.

_6_

\---

Kara almost broke the entry door. It was a glass door, and she could see Maggie in her uniform on the other side talking to a tall man wearing a gown. At the sound of the girl violently pushing the door, causing it to hit the rubber on the wall, her sister's girlfriend snapped her head in her direction and murmured an apology before leaving the doctor with another cop. She was next to her in a blink of an eye and the younger girl was pretty close to collapsing in her arms.

Kara had sprinted all the way to the hospital, which was at least twenty minutes away, and as the adrenaline that had boosted her was lowering nausea started taking its place. Now that she didn't have to run between people and cars her body was punishing her for pushing herself to the limits. And the idea of Lena being hurt felt like someone was making knots with her stomach.

Oh god, maybe she was going to throw up.

"Hey, Kara, breathe. Breathe," Maggie said calmly and she put both her hands on the younger woman's shoulders. Kara swallowed down her nausea. She needed to know.

"How- how... How is- how is she?" she managed to articulate while trying to stay balanced. Maggie had had to hang up quickly, she didn't have a lot of information and a doctor was asking to talk to her. Kara was left with the knowledge that Lena had been assaulted and was hurt. Lena was hurt. Nausea came back in a second and when Kara swallowed it tasted like bile.

A reassuring smile appeared on Maggie's face. "She's going to be okay, Kara. She's out of danger and none of her injuries are life-threatening" The girl breathed for the first time in twenty-five minutes. "She has a broken wrist, some nasty bruises and a wound on her forehead but she'll be fine. She fell head-first on the pavement so she's unconscious for now but the doctors said she would wake up soon." Maggie squeezed Kara's forearm. "It could take from a few hours to a few days, but she's completely out of danger."

Out of danger. That was good. That was all that mattered, actually. Kara felt a rush of relief flowing through her, her lungs were starting to function normally again and she was able to think clearer. Lena was going to go be okay. It meant that she would recover completely, she would soon wake up and Kara would have the opportunity to tell her she was the most amazing person on earth and she deserved all the love in the world.

But for now, she wasn't _okay_. She had a broken wrist and a head injury, and that wasn't _okay_.

"Fuck," Kara murmured, her mind going blank for a few seconds before reality hit her once again. "Fuck." Anger started welling up in her chest, making the relief fade and her face tense with hate. "Who the _fuck_  did that to her..." 

Kara hadn't shouted, it was more like a bark, but she began noticing that there were quite a lot of people around her friend and her. And the majority of them were looking at Kara clinging to Maggie as if the ground was collapsing under her feet -which was was not really far from reality. Every stable thing was collapsing.

They were in the waiting room, where all of the people who weren't too badly injured waited for an examination. There was a man with a black eye whose right arm was protectively hugging his shoulder, an old woman coughing and a kid crying in his father's arm. In a corner, a man who was probably in his early eighties was reading the journal. He was the only one who wasn't looking at the two girls, almost like he was used to this kind of scene. He hadn't flinched when Kara had pushed the door way too violently for it to be normal.

"An asshole," Maggie murmured, finally answering Kara's question.

But Kara wanted more than that, a name, a photo and if possible an address so that she could go pay him a polite visit. 

"An asshole whose ass is going to spend several years on a prison bench regretting that he ever _touched_  Lena," the cop added. Maggie took a deep breath and there was anger in her voice, but it looked like she was trying to control it in order to preserve Kara. The brunette planted her gaze into the younger girl's eyes and her expression was so grave that Kara started internally freaking out again.

"He wanted to rape her, Kara."

It took several seconds for the girl to make sense of Maggie's words. And it was like a bucket of ice-cold water hitting her face. She could feel every drop of it hurting her and making her want to scream as loud as she could. 

This time the ground was really collapsing under her feet. It wasn't a teenage thief who had tried to steal Lena's purse because he wanted to give his girlfriend a new phone. Lena had been assaulted by a fucking rapist. So that meant... no.

"No..." she mumbled, and her throat started to close. "No, he didn't... She hasn't..."

Realizing what Kara's mind was starting to imagine, Maggie shook her head _no_  and tried to make her voice as reassuring as possible. "No, no, no he didn't, don't worry. He didn't do anything to her. She managed to fight him long enough for people to come helping her. She was so..." 

Maggie was looking for comforting words but the idea that Lena had been so close to _that_  was simply breaking Kara in small pieces.

"... so badass. One of the men who helped her told me she managed to kick him in the genitals to get his fingers off her throat."

Kara wanted Maggie to stop telling her that, she wanted to scream that she couldn't hear a depiction of how the man had tried to strangle Lena, she couldn't hear any of that if she wanted to keep herself from breaking down right here right now. Maggie seemed to realize that her words didn't have the intended effect because she interrupted her explanation and guided Kara to a chair. The girl collapsed on it and buried her head in her hands, trying to steady her breathing. 

She wanted to take this guy, shove him against a wall and punch him until his face wasn't recognizable anymore. She wanted to feel the sensation of his bones breaking under her clenched fist.

"I called Alex and Sam, they'll be here soon. And Sam is going to call Lena's brother and mother. But you're the first one I called, as soon as I heard Lena had been assaulted I knew I had to tell you."

Kara nodded without raising her head. It was too much. "Can we see her?" she asked in a trembling voice. 

She couldn't see Maggie's face but she heard the apologie in her tone. "Not yet, they are still running tests on her and then she will have to stay alone for a few hours before visitors are allowed inside her room. It's the procedure."

The _procedure_  could go live its life somewhere else because Kara needed to see Lena. She quickly jumped from her seat, not giving a damn about the people who were looking at her in the waiting room. The child had stopped crying and even the deadpan old man had taken his gaze off his paper to set it on an agitated Kara.

"I don't care what the procedure is, Maggie, I need to see her," she hissed. Kara knew the cop had nothing to do with this decision but right now snapping at someone seemed like a good idea to vent her frustration.

Maggie sighed and stayed silent. She gestured Kara to sit down and the blonde reluctantly obeyed, her guts telling her to run to the reception desk and take everyone hostage until someone allowed her to check on her friend.

"You will see her soon, but right now it's not possible, Kara, hear me out on this. She needs to rest in a quiet place. The doctors know what they do, remember med school takes forever to finish."

Kara mumbled a _that's not the point_  but she knew Maggie was right. 

"She'll be fine, little Danvers. And Murphy," Kara guessed he was the other cop, "arrested him. He won't hurt her ever again." Maggie opened her arms and Kara sunk into the embrace. She didn't feel like crying, everything was just dry. 

They stayed like that for a moment before a male voice rang in the lobby.

"Sawyer, we need you in here." It was the other cop -Murphy- who was waiting for her with the doctor.

Kara automatically removed herself from Maggie's grasp and sat back on her chair. The brunette glanced at her coworker for a second before settling her gaze back on Kara.

"Will you be okay alone?" Maggie asked. She sounded worried, but Kara wasn't the one to worry about. It wasn't like she was actually going to take anyone hostage.

The more Kara and Maggie had learned to know each other, the more the cop had adopted this big sister attitude that always comforted Kara when Alex wasn't around. It made her feel a little better.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," she said, a sad smile plastered on her face. "I'll wait here for Sam and Alex."

Maggie nodded and murmured _duty_ _calling_  before walking away.

And Kara was left alone -relatively alone, saying that it was still a rather crowded waiting room- with her nausea. And as if she wasn't feeling shitty enough, guilt made its way through her thoughts. She should have told Lena to take her car. She should have suggested that they went to Lena's apartment. She shouldn't have left for Metropolis. The more she thought about it the more it seemed like everything she had done for the past week was just one big mistake that led to this moment with Lena hurt in a hospital. It was her fault. _This_  was the consequence of her actions. There were thousands of different scenarios and yet it was this one that had become real. Kara wished she could repair this mistake, but there was nothing she could do, someone had hurt Lena and there was nothing she could do about it.

Why was it always going wrong? 

Kara clenched her fists angrily, uselessness eating her up and making her heart beat too fast. It was unfair. Lena didn't deserve that. She squeezed her thumbs harder until it hurt and a single tear ran down her cheek. She wasn't going to cry. 

The young woman tried to focus on something else than the worries that weighed her down but the room was uninteresting, the walls were white, the wallpaper was starting to decompose and it looked horrible. 

But it didn't seem to bother anyone. 

The wallpaper was perishing and it didn't seem to bother anyone else than Kara. Outside everything was black and she wondered if it was all just a nightmare, because it sure looked like one. But the pain in her fingers and in her stomach was like a reminder that it wasn't. It wasn't a nightmare. 

And the more she was staring at the wallpaper, the worse it looked and the harder it was to breathe. Everything was wrong, from Lena being attacked to that damn wallpaper falling apart. It was wrong, so wrong. She wanted to rip it off. To rip everything off and tear everything apart.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_Not now, please not now_ , Kara silently begged. She didn't want to have a panic attack now. She didn't want to have a panic attack while she was surrounded by people she didn't know and while other people she didn't know were running tests on Lena and telling other people she didn't know to ask Maggie to keep Kara from seeing her. No, she didn't want that. But it was coming, she could feel it and...

"Excuse me, Miss?"

Kara snapped her head in the direction where the voice came from, and the distraction kept her from falling into the hole her incoming panic attack had dug for her. The old man who had been sitting in the corner was standing in front of her, he had his journal in one hand and a steaming cup in the other. He was smiling kindly at her and his white hair and white beard made him look like a modern Victor Hugo.

"I thought you could use a hot drink." He extended his arm and Kara mechanically grabbed what he was handing her. "I'm afraid it's not going to be the best hot chocolate of your life," he added as Kara was examining the brown liquid dancing in the cup, "those machines have been here for several years." He gestured to the other side of the room where a small drink dispenser was languishing gathering dust. The old man looked back at Kara and winked at her. "But warm drinks warm your entire body, including your heart." 

Kara was still staring at the drink when she heard the man starting to walk back to his seat. It didn't seem like he had expected an answer, he had just come to give her hot chocolate and now he was ready to leave her alone once again.

"Wait!" 

Half of the heads in the waiting room raised and Kara's cheeks started burning under the gaze of all of those people. But at least it had the effect of stopping the old man who turned around halfway to his seat. 

"You... you can stay here if you want," she mumbled, gesturing to the chair next to her. Her voice was ten times lower because she really needed to stop being the center of everybody's attention, and for a second Kara wondered if the man had heard her. But he gave her another smile and made his way to Kara once again. 

As he was quietly sitting in the chair Kara had indicated her, the girl took a sip of the beverage -the man had warned her, it wasn't _good_  but it did make her feel warm in a good way. She kept on drinking for a minute while her companion had resumed his reading in silence. And even though she was still burned by the idea of Lena being hurt, Kara couldn't keep herself from finding the man's behavior adorable.

"Thanks," she murmured, and the man turned his head to look at her. His face was soft and gentle, he was the kind of person everyone would wish they had as their grandfather. Kara could easily imagine him holding his grandkid and telling them stories about his childhood. "I really needed that. I'm Kara, by the way."

His expression was filled with care. "You don't have to thank me, Kara. I'm Donald, but most people call me Don."

He extended his wrinkled hand and Kara shook it precociously, not knowing why the man was in the waiting room of the hospital this late in the night. She didn't want to break his hand or something.

"Nice to meet you, Don," she whispered. 

"So, how's the chocolate?"

She felt a weak smile forming on her face. "Warming."

The man nodded in approval. "I thought so, my wife always used to make me a hot chocolate whenever I was upset. She's the one who always said that it could warm your heart even in the toughest situations." He chuckled slightly and Kara saw happiness glisten in his eyes. 

"Well, she was right." 

_Was_? Kara nervously bit her lip when she realized she had used the past tense. For a second she feared she would upset Don, but that statement only seemed to make him even more pleased and he didn't notice her assumption.

"Rose was right about everything," he murmured before stopping to study Kara's face. "She looked a lot like you when we were young. Fresh, true and with eyes that were so blue that sometimes I could swear I was looking right into the sky." Kara grinned and Don chuckled once again. "I was already cheesy back then, me and my Walmart metaphors."

Kara was about to tell him his metaphors weren't _that_  cheesy when she saw that his eyes were starting to shine. He wiped them with the sleeve of his pullover and Kara stayed silent. 

"I'm sorry," he murmured, "she just... doesn't open her eyes anymore so seeing yours makes me a little emotional. The same eyes..." A few seconds later his face was back to its normal peaceful expression. "I shouldn't bother you with my emotional burden, I'm sure you have yours," he added, his voice still trembling a little but his mouth curved into a smile.

Kara did have her own emotional burden, but right now there was absolutely nothing she could do about it and that man had allowed her to avoid having a panic attack without even knowing it, so nothing he was telling her could bother her. 

"You're not bothering me, Don," she reassured. "And I'm sorry I'm bringing you sadness."

Don shook his head dismissively. "You're not bringing me sadness, don't be stupid, being able to feel like I'm looking in my wife's eyes is the best gift anyone could give me. And this whole place brings bad memories anyway." He stopped for a few seconds and Kara wondered if he was really in the waiting room of the hospital for himself or if it was something else. "Rose had a heart attack six years ago, and she's still in a coma."

Kara felt her heart sinking. That was why she wasn't opening her eyes anymore. 

"I come to visit her often," he continued, "mostly at night. Everything is more peaceful at night." He was looking in the void and he closed his eyes slowly. "Sometimes I like waiting here before I go see her. Read the papers. Pretend I'm waiting for her to get ready in the lobby of a hotel before we head to some fancy restaurants she dreamed of." He opened his eyes again and giggled to himself. "The wallpaper, the drink vending machine and I are aging together."

_Do not cry Kara, do not cry._

The girl got up and was back thirty seconds later with another hot chocolate. She handed it to Don and they both sat in silence, slowly sipping their drinks and both of their hearts warming just a little. 

...

When Alex and Sam arrived, Don had already left to go see his wife and Maggie had returned a few moments later. It was still too soon to see Lena and the newcomers found the two girls sitting in silence. Kara let Maggie explain what had happened, trying to shut her ears as hard as she could when the cop gave details about Lena's assault. Alex sat next to her and Kara set her head on her sister's shoulder, allowing herself to close her eyes for a while.

When she opened them again, it was getting lighter outside and Kara realized she had slept on Alex's shoulder. It was understandable, considering that she had had around three hours of sleep within the last twenty-four hours, but Kara was afraid she had missed something. Alex would have certainly woken her up if anything had happened anyway. Her sister was gently brushing her side with her hand and her arm was around Kara's waist. 

"You shouldn't have let me sleep," Kara mumbled as she sat back on her chair. Alex rolled her eyes and gave her little sister a pointed look.

"There were no new and you still can't see her. So there were no reasons why I should have woken you up. And you fell asleep on me Kara, and then you started snoring in my ear." Kara's eyes widened and Alex sighed exasperatedly. "It wasn't very loud. And I don't care, you needed to sleep."

Kara shrugged and her eyes dropped to the ground. She was sick of waiting here without any news, sick of waiting in this horrible white room, and all she wanted was to at least hear about Lena. But no one seemed to be allowed to give information so they were leaving her in the dark, clearly not aware that Lena meant the world to Kara. And Maggie had had to leave to deal with cop stuff at the police station, so she had lost her only friendly intermediary. Kara was tired, restless, anxious and frustrated.

"I swear I'm going to go find her myself," Kara murmured. "Why can't anyone tell us anything in this damn hospital?" She blinked back the tears that were trying to escape her eyes. They were frustration tears and Kara couldn't focus on anything else than on the feeling of uselessness that had been torturing her for the last few hours. "By the way, where the hell is Sam?"

And as if Kara had summoned her, the brunette appeared at the corner of the room, half-running, and half-walking. Sam looked in a hurry but not more anxious than before and hope flowed through the younger girl's heart.

"Visits are allowed," Sam blurted out as soon as she was close enough and Kara was already getting up, an incredible amount of new-found energy giving her the strength to jump on her feet, ready to follow Sam, ready to see Lena and make sure she was going to be fine. "But it's only one person at a time," she added as the three girls were walking down the white corridor, "so I thought you should go first, Kara."

For a second the idea that Sam -Lena's high school best friend- judged that Kara should be the one to go first startled her, but it was soon erased by the thought of seeing Lena that had obsessed her for the last few hours. She would deal with what this meant later, she simply nodded and kept following Sam.

They went down a maze of corridors which looked perfectly identical. In any other situation, Kara would have wondered how the hell Sam was able to know where she was going, but a few minutes later the CFO stopped in front of a white door with the number 768 painted in gold letters. A man dressed in nurse clothes was sitting on a chair in front of it, absorbed in the notes he was reading and occasionally completing.   
Kara stopped as well, torn between her need to just open the door and check on Lena and the thought that being excluded from the hospital was probably not the best thing right now. The man lifted his head from his paper and got up, extending his hand towards Sam, then Alex and finally Kara.

_I don't need to shake your hand, just open the damn door_ , Kara thought. 

But it seemed like the man really wanted to talk to them so she ended up swallowing down her frustration and awkwardly idling while he was telling them things they already knew. No, they wouldn't come in together, of course, they wouldn't start shouting in the room, and no, they wouldn't put a flash in Lena's eyes, like if it was something Kara would do. 

They waited for his little speech to be over, and Kara knew he was just doing his job, and right now his job was to keep Lena safe but if he could just let her in it would be _great_. He finally stepped aside and gestured for Kara to come in. The young woman felt a hand brushing her shoulder and gently squeezing it. Kara gave Alex a last small smile.

"It's going to be fine," Sam whispered and Kara nodded forcefully to try to convince herself before entering the room and quietly closing the door behind her.

Lena was lying on the hospital bed, eyes closed. It was all Kara could discern so far, the room was only illuminated by the small amount of daylight that made its way through the window and it took her a little time to get used to it. She walked closer, and when she was only a few feet from her friend she felt her knees trembling and she collapsed on the chair next to the bed. 

She looked so small. And vulnerable. And pale. Lena's dark hair was falling on her shoulders and there was so much contrast between her skin and it that for a moment Kara wondered if she was seeing in black and withe. She had bruises on her neck, like fingerprints, and her left wrist was locked in a cast that went from her palm to the middle of her arm, leaving her elbow free to move. She had a huge bruise on her forehead and Kara was going to break something in the room. 

She was going to break every furniture in this damn room.

Kara carefully extended her arm until the tip of her fingers were barely touching Lena's good hand. She was afraid she was going to hurt her as if with the lightest squeeze the raven-haired girl would shatter in pieces. Kara finally grabbed her hand as gently as she could and she slowly intertwined their fingers. Every hope of Lena waking up at Kara's touch disappeared when the raven-haired woman stayed just as still as before. She almost looked peaceful.

Part of her was feeling guilty for taking Lena's hand, she probably shouldn't have been taking advantage of that moment to hold the raven-haired woman's hand, but nothing in the world could have forced her to let go of Lena. 

As long as Kara was holding her hand, Lena couldn't slip away without anyone noticing.

She couldn't.

And Kara broke into tears. Sobs filled the heavy silence of the room.

"I need you, Lena," she murmured, and it was a selfish thought, but truly there was no way she could go on without Lena holding her. "I need you," she whispered once again, as quietly as she could. 

Kara needed Lena. She needed her to be okay. It wasn't fair, Lena shouldn't have been lying unconscious in this bed. The younger girl knew the doctors had assured everyone Lena would wake up, but she was scared, she shouldn't have been scared because everything was going to be _okay_  but she was. She was terrified. Terrified that like Don with his wife, one day or another Kara would never be able to look in Lena's eyes ever again. That someone else would leave her. Again.

\---

Kara startled when a knock broke the quietness of the room. It was light and careful, and Kara got up and opened the door. Sam's concerned face appeared and the woman gestured for her to come in the corridor. Kara reluctantly left the room, not without sending a last gaze in Lena's direction, hoping she would see anything moving, but the girl was only breathing.

Sam closed the door behind them and put both her hands on Kara's shoulders, giving her a worried glance. "You should go home and take some rest," she stated, scrutinizing Kara's face. "I can take your place and call you if anything changes."

Kara shook her head vigorously. "It's fine, Sam, I can stay here, I'm not even tired." The girl gave her an unconvinced look and Kara's eyes drifted to the wall. "I swear, I don't need to sleep," she insisted, even though it was the biggest lie ever.

She was exhausted.

It was currently two in the afternoon and Kara had spent the last hours sitting next to Lena, keeping herself from falling asleep so that she wouldn't miss any sign of her friend waking up. She hadn't been eating either, when Alex had brought her snacks from the cafeteria she had barely touched them. She was surviving with water and a few hot chocolates her sister was bringing her.

Sam sighed and set her head in her hand. "Look, I know you're worried and I am too, trust me." She stopped to take a deep breath. "But there's nothing we can do right now. She _will_  be fine, Kara. She's going to be okay. But you're not going to be more useful if you're sleep-deprived."

"I'm not leaving," Kara stated because she wasn't. She wasn't going anywhere until Lena had opened her eyes. She didn't care how long it would take, she was staying here.

Sam frowned slightly and concern took over her face. Kara sighed deeply and put one hand on her friend's shoulder. "It's fine Sam, really. And if my body feels like it won't survive without a little nap I will pass out on my chair anyway, so I'll probably sleep in a moment."

Sam scoffed but she seemed to understand her mission to get Kara to go home for a while was miserably failing because she nodded slowly. But she didn't seem focused on Kara, her eyes were following something else behind the reporter. When the blonde turned around, she caught the sight of Maggie and the other cop entering a room a few meters away. Intrigued, she walked closer and just as she was approaching the room, the two appeared once again, flanking a tall man with two black eyes and a cut on the lip. He was handcuffed and looked oddly bored by the situation.

When she saw the reporter, Maggie furrowed her brows and she didn't look pleased that Kara was here

"You should go back with Lena," the cop said quickly, eyeing worryingly at the man she was guarding. Her hand was secured around his arm as Murphy was locking the door of the room. 

Kara was about to answer that it was exactly what she was going to do, not paying attention to the man, assuming he was just a random criminal Maggie had to pick up. But as she opened her mouth to speak, she heard the man making an interested sound and she quizzically turned her head in his direction. 

"So her name is Lena," he commented, and Kara blinked a few times before she realized who the man was. 

What he had done.

The rage arrived like a tsunami in her, compressing her chest, burning her head, twisting her stomach, clenching her fists. 

And all happened very quickly. Kara didn't really know how her hand had moved so fast but a second later the man was spitting a small amount of blood and Kara was holding her painful fist and massaging her knuckles.

But the pain was so worth it. 

"FUCK YOU!" she screamed as loud as she could. 

It didn't change anything, Lena was still hurt and unconscious, but Kara was about to punch him again -she had been dreaming of it- when she felt strong hands grabbing her shoulders and shoving her aside. 

"That didn't really hurt," the man mocked even though his face was contorted in pain and hate. As Kara was trying to break free, Maggie told him to _shut the fuck up_  and lifted her head to face Kara, her features tense and hard.

"You stop, Danvers. Now." 

Kara couldn't do anything anyway, the hands that were holding her were way too powerful. She saw Maggie sending her a furious gaze before she started dragging the man down the corridor. Murphy had a very confused look on his face for a second and he narrowed his eyes as if he was wondering whether he was supposed to arrest her or something, but he ended up he joining Maggie without a word.

"What the fuck!" a high-pitched voice shouted behind her and Kara realized it was her sister who was holding her, under Sam's bewildered gaze. 

Kara pulled away and went straight to the nearest chair, burying her head in her hands. She tried to calm her breathing but there was an earthquake in her head. 

_Breathe_.

"You can't do that Kara!" 

The girl lifted her head and met Alex's angry look for a second before locking her gaze on the ground and massaging her sensible knuckles. 

"Hey, are you listening to me?" Alex asked, waving her hand right in front of Kara's eyes.

"Give me a break," the girl snapped, pushing Alex's hand away and getting up again. She put her hands on the nearest wall and slowly set her forehead against it. Kara could feel the two women's gaze on her and she turned around like a fury, deciding that she would just shout until her rage had gone.

Alex walked closer, trying to put a hand on her sister's shoulders but the girl shivered at the sudden contact."Kara, why the f..." 

"I said give me a break!" she shouted, very close to punching the wall. "Just.. just imagine it was fucking Maggie lying on this hospital bed!"

Alex stood still for a few seconds before realization dawned on her face and the way she had formulated her sentence suddenly hit Kara. "That's not what I meant," she murmured, not really caring about what her sister and Sam would think now.

"It was exactly what you meant, wasn't it?" Alex gently said, her voice a lot calmer than before, Kara's sudden fury seemed to make much more sense to her right now. 

"That's not the point," Kara exasperatedly articulated. "He was just there! Less than ten meters from her! How- how..." Even talking was difficult, so many insults were polluting her head and she had a hard time constructing sentences that weren't only curses. "How- how could they put him here? He doesn't deserve to be in a hospital, he should be rotting in jail and..."

"He was handcuffed to the bed," Alex interrupted, looking equally exasperated and understanding. "A man who helped Lena broke two of his ribs, Maggie told me she and the other cop made sure he wouldn't go anywhe..."

Kara felt her face burning. "You knew? You knew he was there?" she yelled angrily as resentment towards her sister started festering in her. Her tone was accusing she pushed her finger in Alex's chest. "How could you not tell me!"

And all of a sudden Alex's hands were cupping her face and she was forced to meet her gaze. Her sister's eyes were full of compassion and Kara didn't have the heart to push her away. "He's not going to hurt her again, I promise you."

Kara swallowed hard and she shut her eyes, chasing the idea of the man taking advantage of Lena's unconscious state. "I know," she murmured and she felt herself being pulled in Alex's arm. It calmed her down a little and she let her sister hug her for a while. "I'm sorry. Not for punching him, but for yelling at you."

"It's okay," Alex said, gently patting Kara's hand.

"Who taught you to punch like that, by the way?" Sam asked, stepping closer to the two sisters. "That was... powerful."

Kara sent her a small smile. She and Alex split their embrace and the younger woman gestured to her sister. 

"All her fault." 

Alex rolled her eyes and Sam let out a short laugh, closer to the nervous laughter than to a genuine one but it was more relaxed nonetheless.

"And I go to the gym," she added, before asking Alex to bring her ice and stepping back in Lena's room.

 

\---

 

Lena didn't remember drinking, but it felt like she was drunk nonetheless. 

Being drunk had always been a very weird experience for Lena. First, it always took her forever to start feeling the effect of alcohol. Alex's drinks were completely useless even to get Lena tipsy, she needed something stronger. And when she was finally starting to feel drunk, that was a whole other story. It was like a little robot took Lena's place in her brain. 

Because all Lena was doing when she was drunk was _pretending_  she wasn't. 

And it worked perfectly, at least ninety percent of the time. The little robot in her head always did an amazing job, and all she had to do was go take a nap in the back of her head while her body was moving on its own. She could retreat somewhere and avoid thinking about anything, because when the little robot was in charge, absolutely nothing could make its way through Lena's mind.

But these days, there was always something blue and deep that followed her, drunk or not. And that was confusing. At first, Lena couldn't really figure out what these blue things were -there were two of them. But they didn't make her anxious, she felt safe under their stare.

_Stare_.

They were eyes, right? Lena tried to remember what eyes were. She was sure there was a scientific definition for _eyes_ , and she was also sure she knew it. But apparently the only definition of this word she could think of was blue and deep, which didn't seem very scientific and exhaustive, and it frustrated her grandly. Lena was always scientific and exhaustive, but apparently not in her current state.

Her current state, which was not exactly drunk. Lena didn't really feel drunk anyway. It was actually very different from drunk, and the fact that she was only noticing it now startled her. If she wasn't drunk, what was happening?

Lena tried to open her eyes but they were like stuck. But she didn't remember putting her head in a bucket full of glue these last few days.

There were a lot of things Lena didn't remember. Like where she was, for example. Where was she?

She finally snapped her eyes open and the bright light in the room blinded her. It was too bright and her head started pounding painfully, forcing her to blink frantically until she finally managed to see something. At first glance, there were no blue eyes looking at her to make her feel safe and Lena's head started racing as panic was overtaking her. But when she carefully and slowly turned her head to keep her headache from getting worse -because for some reason moving hurt like hell-, she caught the sight of familiar blond hair sitting next to her bed. The girl's eyes were closed, so no blue eyes, but blond hair was a very good start.

She barely processed this information -blond hair, Kara- before she felt herself slipping out of consciousness once again. But her panic had disappeared, this time she fell asleep with the certainty she was safe once again.

...

The next time she woke up Lena was not much more aware of everything that had happened. She had the memory of a horrible evil smile that sent shivers in her body, but that was pretty much it. Wanting to chase this nightmarish vision, she opened her eyes and tried to figure out where she was. Most of the things in the room were white and sober, her sheets were white too and it wasn't her room. As she was petty sure she was in National City and not staying in a hotel somewhere else, the most logical conclusion was that she was in a hospital. Why? That was another question that Lena decided to forget about at least for a little while.

Everything reminded her of that time where she had fallen from her horse at nine years old as she was galloping to impress her brother. Her head had hit the ground and she had spent several days at the hospital. It wasn't such a bad memory, her mother was on a business trip and hadn't judged this situation urgent enough to shorten her time abroad, which meant Lena hadn't been reprimanded. Lex had stayed the whole time with her to read her stories and Lionel had bought her an enormous _young chemist_  box along with a gigantic teddy bear. 

They weren't bad memories, her brother had been sitting next to her bed for days just to make sure she was fine. 

For a few seconds, Lena believed she was nine and had fallen from a horse. Soon her father would come back with another toy and her brother would hold her hand. But she soon remembered she was still twenty-four and it wasn't her brother in the room. Oh, because there was indeed someone in the room with Lena. The young woman tried to get her eyes to focus on the silhouette, and when it finally worked she promised herself she would never take them off this person.

A blond-haired girl was looking through the window, her chin in her head. She was one of those people whose beauty was visible from every angle, no matter whether she was showing you her back or her face. She was staying still, it almost looked like she was sleeping and the sight of it was so soothing that Lena stayed quiet a little longer, simply looking at her breathing. There was no noise in the room, Lena felt like she was a fish in an aquarium where every sound was muffled by the water. 

A few moments later the blond-haired woman turned her head in a tired motion as if she was used to being disappointed each time she did it, but Lena saw her eyes widen and her jaw drop. The girl wasn't moving, she was staring at Lena like she had seen an alien. And she also had blue eyes.

Of course, she had blue eyes, it was Kara. It was Kara's eyes.

So that was fine, she really was safe.

"Hi," Lena murmured, her voice coming out way too hoarse for her liking. That's when she realized how thirsty she was and how much a glass of water seemed like the best idea ever. Breaking her internal promise, Lena took her eyes off Kara and circled the room to see if there was anything that looked like a bottle of _ice-cold water_. When she came to the devastating conclusion that there was not even a glass in this place -at least not in the principal room, there was a door that she suspected led to a bathroom- Lena set her eyes back on Kara only to notice that the girl's cheeks were wet. That was not exactly the kind of water she had been looking for.

Kara finally moved, she wiped her tears with her sleeve and let out a small laugh that sounded more relieved than nervous. "Lena..." she murmured, and a second later she was kneeling next to her bed and gently taking her hand. "Oh god, I was so scared." She closed her eyes, tears sneakily escaping them, before burying her face in the sheets.

Her voice was trembling, and you could hear how tired and anxious Kara was just by the way her tone was completely different from her usually bright and relaxed one. And Lena felt like she was missing something. Scared? Why was Kara scared? There was a piece of the puzzle she couldn't find, something that made this whole situation a lot more relevant.

"I don't like it when you cry," Lena murmured sleepily, wondering what could have happened to upset Kara so much. The last time she had seen her best friend crying like that it was the day she had had a panic attack and the CEO hoped Kara was not in that state again. But if the blonde was crying because of a panic attack, why would Lena be in a hospital bed?

She tried to remind herself of the last things she remembered. She had worked all day in L-Corp with Sam, and then she had called Kara to ask her if she could come to her house. She was decided to explain to her why she hadn't kissed her back. That was pretty clear in her head. 

Lena furrowed her brows and nervously bit her lip. There was definitely something she wasn't seeing even though it was right before her eyes. 

"What..." she started, stuttering a little, "what happ..." And before she could finish her sentence images came rushing back in her mind. The man trying to hit on her, how he had started getting aggressive and how he had ended up trying to drag her somewhere and... and probably rape her. Whoa.

If it hadn't been for Kara's hand soothingly massaging her arm, Lena would have probably panicked a little -a lot-, because it had been _very_  close. Too close.

"Could I have some water?" she asked, feeling out of breath. She sat in the bed and shut her eyes close to stop the world from spinning around her. As she was fearing she would fall over, Lena felt hands positioning themselves on her back and helping her find her balance.

"Hey, hey," Kara whispered softly, "take it easy, you don't have a concussion but you still hit your head pretty hard." 

When Lena was in a stable position again, legs crossed under the sheets, Kara got up and rushed into the other part of her room. It was indeed a bathroom and a few seconds later her friend was back with a yellow glass full of cold water. She handed it to Lena who grabbed it while trying to keep her hands from trembling too much.

"Thanks." 

She put the glass against her lips and the cold liquid went down her throat, making the dry pain disappear in an instant and helping the fog in her head to dissipate. That was when she realized she had a cast on her left wrist, and she couldn't help the curse from escaping her mouth. "Fucking hell," Lena muttered and she saw Kara's face being clouded by anxiety.

"Is everything alright?" Kara asked, her tone full of worry that wasn't so well hidden. Lena felt her heart warm and clench all at once at the sight of her friend being so upset by the possibility that she was in pain. "Lena?" She added, and the CEO realized she had been staring in silence.

"Everything is fine," she reassured, waving dismissively with her hand and giving Kara a small smile. 

The other woman looked utterly unconvinced and Lena had no choice but to acknowledge the fact that _fine_  was not the best way she could describe the situation right now. It was a shitty situation. 

"It's bearable," she corrected, arching an eyebrow because all she wanted to do was to erase this tiredness in Kara's eyes. As bearable as being in a hospital after an assault was. But if Lena was being honest, her friend's presence was enough for her to feel a little less worried and that was all that mattered for now. "As long as you stay here," she added, probably because her mind was still a little blurry and the words were kind of leaving her mouth on their own.

Kara blinked a few times before nodding rapidly, eyes down to the ground as she fiddled with her glasses. When she finally lifted her head again to face Lena, she had another expression on her face, one that was filled with insecurities and the CEO was pretty sure she knew where they came from.

"Can I... can I give you a hug?" Kara demanded sheepishly as if it was some kind of sin she would normally be told not to do. The simple idea that the girl felt like she had to ask for this startled Lena. "I mean, first is it okay physically? I don't want to hurt you if you're in pain just tell me I could always call a nurse or a doctor or... or a nurse, I already said that, didn't I?"

Kara was rambling and the only word that came to Lena's mind wasn't _pathetic_  or _ridiculous_  but _adorable_. Adorably sweet and also heart-breaking. 

"And then on the... the mental level," she continued, "are you okay with me giving you a hug? Because I would totally understand if you would prefer if I didn't come too close to you after what I did... you know what I mean. And I understand don't worry, we don't have to talk about it especially after what happened to you it's normal if..." 

Kara didn't seem to be done anytime soon so Lena decided to interrupt her as efficiently as she could, opening her arms and forcefully pulling the girl into a warm and tight hug. She buried her head in the girl's collar bone -it smelled like vanilla, everything about her friend smelled like vanilla- and it was right. Kara let out a surprised noise and then another of her relieved laugh before hugging Lena back, carefully trying not to squeeze too tight. 

They stayed like that for a while, their bodies as close as possible until everything started feeling a little less painful.

...

As she was awake, several persons were now authorized to come in together in Lena's room and she was successively crushed by Sam's and Alex's hugs. Ruby also came later in the day, she gave Lena a very light kiss were her head had hit the ground and the CEO swore that it had stopped the pain. Kara was always sitting in the room with her, sometimes taking short naps but mostly simply staying next to her, ready to jump on anyone who would try to hurt Lena again. 

A doctor came to check on her a few moments after she woke up and he explained to her the details of her wounds. It wasn't anything too bad, a couple of weeks would be enough for Lena to be completely fine. As the doctor was talking, Kara was pacing back and forth in the room, clearly trying to contain her anger to avoid any damage in the room.

At some point, her friend left to go to the toilets and Alex took advantage of that moment to murmur in Lena's ears that the younger girl hadn't been eating all day. Kara hadn't been eating, so that was not a good thing.

As the girl came back, Lena asked if they could order food from the cafeteria, insisting that Kara would get some too, because _I can't try food without you, Kara, that would be a sin_. She was trying to keep her mind busy, but avoiding to think about her assault was hard saying that she was still in the hospital, the cast was like a reminder that the consequences were not secondary. According to the doctors, it was a small fracture and she would be able to get her wrist back in three weeks.

All of this felt unreal. Lena wasn't doing great, but she wasn't doing so bad either. It was like she was in a neutral phase -on the mental level- and she didn't really know how she was supposed to feel. She was relieved that people had helped her before the man could do her anything but also shocked by how close it had been. Lena was floating, still aware that it wasn't a nightmare but not completely affected by the situation. Maybe emotions would come later, now she had to focus on resting so that she could leave this damn hospital room -although it still had some good, like Kara's presence next to her for example.

Kara and Lena ate together, but the meal wasn't from the cafeteria -according to Alex, the sight of it had made her want to puke so she had ordered pizzas, to Lena's delight. It was the end of the evening and Lena was starting to feel the haze due to the fall fade away with each passing minute, even if the headache was still very much installed despite the painkillers she had been given. She was sitting on her bed, a cover thrown on her shoulders -she had been shivering earlier on even though it was pretty hot in the room and Kara had insisted that it would be safer if Lena was wrapped in something warming. Kara didn't look great either, the bags under her eyes were bigger than her eyes themselves and Lena could see her occasionally closing them for a little too long before startling and shutting them open once again.

"You have to go home and sleep," Lena declared as she was slowly chewing her pizza to avoid making her headache worse. 

Kara shook her head and put her thumb up. "I'm just fine, don't worry, I take naps." 

Lena sighed a lifted an eyebrow -slowly once again, because _god_  her head hurt. "You're not fine, you need real sleep like any other human being, Kara. I'll be fine if you go, I promise you." Maybe that wasn't exactly true, maybe Lena would have liked to sleep knowing that Kara was sitting next to her but she knew the girl would stay awake all night if Lena asked her to. "You can come back tomorrow and bring a movie, the Lion King or something like that," she added, grinning at Kara.

"It's amazing how you're trying to take care of me right now. Let me take care of you, please," Kara asked in a pleading tone. "You can't worry about me though you're the one in a hospital bed," she added and her voice was full of sadness. "I'm sorry it happened to you."

Kara's body language translated her worry and anger, she was constantly tapping her finger on something and her eyes never seemed to stop moving.

"It happened, you couldn't do anything about it," Lena tried to reassure, putting her pizza away and locking eyes with Kara who had started nervously fidgeting with an olive. "A huge headache and a broken wrist aren't exactly what I was planning for the weekend but it won't kill me."

At the mention of Lena being _killed_  Kara shut her eyes close as to chase a disturbing image -Lena did the same, the idea of that man doing her anything sent her chills. 

"I don't care," Kara said firmly, "I'm not leaving you alone. Alex and Maggie went home and Sam had to go with Ruby, so if I leave now it means you'll be alone and I'm not leaving you _alone_."

Lena's emotions seemed to enjoy making knots with her throat and she felt a heatwave on the back of her eyes. But Kara clearly needed to sleep. 

"Kara, please, I'm telling you I'll be fine on my ow..."

All of a sudden the door was opened in a rapid gesture and both Kara and Lena startled, surprised by the abrupt sound. Kara had jumped on her feet, ready for battle even though the odds that Lena would get assaulted again, especially in a hospital, were close to zero. But the sight of the person who had opened the door made Lena calm down instantly and she saw Kara's body relax as well.

"Lena," her brother murmured as he ran to her side, scrutinizing her whole body to see how badly injured she was. "I took the first plane," Lex explained, trying to catch his breath -he was red from running, "Sam called me, how are you feeling?" 

Lena didn't even take the time to realize her brother was here, to be honest, she had practically forgotten about him but she instantly felt better when he stepped in the room. It was the first time she was seeing Lex in a state of true panic and Lena wanted to soothe his tense figure. All she wished was that she stopped making the people she loved worried, she wanted Kara to get some _freaking sleep_  and she wanted Lex to know she was okay.

"I'm fine, don't worry, I just have a headache and a broken wrist but that's all," she said as her brother was clasping his arms around her shoulders.

"That bastard," she heard him murmur and the anger in his tone was barely contained. "Has he been arrested? Sam didn't give me many details."

Lena nodded as her brother sat back on the bed, caressing her hand with his fingertips. He muttered a quiet _good_  and seemed lost in his thoughts for a few seconds before he met Lena's gaze once again. "Is there anything I can do? Have you eaten anything? Are you comfortably installed?"

Lena answered positively to both of his questions, gratitude flowing in her at the sight of her brother being so nice and caring. It's only then that he seemed to notice Kara's presence. The woman had been idling behind them, not knowing if she should leave or stay and eyeing anxiously at the door. 

"I apologize, I interrupted you without even knocking, but I absolutely needed to check on Lena," Lex said, his tone becoming calmer and calmer as he was regaining his usual composure. Lena could see he had been worried sick and that the only way he could be reassured was to see her himself. 

"I'm Lex Luthor, Lena's sister." He got up and extended his hand. Kara stared at it for a second and it was like she didn't know what she was supposed to do with it -another sign that she really needed to sleep. When she finally seemed to remember what she had to do, she grabbed his hand and gently shook it.

"I'm Kara Danvers, Lena's friend, nice to meet you," she said, her voice coming out very quietly. 

Lex made an _oh_  and turned back at Lena, giving her a small suggestive smile. It was amazing how easily he could slip back in his usual behavior and make her forget about all of her problems by simply doing his usual older brother show. Lena's eyes widen in realization -Lex knew about Kara and her and that would have been awfully awkward if the situation wasn't this serious. 

"I heard a lot of good things about you," he said warmly and Lena sighed internally. Why couldn't he just say _nice to meet you too_  like every normal person? Now Kara was turning crimson, and Lena couldn't help but find it overly cute. Lex's attempt to brighten her mood after his dramatic entrance was a success. 

"Did you book a hotel?" Lena asked just because Kara was too uncomfortable -it wasn't an unpleasant sight, but she looked so exhausted that Lena didn't have the heart to make her go through this any longer. 

Lex shook his head. "I'm staying with you for tonight and then we'll see," he stated and Lena's expression was replaced by triumph.

"See," she said, gazing at Kara, "you can go home, I won't be alone." Kara sighed in exasperation but she saw relief cross her figure at the idea of Lena not being on her own. "She hasn't been really sleeping for way too long," she added to Lex, "tell her you'll take care of me or she will refuse to take some rest."

"I promise I'll protect her, Kara," he said, and it was maybe meant as a joke but from the look on the blonde's face, Lena saw that it was what Kara really needed to hear. "I also heard from Sam that you punched the guy, that makes your rest even more deserved."

Wait. What?

"You punched him?" Lena hissed, worried that he got close enough to Kara for her to punch him. Lex blinked a few times in confusion before realizing Lena had no idea and he awkwardly cleared his throat. 

"Maybe," Kara murmured, looking at the ground. "Maggie was leaving the hospital with him earlier this afternoon, so when I understood who he was I couldn't really control myself. And he was handcuffed to the bed anyway. So I punched him. A little."

Lena couldn't decide how she should have felt about that. Probably a little worried but mostly satisfied. Yeah, that was good.

"How do you punch someone _a little_?" Lena asked in a teasing tone, even though she was still surprised to only learn that now. 

Kara shrugged and sent her a relieved smile, looking happy that Lena wasn't mad at her for punching someone, even though it was the most disgustingly horrible person on the planet. "I'd gladly do it again to show you. I'm pretty confident about the punching part, but the a little is not certain, though."

"May I join the party?" Lex asked, sending kicks in the air just to make Lena laugh.

As they were chatting lightly, Lena almost forgot why she was here and what had happened. Right now all that really mattered was that two of the most important people in her life were here for her and Lena almost choked as a wave a warmth overtook her. It felt right, Kara and Lex sitting next to each other and debating on the type of weapon they would use to destroy the man. All she wanted was to erase this traumatizing experience from her memory and pretend Kara and her brother weren't there because she had been knocked unconscious the night before. 

_I probably should have cried at least once by now_ , Lena thought as she mechanically tried to grab her pizza slice with her left hand. She would probably cry at some point, just not now. But when she squeezed her fingers on the food, it sent a sharp pain in her arm and she couldn't help but drop the pizza and let out a painful yelp.

Both her brother and Kara jumped next to her and the girl gently grabbed Lena's forearm.

"Are you alright?" she asked and it had barely been a few hours but Lena was already tired of not feeling _alright_. Lex picked up the pizza before throwing it in the trash and setting his worried eyes back on Lena.

"Do you want me to call a nurse?" 

Lena gave him a dismissive gesture of the hand -her right hand this time, she sure as hell wouldn't make the same mistake twice. "I just forgot my wrist was broken, you guys don't have to worry."

"Yes we do," Kara and Lex answered together as if it was a rehearsed answer. They looked sheepishly at each other and once again they managed to make Lena laugh. That laugh didn't feel artificial, it was genuine even though Lena knew she was still holding back to avoid breaking down in a hospital room. She didn't want to get overwhelmed now, as long as she could keep herself from losing it she would do it

Kara's fingers absentmindedly hovered on Lena's arm and Lex seemed to notice the gesture because a small smile made his worried expression faded for a few seconds. 

"I don't want to go," Kara murmured, forgetting she wasn't alone with Lena. 

The CEO coked her head to the side and gave Kara a warm gaze. "You need to sleep, darling." 

It took Lena a few seconds to realize she had just called Kara darling, and once again it was probably linked to the whole being-unconscious-for-almost-a-day thing but Lena decided she wouldn't care. She still knew they would eventually need to have the conversation they were supposed to have the previous night, she still thought everything would be too rushed if they started now, but the nickname had slipped so easily from her mouth that it didn't seem harmful. And the last thing Lena wanted to right now was to add anything to her already heavy emotional distress. Kara didn't seem to notice it and simply nodded while her fingers kept on drawing circles on Lena's arm.

Lex, on the other hand, had very much noticed and his laugh was barely contained -Lena sighed internally, thinking of how far she was from imagining her brother and Kara would meet anytime soon a few days ago.

Kara gave Lena a long hug that made the raven-haired woman's stomach flutter. When she finally got up, Lena immediately felt her absence next to her and she had to keep herself from asking the girl to stay. But Lex's hand appeared on her thigh and it made her heartbeat ease a little.

"I'll come back tomorrow morning," Kara said, and Lena knew she wouldn't give herself a long time to rest but that was better than nothing. "And if you need to call me, my phone won't be off," she added, both to Lena's and Lex's attention.

"Don't complain if you are woken up at three in the morning because Noonnan's is sending you an add on their new potstickers," Lena teased to make the conversation a little lighter. By the sight of Kara's smile, it had the intended effect and the girl seemed reassured to see that Lena was feeling well enough to mock her sweetly.

"It would be worth it," Kara stated as she grabbed her phone and headed to the door, Lex walking her there and opening it for her. They shook hands and quickly said goodbye. Kara shot one last glance in the room and Lena discerned remaining doubts but didn't point them out.

"Goodnight, Lena."

She wanted to record this sentence and listen to it again and again until she fell asleep.

"Goodnight, Kara."

Kara walked out and Lex closed the door behind her. He sat back next to her and grabbed her right hand.

"I'm glad you're okay," he said after a few seconds. Lena's response was to squeeze his fingers gently and they both sat in silence, Lena playing back the memories of Kara sitting next to her.

"You should get some sleep too," he added and he started repositioning the pillows below her. Lena nodded in agreement -she was starting to realize she was exhausted despite having slept for hours. She thanked her brother, sank into the comfortable mountain he had built for her and sighed. She hoped that sleeping would make her assault seem farther away and she was already starting to fall asleep when she heard her brother whispering something in her ear.

"She's awesome. And also pretty. She's pretty awesome."

Thousands of adjectives to describe Kara popped in her mind, Lena knew them by heart and she would have taken the time to say them one by one of her head hadn't become so foggy.  

...

Lena woke up at the sound of two people talking. The still closed curtains let some light in the room and she guessed it was around eight in the morning. She sleepily sat on her bed, massaged her not-injured temple and tried not to yawn to violently -doing everything slowly was actually harder than she would have thought, it was like she had to do her own slow-motion. 

The room was still rather dark but there was enough clarity for Lena to realize she was alone in the room. The chair on which Kara and her brother had sat was empty, except for a small cover that had been put on it, sign that Lex had slept there. 

The last day Lena hadn't felt the need to actually stand up, to go to the toilets for example, but as she was waking up from what seemed like a ten hours night, it wasn't _quite_  the same. She knew she should have waited for someone to at least be with her in the room but she was pretty confident she could do it on her own.

Lena swung her legs to the side of the bed and planted her foot solidly in the ground. In the worst scenario, if her head decided now would be a good time to collapse, she would fall back on the bed and it would be fine. The girl gripped the chair and managed to get on her feet, waiting to see if she needed to sit back or if it was okay. Her vision went dark for a second, but she decided it was due to her standing up after lying down and she easily walked the few meters that separated her from the bathroom. 

_Take that, stupid headache_ , she thought to herself as a victorious smile formed on her lips. She closed the bathroom door behind her, almost freaked out because her reflection in the mirror looked exactly like a vampire now and finally reached her destination. But as she was just starting to sit down, she heard her room's door open. There was like a pause in the footsteps and all of a sudden Lex's worried voice rang out in the room.

"Lena?" 

"I'm here," she replied, finishing what she had to do and quickly washing her hands before opening the door. Her brother wasn't alone in the room, and really Lena should have known, she should have paid attention to the faint but very much annoying sound of heels clicking on the floor. It would have allowed her to get mentally prepared for what was coming. Lilian was also standing next to him, lips pursed and glancing at the room. She didn't look particularly worried, she had a pretty normal expression on her face and she gave Lena a look that the girl read as a mixture of pity and condescendence. 

"Your friend Sam called me," she said calmly, not making the slightest move towards Lena. Any kind of hug would have seemed off with Lilian anyway. "I was in the middle of an important meeting and I didn't manage to clear my schedule until this morning."

_Schedule_. Lena had to be very lucky that Lilian had found a blank space in her _schedule_  to visit her. 

"I'm sure you couldn't," Lena replied coldly as her brother was walking her back to her bed. 

Lena's lips set in a hard line and she stayed silent, examining her daughter's swollen face.

"How long are you staying in the hospital?" she finally asked but Lena knew by the way Lilian's eyes were darting at her watch that she didn't really care.

Lex had to notice Lena's tense face because he jumped in the conversation to help his sister. "She should be able to leave tomorrow if everything goes right."

Lillian nodded and she didn't seem to have anything more to say or to ask. She had fulfilled her minimal duty, she was very visibly searching for a way to slip away and Lena was more than willing to give her one. Her mother's visit was the one Lena had apprehended the most, the feeling she had whenever Lillian was around her was everything but pleasant and she couldn't wait for her to step out of the room. Then Lena would just pretend she was an orphan until the next time her mother would make a quick but disastrous trip in her life.

"Did you already eat breakfast?" Lena asked her brother, deciding that shutting Lillian out of the conversation was the best way to make her leave faster. 

Lex shook his head _no_. "We were waiting for you to wake up."

_We?_ Lillian wouldn't have even considered eating food in a hospital, that meant Kara was already here too. But Lena didn't have the time to be glad because Lillian gave them both a wide fake smile and grabbed the overprice purse she had set on Lena's bed. 

"I'll leave you two to your food, then," she stated and she kissed Lex goodbye, pointedly ignoring her daughter who couldn't help but scoff. Her mother was _hilarious_. 

Lillian walked to the door and gave Lena a last glance. "Quick recovery," she said not even trying to sound friendly. As she was reaching for the door handle, she startled and took a step back as the door was suddenly opened, letting in a bubbly Kara, carrying an enormous box that was probably full of donuts and three coffees that were threatening to fall at any moment. 

"Hi!" Kara greeted and she abruptly stopped at the sight of Lillian, arms crossed and glaring at her with the famous _I'm a Luthor and I'm pissed_  look. The blonde blinked several times before handing two of the coffees to Lex, who had run to help her and was sending Lena panicked glances. 

"Good morning, Mrs. Luthor," Kara murmured, and now there were two people sending Lena panicked glances and the girl didn't know whether she should laugh or not.

Lillian was simply staring at her, seemingly uninterested in responding to Kara's greeting and Lena couldn't take her mother's behavior any longer.

"It's useless, Kara, it's too early in the morning for her to be polite," she said, not giving a damn about her mother's disapproving face.

"This is Kara Danvers," Lex said, protectively putting an arm around Kara's shoulder, and Lena couldn't believe that her brother was being so friendly with someone he barely knew. "She's a reporter at Cat Co and she's Lena's friend."

Kara forced a smile and Lillian detached her gaze from the reporter's face and set it on Lena. She shook her head slowly with narrowed eyes. 

"No wonder why you miss out on every good business deal and lack of any kind of respect when you talk to me if you make friends with reporters. But I shouldn't be surprised, coming from you." 

This person was her mother. This person, who was standing there trying to humiliate her in front of her own brother was her mother. Disgust crept in her. She was also humiliating Kara, and that was something Lena couldn't take. Her tone was so contemptuous that Lena contemplated kicking her out of the room and she saw Lex was ready to do the same but it was Kara who reacted first, stepping out of Lex's embrace and planting herself right between Lena and Lillian. 

"Maybe you should leave," Kara murmured, and Lena knew the girl would never actually _do_  anything, it was Lena's mother and this reaction was nothing like the one she had had with the man who had assaulted her. It wasn't an impulsive act of revenge, Kara was defending Lena even if it meant dropping even lower in Lillian's esteem.

Her mother's eyes were full of hate and disdain and Lena wished she could have kept Kara out of this but it was way too late now. 

"I'm not used to taking order from anyone," Lillian coldly said in her low calculating voice.

"And I'm not used to letting Lena be insulted especially not after what happened to her. She needs calm and you're standing in the way of her recovery by being aggressive."

Lillian let out an unimpressed scoff and eyed Lena for one last time. "At least teach your friend how to be respectful, Lena."

She walked out of the room without another word under Kara's wild gaze. The girl's body had tensed during this encounter and Lena saw her shoulders drop when Lillian was finally out of sight. The air became breathable again and all of the bad emotions this encounter had awoken in Lena started to fade away. Kara sighed deeply and turned around, looking at the same time sheepish and satisfied with her reaction and she handed Lena her cup.

"Coffee?" She asked and both Lena and Lex laughed at that sudden change of atmosphere. Lena grabbed it and sipped some of the well-deserved beverage.

"Thank you," Lena murmured, emotions -this time good ones- bubbling inside her.

Kara waved dismissively. "It's nothing, Noonan's was on my way here so I thought I would stop by and bring you a proper breakfast."

"No, I mean thank you," Lena interrupted, grasping Kara's forearm. The girl stopped and sent Lena a quizzical look. "For everything."

Kara's face had too many emotions at once for the raven-haired woman to grasp them all but the big smile that ate half of it was enough for Lena.

...

She spent the rest of the day reading as Kara was working on one of her articles. Lex had left for the afternoon, picking up some of Lena's stuff and taking a nap at his hotel. Lena had tried to get him to bring her her laptop but Kara had refused, insisting that she needed to rest and that L-Corp could survive without her for a few days. Even if Lena wasn't entirely sure about that, she complied and let herself relax as much as she could.

Kara and she still hadn't had _the_ conversation. They were not particularly avoiding it, it was just floating in the air but none of them felt like now was a good time to bring it up. They were in what they liked to call a _hostile environment_ , which could be translated as _not Kara's couch_ , and both of them were exhausted. They weren't talking about Lena's assault either, Kara seemed to understand she needed a little bit of time to process everything before truly opening up about, so most of their conversations were either Kara showing her weird memes or small talk about Cat Co and L-Corp.  

The day went pretty fast, J'onn visited her and she got another crushing hug that was weirdly like the ones she used to get from her father -it was nice. Kara and he warmly greeted each other and for a second Lena wondered how they had already met before remembering he was her therapist. He stayed for half an hour, chatted with the two of them before murmuring in Lena's ear that if she needed someone to talk to about her assault she could go to him. Lena felt her heart warm at the thought that there were people out there who really cared for her -Lex, J'onn, Kara, Sam, Ruby, and now Maggie and Alex. The feeling wasn't entirely new, but it was way more intense than before, and that was completely Kara's fault.

Winn and James also came later, bringing board games with them and they all ended up playing Monopoly for the end of the afternoon. Kara had reluctantly abandoned her article but the look of pure delight on her face as she was buying tons of hotels showed that she didn't regret it. Lena ended up winning, the final battle between her and Kara had been harsh and the boys had even taken sides -James with Kara and Winn with Lena. 

When they left both of the girls went back to their previous activities and Lena didn't remember falling asleep, but when she wakes up the next day it's Lex who's sitting next to her and not Kara. After a quick visit of her doctor, it is settled that she would be able to leave the hospital after lunch and Lena couldn't wait to finally get out of this room. She hadn't seen daylight in three days -there was a window in her room but that didn't count. Lex was going to take the plane at one in the afternoon, he had plenty of work-stuff to deal with and Lena had insisted that he could go now and that she would be fine. He spent the whole morning with her and when it was time for her to leave Kara arrived in her car, ready to bring Lena home.

Lena changed into casual clothes, managed to apply some makeup on her face to erase the tiredness in her traits and stepped out of this room ready to pretend nothing had happened. She was feeling way better than before, her head had stopped aching too much and she didn't get randomly dizzy anymore. Her arm was pretty much the same, although her fingers felt a little less sore. The last thing that was still very visible were the bruises on her neck and Lena shivered when the sight of them brought back the memories of the man tightening his grip on her throat. But once again, she pushed it away, not quite ready to deal with her emotions.

Lex's cab was picking him up directly on the parking of the hospital and the two siblings shared a warm hug to say goodbye. Her brother gently ran his finger down her cheek, planting his eyes in hers and giving her a small smile.

"Be careful, sis," he said before kissing her where his fingers had been a few seconds earlier.

Lena nodded and squeezed his hand. "I will. You be careful too."

Kara and Lex said goodbye too, first sharing a handshake before Kara decided to just hug Lex who seemed surprised for a second before he hugged the girl back for a few seconds. _Unbelievable_ , Lena thought, having in mind all the cold and hard expression Lex could have when he wanted to. _Unbelievable_.

The three split, Lex sliding into the cab and Kara guiding Lena to her car, an arm protectively wrapped around her shoulder. They didn't speak when they walked, nor when Kara opened the door for Lena and the girl sat on the front seat, readjusting her arm in the scarf she was using to allow her broken bone to rest. As Kara was opening her GPS app, she seemed to hesitate when it asked her to enter the address and she glanced at Lena as if she could read the answer to her unspoken question on the girl's face. 

"So... am I driving you to your apartment?" Kara looked very unsure of herself as she finally asked.

To be honest, Lena hadn't even thought about it. All she knew was that Kara had intended to pick her up in her car, but the idea that they would have to go _somewhere_  hadn't even crossed her mind. 

"I don't know," she answered honestly because maybe Kara could help her decide.

They stayed silent for a few moments, aimlessly sitting in the frozen car and glaring at the small clouds that wondered in the perfectly blue sky.

"I think there are a few journalists down your apartment," Kara finally said in an almost apologetic tone. "I don't know how but they must have heard something happened to you. Lex told me he saw them when he went to your place to get your stuff."

"It's not a surprise," Lena muttered, used to the idea that people were constantly trying to expose her private life. But she didn't really feel like walking under flashes with a cast and bruises on her head right now, she would have to do it at some point but she just wanted to think about something else. 

Kara seemed to read in her thoughts because she bit her lower lip before saying what she had in mind. "You can sleep at my place if you want. I'll take the couch."

Lena laughed softly. "I don't mind taking the couch," she protested and Kara looked happy to see that the CEO was accepting her proposition.

"You're not taking the couch," she answered and she started the engine, asking her phone to take her home. _Home_ , Lena thought. Kara was bringing her _home_. 

...

They spent the rest of the day on Kara's couch, watching TV and ordering food -way too much food, but whatever. They watched several documentaries on Space X and Mars, then one on dolphins because it was there so why the hell not, and finally as Kara was zapping she found a field hockey game. Lena quietly thanked her good memory and she recited the funny anecdotes Lex had told her, and the sound of Kara's laugh ringing in the room made it totally worth it.

It was when the game was over that all of a sudden Lena's face appeared on the screen as a voiceover was commenting her absence at L-Corp and adding that there were rumors saying that she had been assaulted. Kara quickly grabbed the remote control and switched the TV off but it had already awoken too many things in her for Lena to keep holding back any longer. She quickly stood up and walked to the kitchen, opening Kara's fridge and grabbing a bottle of wine. She was trying to keep the tears from coming but she couldn't. It was hard, those last few days had been too hard and she really didn't want to deal with any of this anymore. She wanted her fucking wrist to be released from this cast, it had been too hard.

Lena's shoulders were starting to tremble when she felt hands slowly guiding her until she and Kara were face to face. She had the softest look on her face and she was encouragingly drawing circles on Lena's back. 

"I'm fine," Lena tried but her voice was watery and she wasn't sure she could stop herself from crying anymore.

Kara shook her head. "It's okay to cry, Lena." 

And it was all Lena needed to break down completely, letting out all of the stress of the last few days and collapsing in Kara's arms. As she was crying, the thought that it was normally the other way around -Kara crying in her arms- crossed her mind. And then it was followed by the thought that there was too much crying recently, but they couldn't really control it anyway. 

It felt good to cry, Lena was freeing herself from the fear she had experienced a few nights ago, from the anger she felt for the man, from the restlessness that she couldn't get rid of and Kara was with her at every step of the process. It lasted a long time.

When Lena didn't feel like crying anymore, they went back to the couch and it looked like they were both feeling way better than before. Kara had cried too, not as hard as Lena whose sobs still echoed in the room but for quite a long time nonetheless. 

"There's too much crying these days," Lena commented as the thought came back in her mind, followed by images of Kara breaking down during the last few weeks.

"We're a mess, aren't we?" Kara laughed quietly before staring at the black screen of the TV. And Lena's gaze was fixed on her friend, it was like a super-strong magnet that wouldn't let her move her eyes. And the way she physically _couldn't_  stare at anything else gave Lena the feeling that they needed to have this conversation before it was too late.

"We should talk about what happened before all of that," Lena said softly and she couldn't help but notice the way Kara's face tensed slightly. But they had been forced to postpone this conversation for way too long.

"I know, and again I'm sorry for leaving without telling you. It was stupid. I should always be there for you." Kara's voice was full of regret and Lena gave her a reassuring smile.

"No one has ever been as much there for me than you."

Kara raised an eyebrow. "Lex has, and Sam too."

"Of course," Lena conceded, "but you are just something else." That didn't really mean anything but she hoped it would convince Kara that she found their... friendship amazing. For now, it was just a friendship. 

"I'm sorry I kissed you like that," Kara blurted and she started turning red. "I... I guess I assumed you liked me back but I get it and it's fine, we can just be friends, all that matters is that I get to be with you. I mean, not with you _with_ _you_  but with you with you."

Lena couldn't help but giggle a little but she soon regained her seriousness because Kara didn't look very proud of her rambling. 

"It's not that I don't like you, Kara," and now it was so obvious to her that she struggled to imagine Kara couldn't see it. 

The other woman's eyes widened and she stayed quiet, waiting for Lena to continue.

"I like you so much. More than anyone. And that kiss would have been perfect if... if we both weren't where we are right now."

Kara didn't seem to understand and she cocked her head to the side, looking like she didn't know whether she should be hopeful or even more disappointed. Lena took a deep breath and decided that this time she would say everything that had to be said without holding back. No matter how insecure she was, she knew Kara would make her feel understood and that was all she needed.

"I don't think any of us are ready for a relationship right now."

Kara's eyes shone with hope at the word _now_  and it was so obvious and true that Lena would have gladly forgotten about what was healthy for them and just kiss her. But she wouldn't.

"I wouldn't say that if I felt like us would be just something we did for fun," she continued. "Dating you, Kara, wouldn't be something meaningless. I know it." She stopped and Kara's eyes were so wide that she thought her eyeballs would fall at some point. But she had to keep going. "The point is, I think we should take things slow. You... you almost took your life."

Lena hated the way Kara winced at the mention of her suicide attempt but she _needed to continue_.

"And I'm so glad you're healing, I'm so glad you decided to see J'onn and I'm sure you're going to be happy, I already told you that. And I mean truly happy. I want you to be happy."

Kara's mouth curved into a pretty smile and her eyes were filled with emotion. "I'm happy when I'm with you," she murmured and that was _exactly_  what Lena was trying to say.

"But you deserve to be happy, period," Lena said, knowing that she could talk about the reasons why Kara deserved to be happy for hours. "And I can't believe how lucky I am to be someone who makes you feel happier, but I don't think now is a good time for us to start anything yet."

Kara nodded slowly, taking her time to think about what Lena had just said before sitting with her legs under her and putting her chin in her hand. "You think I still need to figure things out before we can try?" 

Relieved that Kara was understanding her, Lena gave her a positive answer and the smile she got in return sent butterflies in her stomach.

"And I need to figure things out too," Lena said. "This whole..." she made a gesture that she hoped Kara would understand. "... situation is kind of new to me."

Kara nodded once again, grabbing a piece of the pecan pie they had ordered and she took a bite of it. "Okay," she agreed with her mouth full. "I started to understand you had the annoying tendency to be right ninety-nine percent of the time, and I trust you."

Both of them laughed. "We should thank Lex," the raven-haired girl admitted, "he's the one who helped me out of my denial state."

Kara's jaw got slack and embarrassment took over her face. "Lex knew I kissed you?"

Giggling slightly at the sight of Kara's horrified expression, Lena nodded. "That's not a big deal," she commented but apparently Kara didn't share her opinion.

"Anyway, I trust you," Kara repeated and she looked so convinced by what she had just said that Lena barely managed to keep herself from hugging her right away.

"No," Lena said, "I trust us. I know that when the time will be right, we'll make it work."

They stared at each other for a while, completely forgetting about the nightmare of the last days and losing themselves in each other's presence. A few moments later a crinkle reappeared between Kara's brows but this time she seemed to decide she would voice her feelings.

"Can I just..." 

She extended her hand and Lena grabbed it without any hesitation. They intertwined their fingers and stared at the black screen of the TV for way too long for it to be acceptable. But none of them really wanted to move anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi !
> 
> I can't believe I let you down for a month especially after that cliffhanger, but those past few weeks have been pretty chaotic (my favourite moment was probably when a couple of bugs decided that now would be a good time to start a family in my kitchen). But I hope the length of this chapter (17000 words when did I even find the time to write that lol) will make up for the long wait! Also, special thank to the mosquito that kept flying next to my ear when I was trying to write, it was my first reader.
> 
> This chapter was a lot about Lena -she did deserve some attention, poor thing- but the next one should focus more on Kara's mental health I think. And sorry if there are mistakes in this chapter, I don't have the courage to re-read everything now.
> 
> School starts next week for me so I have no idea when I'll be able to update next :/
> 
> I love you all, thank you for commenting, reading and leaving kudos ! 
> 
> ok bye now :)


	10. let's sit down and break the ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the number of chapters is just an indication, it might change (and it probably will) ;)

Lena turned to the side and buried her head in the cover. It smelled wonderful, and she found herself wishing she could spend the rest of her life inhaling what could be ranked as the sweetest scent on earth. She was in what she liked to call _morning euphoria_  : when you're in your bed, nothing is moving around you and the world could stop spinning but it wouldn't make any difference because you're still too asleep to notice it anyway.

She let out a satisfied sigh and kept her eyes close for a few more minutes, trying to perpetuate this moment by lingering in the perfectly comfortable position her body was resting in. Everything was still and quiet, except for a small noise Lena couldn't really recognize, but which wasn't loud enough to be bothering. It was part of the atmosphere of the room.

A few moments later, as she felt her sleepiness fading away, Lena slowly rubbed her eyes and the feeling of something hard against her skin woke her up completely. It was her cast, and Lena grunted in annoyance. She would have to be more careful if she didn't want to hit herself or something like that because the last thing she needed right now was a black eye.

Switching position until she was resting on her back, Lena yawned soundly and startled when she heard a small yelp next to her bed. Kara was sitting on an armchair, wrapped in a blanket and snoring slightly with her head falling on her shoulder. Lena blinked a few times, trying to remember why Kara was sleeping in _her bedroom_  when she realized it wasn't her bedroom. She was staying at Kara's apartment, which explained why the pillow smelled like her, and she had probably fallen asleep while they were watching Star Wars because she didn't remember going to bed last night.

But that still didn't explain why Kara was sleeping here and not on the couch as she had said she would. Not that Lena minded at all.

Pushing the covers as quietly as she could, the woman got up -not without noticing she was wearing Kara's pajamas, but it wasn't a good idea to think about it too much- and turned her phone on to check the time. It was already 9 am and her stomach was making her understand it was time for breakfast. She started walking to the door, trying to avoid making any noise, but Kara's floor was creaky and she saw the blonde starting to move on the chair. Her hair was falling loosely on her shoulders, masking half of her face. The younger girl pressed her eyes closed and let out a grunt.

"Come on, it's too early to go to school, Alex," she murmured, and Lena barely repressed a chuckle. Even in their sleep, the two sisters managed to annoy each other.

Lena hesitated before saying anything, not knowing if Kara wanted to get up or not. It had been a rough couple of days for both of them and her friend had some sleeping hours that were still missing. But it was only a matter of minutes for Kara to wake up completely and the will to tease her was stronger than anything else. "Are you sure you want me to be your sister?"

Kara snapped her eyes open and she seemed so disoriented that Lena couldn't help but find it adorable. She blinked a few times before looking like she remembered where she was and who the silhouette standing in front of her could possibly be -not Alex.

"Absolutely not," she mumbled grumpily, putting her cover on her head until all Lena could distinguish was a pink fluff on a chair.

"That's what I thought too."

Lena walked to the window and opened the curtains while Kara was warily gazing at the room, barely appearing under her huge cover. "Did you sleep well?" Kara asked and Lena nodded.

"I had a great night, I didn't even dream," she answered a little too enthusiastically and Kara didn't miss it.

"No nightmares?"

Lena decided it was too early for Kara to be worried and gently put her free hand on her shoulder.

"None. And besides," she added, "I should be the one to ask you how you slept. What the heck are you doing in an armchair? I thought you would sleep on the couch."

Kara bit her lower lip and she looked away for a second. "It's nothing," she stated but from the look Kara had on her face Lena knew it wasn't _nothing_.

"Talk to me, Kara," Lena said, cupping the girl's delicate cheeks with her right hand. Her little technique seemed to work, because Kara immediately reacted to that sudden demonstration of kindness and her face relaxed slightly.

"You fell asleep while we were watching a movie yesterday night, so I..." Kara's cheeks turned red and Lena raised an eyebrow. "You probably don't remember but I carried you to the bed."

_Maybe_ the thought that she would have liked to remember that particular moment crossed Lena's mind, but it was very brief, ok who was she kidding she totally wished she remembered. _AHEM whatever_.

"And when I put you in bed," the blond woman continued, "you woke up just a little and grabbed my arm." Lena almost chocked on her saliva. She really needed to stop falling asleep next to other people. Or on people. "And you kind of asked me to stay?" Kara said as if it was a question and now Lena was the one to turn pink. "But not like in the bed! I mean I don't know what you meant by _stay here_ but we kind of had an important talk yesterday -I still completely agree by the way- so I wasn't going to join you or anything."

_Oh for god's sake_.

Kara bit her lower lip and shrugged awkwardly."Not that it was what you suggested. I think you said that... I made you feel safe? I don't know, but I just couldn't leave like that. So I took a cover and I fell asleep on the chair."

_Great job Lena, you make a whole speech about how it's important to take things slow and then you literally suggest to sleep in the same bed._

"And what other awkward thing do I do when I'm half asleep?" Lena joked, because that couldn't get any worse anyway, but still slightly afraid of what the answer might be.

Kara's face became dreamy for a second. "Nothing, you look so peaceful when you sleep." Lena smiled and Kara seemed to realize what her answer implied because she almost choked too. "Not that I often watch you sleeping," she precipitately added, "that time was just to make sure everything was okay, and I probably fell asleep in the process."

If it was how they would act around each other until they decided it would be time to build anything, Lena could feel there would be a lot of red cheeks and awkward shy smiles involved. Again, she didn't mind.

She gave Kara a small smile. "That's kind. You're just so... kind all the time." The blonde lowered her gaze and laughed awkwardly. "Thanks," Lena finally added.

"No problem," Kara murmured, returning her smile and giving Lena a quick hug.

They made breakfast and ate in Kara's kitchen, talking easily and letting themselves slip into the warm feeling that always overtook them whenever they were together. They drank jasmine tea that Lena had offered Kara, and the blonde almost set fire to her apartment because she forgot bread in the toaster under Lena's half-amused half-worried gaze -she was always half amused and half worried when it came to Kara.

After the taller woman made her promise to never bring this unfortunate event ever again - _it was the toaster fault, Lee_ \- Lena was hit by the fact that they were on a week-day and that Kara should have been to Cat Co, not hanging out with her because she had been through a major trauma three days ago.

"I called in sick for the day, and I normally don't work on Tuesday mornings anyway," Kara reassured after Lena asked as the blonde was shaking her toaster above the sink, a multitude of black breadcrumbs falling into it. "And you're technically my boss," she added, and Lena laughed because she had genuinely forgotten about that detail.

"Try to remember that the next time you impose the movie we watch," Lena teased as she grabbed the hoover with her right hand to clean the mess Kara was making.

Kara's answer was drowned out by the sound of the hoover and the blonde ended up scoffing and shaking her head disapprovingly. After making sure nothing would just decide to _freaking burn_  again, Lena sat on the counter, watching Kara washing the dishes -something she wasn't allowed to do with her cast. On her right, Kara's phone lit up and rang once, and her friend dried her hand before examining the notification she had just received. Her eyes widened and Lena didn't have the time to ask her what was wrong because Kara let out a -completely adorable- curse.

"Shoot," she murmured, putting her phone back on the table as Lena was smiling stupidly.

"What's wrong?" Lena finally asked, pulling herself out of her contemplative state.

Kara waved her hand dismissively and sat next to Lena, taking her hand in a natural and almost automatic movement that sent butterflies in the raven-haired woman's stomach. "Nothing, I just forgot I had therapy this morning. I'll call J'onn to tell him I can't make it."

"No, you won't!" Lena assured immediately and Kara almost startled at her sudden outburst. "I can survive on my own, you go get some time to yourself."

So now Kara wanted to cancel her therapy session for her? That was not going to happen.

Doubt shone in Kara's deep blue eyes. "I swear, it's fine Lena," she finally said but Lena wasn't going to agree on this one. And god knew Luthors could be pretty stubborn.

Taking her most commanding voice, she planted her eyes in Kara's. "Absolutely out of the question."

"Lena..." Kara tentatively started, extending her free arm to grab her phone, but Lena was going to make her give up on this utterly stupid idea -cancelling therapy to look after her, really?

"If you try to reach for your phone I swear I'll break it with my cast." Her voice came out as a threat but she couldn't mask the hint of tease in it. It was enough for Kara to snort and put her hands in the air in surrender.

"When do you have to leave?" Lena asked and her voice didn't leave any room for another protest. Kara probably felt it and decided that complying was the best way to keep her phone from being shattered on the counter -because Lena would have _obviously_  done it.

"Approximately now."

Lena nodded and pointed the door with her cast. "Then off you go!"

"I'm not dressed yet," Kara tried to protest but Lena sent her a _do you really think I care_  look and the blonde sighed heavily before hurrying to the bathroom to put on clothes. As she was dressing up, Lena walked to the couch and settled on it, grabbing the first book she saw on Kara's table. It was _In Search of Lost times, Swan's way_ and the bookmark was marking the last page. Lena smiled and put the book back, grabbing another one -War and Peace. This time it looked like Kara had read two-third of it and Lena opened the book at a random page, carefully keeping the bookmark in place and reading a few sentences.

"Trying to spy on my current readings?" Kara asked, appearing next to Lena a few minutes later, fully dressed and with her hair tied up in a loose ponytail.

Lena closed the book and eyed her friend. "War and Peace?" she remarked, curious to know where Kara's interest for Russian literature came from.

"I'm re-reading it. More like re-re-re-reading it." Lena gave Kara a weird look and the girl let out a chuckle. "What?"

"You're courageous," Lena murmured, her tone not entirely teasing.

Kara rolled her eyes at her. "Don't try to pretend you don't have a weird thing for Russian literature too. I've seen your bookshelves, you know." Lena smiled and shrugged, knowing that denial was useless. She did have a weird thing for Russian literature, and so did Kara apparently. "I just love this book," she continued and Lena couldn't pretend she didn't love it too. "My English teacher mentioned it when I was in grade ten so I decided I would read it, mostly because I was bored during weekends. I would read all day and then hide under the covers at night and keep on reading until Alex would eventually throw a pillow at me because I was making too much light."

"That's early," Lena commented, struggling to imagine anyone reading War and Peace in grade ten.

"I really liked it nonetheless." Kara was lacing up her shoes while talking and when she was done she gave Lena a sheepish look. "And maybe I also had a small crush on my English teacher and I read every book he ever talked about but that's a story for another day because I'm going to be late if I don't go now."

Lena snorted, more than willing to eventually find out about that and making a mental note to remind Kara to tell her later. Her friend walked to the door and turned to Lena who had gotten up and followed her.

"Are you going to be okay here alone?" she asked and Lena gently grabbed her forearm, wishing she could erase the worry from Kara's eyes once and for all.

"I am. And I was planning on heading to L-Corp in the morning anyway."

At the word _L-Corp_ , Kara made a face and Lena knew what was coming.

"Lena! You're supposed to rest! And rest doesn't mean going to your office to deal with business issues. It means lingering on the sofa, watching Netflix and eating potstickers all day long." That depiction sounded very much like what Lena associated with 'Kara resting' and she laughed slightly, but her friend was very serious and looked genuinely concerned. "That's what you're supposed to do!" she insisted, pouting in the cutest and least intended way possible.

"It will be just for an hour or so, I swear I just need to get some stuff and see Eve and then I'll come back ho... at your place, if you want me to." Kara didn't seem to notice her correction, she was too busy making her face say _I disagree_  in the most noticeable way possible -furrowed brows with a crinkle in between and lips set in a hard line.

"It's a bad idea, I shouldn't even be leaving," Kara murmured and that time it was Lena who made a face.

"We're definitely NOT starting again! You can come to pick me up at L-Corp when your session is over if you really need to control my every move."

Kara rolled her eyes but seemed genuinely reassured by that suggestion. "And how are you going there?"

"I'll call an Uber, my driver is on vacations."

Kara didn't seem pleased but she simply nodded, way too aware that she wasn't going to change Lena's mind. She fumbled in her pocket and handed Lena the keys to her apartment.

"Lock the door when you leave?"

Lena nodded, staring at those keys and internally rolling her eyes at herself. _Hey, we should go slow_ , she had said and then managed to end up with the keys to Kara's apartment the next morning. Smoothe. If they kept going to that pace, one of them would accidentally propose to the other one before the end of the day.

"I will."

Kara opened the door and suddenly jerked back, letting out a surprised sound when Alex's face appeared a few inches from hers.

"Do you have some kind of super-hearing?" the brunette asked, her closed fist still in the air, ready to knock on the now opened door. "Or X-Ray vision maybe?"

Recovering from her surprise, Kara made an annoyed face. "Of course. I can fly too. I got bitten by a spider last night."

Lena raised an eyebrow. "I'm not sure Spider-Man possesses any of those abilities."

Kara turned her head to Lena and shrugged. "I'm Spider-Girl, that's different. My spider was better."

"What did it look like?"

"Green with orange legs. And pink dots."

"I think I hoovered it this morning."

Kara's eyes widened in false horror and Lena couldn't repress a chuckle. "If it was such a good spider then it's probably still alive, you should check," she suggested and they would have probably continued their shared joke if Alex didn't clear her throat expectantly.

"I know I'm the reason why this conversation started, but could I at least come in or are you planning on organizing a two-women show in the living room?"

Kara snapped her head to her sister, seeming to remember she was here and stepping out of the way. "Of course you can, but I was just heading out."

Alex cocked her head to the side. "You're working? Don't you have Tuesday mornings off?"

Lena saw panic appear in Kara's eyes, and when the thought that Alex probably didn't know about her sister's therapy she decided to fly to Kara's rescue. "I told her to go have some time to herself. She has been too preoccupied for the last few days." That wasn't really a lie, considering that those were the exact words she had told Kara ten minutes ago. Lena was just omitting a small detail and she hoped Alex would find this answer satisfying. It was apparently the case, because the brunette nodded in agreement, forgetting to ask where Kara was going.

"Go then," she said, giving Kara a quick hug. They parted and Kara walked to Lena and drew her in her open arms, not without sending her a thankful gaze. As Alex was heading to the fridge, Lena mouthed a _you're welcome_ and Kara gave her a smile before walking to the door. "I'll pick you up when I'm done," she said, as to make sure Lena wouldn't forget.

The raven-haired woman put her right thumb in the air. "I know."

Kara murmured a _good_ and waved at the two women before walking out of the apartment and closing the door behind her. Lena absently stared at it for a few seconds before Alex's voice snapped her out of her daydream.

"So how are you feeling?"

Lena turned around and saw Alex sitting on the counter, a bottle of sparkling water in the hand, one of those she forced Kara to keep in her fridge even though the younger woman said it was the most disgusting thing on earth -Lena couldn't disagree more. Surprisingly, Kara didn't mind drinking Coke even though it was even more sparkly - _the sugar, Alex, I swear it makes it worth it_. Again, Lena couldn't disagree more.

"Better, but still sore," Lena answered genuinely, knowing that it was visible anyway. "Both on the physical and mental level."

She saw compassion flashing on Alex's face, the same compassion Kara always had. Even though they didn't look alike at all, it was easy to see they were sisters by the expressions and reactions they shared. "This is not an easy thing to recover from," Alex said, "but I promise it's going to get better. Especially when you'll remove that cast and when the bruised will fade. Once the physical scars disappear it's easier to feel strong enough. Being stuck with a handicapping wound can be very frustrating."

Lena nodded, aware of something in Alex's tone that indicated she knew what she was talking about. Kara had vaguely mentioned how Alex had been injured during a hostage-taking a few years ago, and even though she hadn't asked for details Lena had understood it was a pretty serious wound that had forced the FBI agent to stop working for four months.

"I just want to say goodbye to that cast. It's barely been three days and it already annoys me."

Alex nodded and took a gulp of her water before eyeing the said-cast. She smirked, closing the bottle and putting on a serious expression. "You're right, Kara really needs some time to calm down. She hasn't even written on your cast yet."

Lena shot a look at the white protection and laughed slightly. "I can't wait to walk into a meeting with _I love pizzas_ and _buy CatCo_  written on my arm," Lena joked and Alex looked utterly unimpressed.

"That is if you're lucky. Best case scenario, you get a mildly-amusing pun. Worst case scenario, she tries to draw and it ends up looking like something you wouldn't want to wear on your arm."

Lena raised an eyebrow and Alex nodded, shrugging. "It happened once. She drew it on her own cast when she broke her arm at seventeen. She was drunk, though."

"Weren't you supposed to be the big sister and keep her from doing exactly that?" Lena asked, laughing when Alex shot her a desperate look.

"I didn't even want her to come to that party, but she was sad because she couldn't do anything because of her cast, so I took her with me. I left her alone for five minutes - five minutes, I swear - and when I came back _this_  had happened." Alex sighed deeply. "Drunk Kara is just something else."

Lena's heart clenched and she didn't answer. Drunk Kara was not something she liked to remember. Alex didn't notice her silence and laughed at the memory of her drunk little sister -Lena didn't want to laugh.

"But I think she stopped drinking. She didn't drink a lot anyway, but these days she always refuses alcohol, even beer." Alex turned her head a grinned at Lena. "Now she can be the designated driver. Our Capitaine de soirée."

The raven-haired woman managed to form a small smile but she didn't answer. Alex was so oblivious. Lena didn't really blame her, she knew Kara had never managed to talk to her sister about her suicide attempt, and Alex was probably miles away from imagining anything like that. It was weird, thinking that Kara was keeping such an important part of her life from Alex. Their bond seemed unbreakable, and if Lena didn't know more about Kara than anyone did, she would probably think like everyone else that the two Danvers sisters shared everything. But she was aware that it was all but true. Since their fight, Kara had never managed to regain the proximity they used to share. Lena was pretty sure it had nothing to do with trust or love, she knew how much the two girls cared about each other. But it was probably still too hard for Kara to tell her sister, like a kind of trauma she hadn't been able to overcome. And now the person who had once been the closest one to Kara was light-years away from understanding what had truly happened to her sister during this night.

"So what are you doing here?" Lena asked, more than willing to jump to another subject before Alex could notice her weird behavior. "I mean apart from..." she gestured at the empty bottle. "...shamelessly stealing Kara's water supplies."

"She doesn't even drink it!" Alex protested, throwing the bottle right into the trash. She got up and walked to the sofa where Lena had sat and she settled in front of her on the opposite couch. "I wanted to check on you," she added, planting her gaze in Lena's eyes. The woman felt her chest warming.

"You didn't have to, I already have a personal pit bull to guard me," Lena joked, pointing a picture of Kara that was hanging on the wall next to her. She was trying to laugh it off, but she couldn't pretend it didn't mean a lot to her. Inside, she was once again overwhelmed by the warm feeling that the number of people who truly cared about her had grown in tremendous proportions in the last few months, and it felt good.

Alex rose an eyebrow in disapproval. "She's one hundred percent a Labrador, don't even start me on this one, I am the pitbull of the family. Her Patronus must be like... a koala or something."

The two women laughed together, the atmosphere was lighter and it felt good to make the last few days fade into a distant memory for a moment.

"But really," Alex resumed, her tone becoming serious once again, "if you need help with something, anything, just know that Maggie and I are here for you. Beating someone up is our specialty."

"Your couple activity just had to be combat training, didn't it?" Lena sighed, not entirely surprised.

"Yoga is so overrated," Alex explained, and Lena nodded in approval, her mouth curved into mocking grin. She was trying to ignore the way her throat was closing under the pressure of her emotions and she became serious once again. She managed to reply, trying to make her voice sound just as thankful as she was feeling.

"Well, thank you, Alex, that means a lot."

The brunette gave her a nod and Lena stayed silent, lost in her thoughts. She was still feeling weird, and she doubted it would just go away in three days. Lena was trying not to think about that man's chokehold, about how she would need to make a deposition and dive into the details of the assault. Lena didn't want to see him again, and she was pretty sure it was going to be disturbing if she really had to. But she also knew Kara would be right next to her if she needed someone to lean on, and it made the whole thing a little less scary.

Lena suddenly snapped back to reality when she remembered she had planned to go to L-Corp. After realizing she wouldn't manage to refuse Alex's offer to drive her there, Lena gave up and fifteen minutes later she was sitting in her office, dealing with all of the problems her company had encountered during her absence. It was long, absolutely not passionating, and this goddamn cast made the process of typing on a computer far more difficult than she would have imagined. Lena spent the morning sighing, grunting, internally complaining, sighing again, grunting again and finally laughing a little at a math meme Kara sent her when therapy ended.

 

\---

 

"I'm not going to ask you if you had a good week so far," J'onn said as he was going through his stuff to try to find his glasses. They had just started the session, and usually, Kara would talk a little about what had happened in her daily life, but today she couldn't find the strength to reminisce about those last days. It was one big blur where the only thing that stood out was the way she could have lost Lena, so J'onn not asking her if she was having a good week so far was probably a good idea because all of the words that came in Kara's head were synonyms for horrible and emotionally unbearable.

"You already know the answer," the woman murmured, resting her chin in her hand and waiting for J'onn to sit back in front of her. It had taken very little time for Kara to feel comfortable around her therapist. He was a very likable person, and even though she knew almost nothing about him the blonde had decided to put her trust in the man, and she didn't regret it. They hadn't talked about Kara's suicide attempt since her first session, focusing more on her past -adapting to a new life with Eliza, Jeremiah and Alex, locking herself in the bathroom in college when the weight of the world was suddenly crushing her. Kara didn't really know where it led, but she agreed on talking about all of that stuff if it meant helping her deal with her anxiety -and previous suicidal thoughts.

J'onn nodded, putting both his hands on his right knee. He never took notes and saying that's it hadn't intrigued Kara would have been a lie. But he never forgot anything, she just had to mention a name once for him to remember it, and he had the amazing ability to remember perfectly how she formulated her sentences when even she couldn't.

"Do you still want to talk about it?" he asked, cocking his head to the side attentively, his smart eyes seeing right through her falsely relaxed attitude.

"There's not much to talk about," she replied, pointedly knowing that is was a lie but choosing the easy solution, which was leaving her personal feelings out of it. "Lena was assaulted, it scared the shit out of me and suddenly I'm not so sure I'm against death penalty."

She still was, of course, but she probably wouldn't have saved the man if he was falling off a cliff or being eaten by a dinosaur.

J'onn's expression was clouded with sadness. "It was very scary indeed." He paused, a pensive look on his face and Kara could feel that her attempt to _leave her personal feelings out of it_  was going to be mercilessly destroyed by one of J'onn's questions. "How did it feel like? I mean, when you didn't know if Lena would be okay or not, what was happening inside your head?"

Kara felt frustration grow in her. _That wasn't the point_. "It's not about me, J'onn, it's about Lena," she argued, not willing to reduce these events to her feelings. "I don't care how I felt, the only thing that mattered was that Lena was hurt." Her voice sounded exasperated and she knew she was kind of lashing out on J'onn, but she didn't want to start talking about how _she_  felt while it had been Lena lying unconscious in the street.

"I am aware that your feelings weren't what you cared about the most at that moment," J'onn gently said, "but now that it's over I do think it's important that you express whatever you felt so that you can let go of the pressure." Kara opened her mouth to argue on the fact that _she_  wasn't the one who needed anything like that, but J'onn didn't let her the time to do so. "This is your therapy, not Lena's," he stated, guessing what she was thinking and his voice left no room for any kind of argument. "Allowing yourself to take a step back and give this whole thing a new look is the best way you can also help Lena, because if you try to bottle up your emotions I'm pretty sure you won't do her any good when it will come to accepting and facing things," he added, and Kara's mouth shut close. She didn't have anything against this point.

Sighing, Kara gazed at the ground before closing her eyes. When she focused enough she could still feel the pain and fear, hear her own sobs and see her trembling hands reaching for a still and pale Lena. "I told you, it scared the shit out of me." J'onn didn't answer anything and she knew she was the one who had to continue. "They made me wait," she murmured, and anger started thrumming in her veins once again. "They made me wait for hours without telling me anything, and all I could think about was that she wouldn't be fine. I fell asleep at some point, and I woke up thinking that she had died during my sleep and that it was all... over."

"As if everything that happened since you met Lena never had?" J'onn suggested and Kara gave him a positive answer. "You were back to right before you met Lena."

Inhaling sharply, Kara started tapping with on her knee with her fingers to try to evacuate the tension that was building up in her. "I guess," she said in a voice that she hoped wasn't too trembling.

J'onn didn't move, he just stared at her with a penetrating gaze. Kara was just waiting for the next questions, too sore to protest or try to move to another subject.

"So you felt like someone else was leaving you."

J'onn had spoken in a very calm voice, like if he was just stating a fact and not sending reality to hit Kara right where it hurt the most.

The young woman stayed silent and tried to collect herself. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest that she was almost scared the man would hear it and it distracted her from answering his question. It was obvious enough for him to come to this conclusion anyway.

"Like the day you tried to kill yourself."

Kara froze, her thoughts abruptly stopping as the memory of the unbearable amount of pain that had taken control of her that day. "I didn't want to kill myself at the hospital," Kara stated coldly. And if Lena hadn't made it... that would have been a whole other story, but Kara wasn't going to think about it ever.

"If you think that's what I was implying I apologize," J'onn clarified. "All I'm saying is that loss played a huge part in your life, and it still does. When you tried to take your life you had lost -or thought you lost- your sister, your boyfriend, your adoptive father. Your parents."

And at that last part, Kara couldn't stop herself from raising an eyebrow. "My parents didn't have anything to do with my suicide attempt," she said. The thought of them hadn't been the one to hurt when she had jumped. Her parents had died almost ten years ago, and even though she could never say she was _over it_ , she was damn sure she hadn't tried to kill herself because of them. If it had been the case, then why would she have waited so long to do so?

"What makes you say that?" J'onn asked, readjusting his glasses on his nose.

Kara couldn't help but scoff. "I miss them, but it wasn't about them. I kind of _was_  in my head when it happened, you know?"

J'onn took a slow breath and scratched his forehead. "Everything is not as clear as we think it is, especially when it comes to traumas," he started, crossing his legs. "I can believe that your parents' death wasn't what..."

"Put me on the edge?" Kara tried to joke but there was a bitterness in her voice that she couldn't seem to make disappear. J'onn didn't laugh, he simply nodded.

"But I do have the feeling that it's linked, Kara," he continued, "and it's something that needs to be explored in order for you to progress in your path towards peacefulness."

Kara almost sighed in exasperation. Why wouldn't he just listen to her? She had been the one in her own head this day on the bridge -even though everything had been kind of blurry because of the alcohol- and her parents weren't part of the reason why she had tried to commit suicide. She just knew it. She had thought of them afterward.

"Come on, J'onn, I'm telling you there is no link. Just drop it, would you?" It came out way harsher than she thought it would but her level of frustration was too high for her to be able to do anything about that.

J'onn narrowed his eyes and he looked totally unconvinced by what she was saying. "I will, but may I ask you one question?" he demanded and Kara agreed, hoping that they would just talk about something else afterwards. "I think you told me you were thirteen when your parents died. How did you find out?"

Kara sighed. There it was.

_"Flight 1554 from Roma to New-York is currently executing an emergency landing on the airport. There is an issue with the landing wheels and it appears that the motor is dysfunctional. About a hundred civilians are on board."_

_Kara shouldn't have been watching TV. She was supposed to be asleep because it was a school day, and she had been kind of told not to stay up late to watch her favourite shows. But there was a new one on Disney Channel she really didn't want to miss, and the girl decided that the horrible amount of guilt she would feel after betraying her parents was worth it if it meant watching Hannah Montana. And that was how she found herself watching her parents' plane desperately trying to land. She had been zapping to try to find the good channel when the image of the plane had popped on the screen, accompanied by a voiceover saying_ flight 1554 _and Kara was pretty sure it was the number of her parents' plane. They were coming back from a business trip and her father had promised her he would get her something from Roma. Another souvenir to put on her shelf, a_ sorry for leaving you for a few days _gift._

_And now her parents were stuck in the air in a dysfunctional plane. But Kara wasn't worried, they would be fine. That kind of thing happened all the time in movies. They weren't to going to crash, they would land -chaotically, for sure- and the woman talking was probably wrong when she was saying that the motor had bigger problems than expected. Because the plane wouldn't crash._

_It didn't really have the time to crash. Well, it did crash, but only after blowing up in the sky. There was a loud boom that didn't sound loud enough on Kara's television and the white plane burst into flames, fireworks exploding everywhere, and Kara watched it, not moving a muscle and waiting for a journalist to announce that it was actually the trailer of a new action movie, not her parents' death on live TV._

_But the journalist never said that, so she kept on waiting. Until the police knocked on her door the next day she kept on waiting, not moving from the couch. Years later she was still kind of waiting._

"I saw their plane explode on live while I was watching TV," Kara simply said. She had seen everything burst into flames and she couldn't remember a lot of things after that. Just numbness. And flames.

J'onn nodded and stayed quiet for a few moment. That was the most common reaction she got from people whenever she told someone her parents were dead -which didn't happen a lot, but still- and Kara imagined people never really knew what to say after that.

"What was the first emotion you can remember feeling after your parents' death?" J'onn's voice drew Kara out of her thoughts and she shrugged as if she didn't really know -actually, she really didn't know.

"I guess I was confused. Even though it's not really an emotion," Kara added, mostly to herself. "But whatever. I was sad, I started missing them in a blink of an eye and I felt completely lost. Nothing really made sense anymore. Everything was just... gone."

It had felt like someone put her in this big and thick smoke cloud that kept her from realizing anything. Words were meaningless, everything was in black and white and everybody was just keeping on living while Kara had just stopped. Stopped living, stopped breathing, stopped moving.

"It's the second time you're using the expression _nothing made sense_ ," J'onn noted, and Kara internally rolled her eyes at herself for doing things that gave J'onn the impression that he was right about this. "Do you remember the ticking bomb we talked about?"

Kara nodded as the comparison came back to her mind. This part did make sense. But... but that didn't mean she had tried to kill herself because of her parents.

"I accepted their death, J'onn, it really doesn't have anything to do with them," Kara sighed. "I... I tried to kill myself because everything was falling apart, and I was angry at everyone for not being able to help me and for making me go through all of this at the same time."

J'onn clasped his hands together and nodded slowly. It seemed like he was finally dropping the subject and Kara felt relief taking over her. It was easier that way. They stayed silent for a moment and the young woman found herself wondering if there were things she wanted to talk about to free her mind. A few seconds later she opened her mouth, not really knowing what she was going to say, but the words flowed on their own.

"The only reason why I'm here today is Lena." It wasn't a new thought, but telling it to someone else was giving it a whole other dimension. "And I'm not only talking about how she caught me before I fell. I don't really know how that happened but she apparently decided I was worth saving."

J'onn smiled softly. "From what I've seen you're doing a pretty good job at doing the same thing for her."

"Am I?" Kara asked, quirking an eyebrow as flashes of herself pushing Lena away after trying to kiss her appeared in her mind. Abandoning her after everything she had done for her, and then almost losing her. She was still ashamed, especially after the talk of the previous night, her freaking out session had been utterly unnecessary.

"I saw you taking care of her at that hospital," J'onn said. "I saw how concerned you were." His eyes were staring deeply in hers and she could  
see and hear that he was thanking her for taking care of Lena. A glint of tease appeared in his pupils as he broke eye contact with her and started at his intertwined fingers. "I also heard you quite wildly attacked the man."

Kara grunted and rolled her head back. "Just know that I have no regrets."

"I wouldn't either." His tone became serious once again as he readjusted his glasses on his nose. "Did you punch him as revenge?"

Kara thought about it for a few seconds, trying to remember what it had been like just before her hand and hit his cheek. "Maybe. I don't know. I was just enraged."

"That he had tried to take another person from you?"

Closing her eyes, the girl gave a positive answer, trying not to think about the fact that the police had found a _knife_  in his bag. Trying not to imagine Lena bleeding out alone in the dark.

"I've noticed that one of the most important emotions you mention when you talk about losing Lena, your sister, your boyfriend or your job is anger. You were angry at your boss for firing you, at Mike for hurting you, at the people who worked at the hospital for not telling you how Lena was doing, obviously at that man for hurting her, at your sister for making you sad on purpose... But you never seem to use it when it comes to your parents," J'onn commented, a pensive look on his face. "It's always sadness or confusion."

"I don't really have anyone to blame," Kara answered, shrugging. "One of the motors exploded and it was nobody's fault."

Maybe it would have been easier if she could just blame someone for their death. Or maybe it wouldn't make any difference because they were gone anyway. She knew it wouldn't have made it any easier with Lena.

"So you didn't feel angry when they passed away?"

"I told you, I was confused!" she snapped, and this time it was more of a shout than anything else, but she was just tired of the way he was linking everything to her parents' death. "It just didn't make any sense, they weren't supposed to die." Kara bit her lip and couldn't help but add, "everything was crumbling."

J'onn kept his eyes locked on hers and her own words resonated in her head. They sounded familiar. Why were they so familiar?

_Crumbling_.

Like her whole world was... _falling apart_.

_Crumbling? Falling apart?_

Oh.

She stayed quiet, the only sounds in the room being their respective breathing. She could feel realization dawning on her face as the memory of her feelings -nine years ago and a few months ago- were slowly forming one big pain block that made it hard to breathe.

Oh.

It wasn't that hard to put the pieces together. Leaving her a little to digest it, J'onn served her another cup of tea. She grabbed it mechanically and drank all of the liquid in less than a few seconds. The memories of her own feelings from the day her parents had died and the ones from her suicide attempts were too similar. They were overwhelmingly similar, with the same intensity and the same core. It was all coming back in her mind and it felt like Kara was finally connecting the dots. Loss, pain, loneliness. And anger.

But it wasn't right.

"I- I can't be angry," Kara stuttered, trying to steady her trembling hands. "If they had had the choice they would have stayed, so I can't be angry that they- that they left me."

She hated it. She hated how the feelings she had buried deep inside her after her parents had died were _the same_  as the ones that had led her to try to jump off a bridge. She hated that she knew she was angry but couldn't let it out and accept it because it was no one's fault, especially not her parents'.

"Kara, please, look at me."

The young woman blinked rapidly, snapping her head in J'onn's direction only to meet kind and caring eyes that never seemed to judge her, even in her messiest moments. "You have to let yourself be angry," he murmured quietly. "You have to learn that most of the time, acknowledging that you're feeling a certain way is the only thing you can do. Sometimes not doing it is the only thing that's keeping us from moving forward."

It sounded good, like the promise of a lighter future and lighter heart. And Kara was desperate to reach for it, to let herself finally be helped. But the truth was, she didn't know how to do it. Kara was tired of being lost, of not knowing how to feel or what to feel.

"I told you, I can't. I can't be angry, they didn't choose" she stubbornly repeated, her voice trembling. She was avoiding his piercing gaze and trying to hold on the last bits of the collapsing shield she had built for all these years, but there wasn't much left to hold on to.

Removing his glasses, J'onn leaned forward until his elbows were resting on his knees and Kara was forced to look at him again.

"You can be angry without blaming anyone," he simply said.

And apparently, that was all she needed to hear. J'onn didn't flinch when she buried her head in her hands and yelled _fuck_  until every single part of the enormous amount of anger she had accumulated all these years was out once and for all.

After a few minutes, Kara's heartbeat started to slow down and she let out a shuddering breath. How was it possible that she had been able to hold it in for so long? Everything in her body was still burning, like when you grab something too hot and it takes some time to hurt, but when it does it seems like it's never really going to stop. Looking back, the connection was almost too obvious. Losing everything once again apparently couldn't have been enough, and the second time it had happened she had lost faith in everything.

She hadn't trusted herself to survive this time.

She had been tired, tired of fighting, tired of life sending her crashing on the ground, tired of being the one to survive. Because at that moment, surviving meant being on her own again. After her parent's death, she had found herself completely and utterly alone. Clark was already a grown-up and she knew she would have been a burden for him. He had come to visit her for a few days, but then he had gone back to Metropolis, leaving her alone in the empty bedroom of the children's home she had lived in for a few weeks before being adopted by the Danvers. She had laid on the floor, unable to understand why her parents had been taken away from her.

Her parents belonged to the past.

So surviving had meant being alone. Being alive had meant waking up in a bedroom that would never be hers, surrounded by people who would never love her.

And when nine years later, Kara had been given the choice to either have to go through it all again or give up, fall asleep and never wake up, it had sounded so much easier to let it go. To just sink into the cold water and let it burn her lungs. She didn't want to be the lost lonely little girl who didn't have anyone to hold her when she cried once again.

Alex had been the first one to do that, but even she had abandoned Kara too, so what was the point?

There had been no point back then. Just like when she had seen her parents -and her whole world- burst into flames. One big void that had sucked everything.

Kara sighed deeply. That was a lot.

"I'm sorry I raised my voice," she apologized, worried that J'onn was just pretending not to be bothered by it. The man answered with a smile that immediately reassured her patient.

"You don't have to apologize, Kara, I'm your therapist and you have to remember that you don't need to worry about my feelings," he said in a comprehensive voice that made Kara feel a little less shitty about herself.

"Yes, I do! You're a human being and I can't use you as my punching ball because I'm too blind to see what's right under my nose and try to deny everything until I physically can't."

"Well, maybe not as your physical punching ball," the man admitted with slight tease in his voice, "but on the psychological side I'm pretty tough." Kara smiled sheepishly and J'onn deemed that it wasn't what they needed to focus on the most right now. "How are you feeling?" he asked, absently repositioning his glasses on the tip of his nose. Kara did the same and ran a hand in her messy blonde locks, taking a few moments to collect herself and truly think about the answer she was going to give.

"I don't know. Weird? Confused? But it also makes sense so I should feel less confused but it doesn't seem to enlighten everything." She wanted to laugh at herself because she felt like she kept saying something and then explaining the opposite. "I swear I'm trying to form meaningful sentences," she said, letting out a quick laugh that died as fast as it came.

"It's completely normal right now," J'onn said with a reassuring tone. "You just had what we could call a breakthrough, and all the emotions you had refused to feel years ago were suddenly there, waiting for you to unlock the right door." Kara nodded, feeling calmer, hopeful that she could somehow understand everything one day. "And it is overwhelming and confusing because it's new and it goes against a lot of things you held for true for years. But working on what's behind everything that happened the last few months is the only way to really understand what happened and why it did."

"But why is it so hard to acknowledge?" Kara asked. "I literally spent half an hour saying -yelling- that what happened didn't have anything to do with my parents." Something was just pushing her to refuse that statement.

J'onn crossed his legs and looked thoughtful for a second. "As I said, you were close to a breakthrough. There was something you didn't want to see because you tried to deny to protect yourself from the emotional pain it was going to cause, and I was trying to break your defenses and show you the similarities between those situations."

Kara felt her throat closing a little. "So it has always been about loss, hasn't it?"

The therapist stayed silent for some time, letting her find her own answer before giving his. "You're human, Kara. And one of the fundamental needs of a human being is stability, whether it's in relationships or in life in general. We all always crave stability, especially when we are children. Because having something stable means having something that will always be there, no matter what happens."

"It hurts so much when there's nothing left," Kara whispered, tears gathering in her closed eyes. It had hurt _so much_.

"You lost that stability once," J'onn continued as Kara was wiping her wet eyes with her sweater. "A child's whole world mostly consists of his close family, especially of his parents. When you grow up you create new forms of stability, you make friends, you build relationships, you create and chose your own environment. But you lost that stability too, a few months ago. Your job, your sister, your boyfriend..."

"And losing that meant being alone again, having to go through that again," Kara completed, and the more the thought of it the more sense it made. "There was just no way out."

J'onn bit his lip and his face was soft and comprehensive. "I know."

They stayed silent for a while. Kara observed the apartment once again, paid attention to the small details that made it pretty and cozy, the little things that showed it was J'onn's cabinet and not someone else's. There was a picture of him and a man who looked a lot like him, and Kara supposed it was his father. He looked nice and intelligent too, with that same kindness that sparkled in his eyes. She looked at the wallpaper -thank god, this one wasn't falling apart- and soon her mind was drifting away from everything they had talked about.

Kara saw J'onn checking his watch and she realized it was probably the end of the session. It was soon confirmed by the therapist's traditional _I think our time is up_  and the young woman grabbed her stuff before getting up.

"Well that sure was productive," she commented lightly even though this session had been everything but light.

J'onn smiled fondly and walked Kara to the door, but didn't open it right away. "It's important to see that there are more hidden things that we think," he said slowly. "Even if it doesn't seem relevant at the beginning, it doesn't mean it's not part of the puzzle."

Kara nodded, more and more aware of that reality. It was probably for the better, she hadn't just tried to throw herself off a bridge with no reason. Well, she already knew that before, but it seemed more important than before.

"May I give you one advice?" the taller man asked and he received a positive nod from Kara. "I think you should keep a therapy journal." He paused for a second to give Kara the time to think about it before continuing his explanation. "You write down everything that comes to your mind before and after a session and also the questions you have, the things that you don't understand yet and everything that frustrates you, or on the contrary everything that makes you feel empowered."

He was basically asking her to investigate and take notes on her mental health and on her emotions. Almost like writing an article. She was a journalist, she could handle it, right?

"I'll do it," Kara smiled, more than willing to understand the patterns that were behind her anxieties and suicidal thoughts now than she had accepted what looked like one of the most important aspects of the situation.

"We're going somewhere, I can feel it," J'onn said and Kara decided to let herself hope. Sometimes it sounded like she needed a miracle that would make everything fine again. But miracles seemed to happen recently -Lena had happened, right?

She gave the man a small smile before walking out, and as she was crossing the empty street she felt his gaze on her before he closed the door.

 

\---

 

Kara picked Lena up at L-Corp sometime around noon -dragging her out of her office under Eve's amused gaze was probably a more accurate description of the scene. They made a stop at Sam's house to say hello and the crushing hugs Kara and Lena got made this detour totally worth it.

While the blonde was answering Ruby's questions on the issue of racism -the girl had a presentation to do and having a reporter who had written several articles on that matter was pretty inspiring- Sam took Lena to another room and asked her how she felt. Was she having nightmares or panic attacks? How did she feel about making her deposition? Lena still hadn't done it, and she had promised Maggie to go to the police station the day after, and the young cop had answered with an understanding nod and a short hug. And for now, Lena hadn't experienced any of this and she hoped it would stay this way, PTSD was not something she dreamed of having. They spoke for about half an hour and Lena was trying not to be too evasive, but everything was still a little too real for her to be comfortable talking about it in a detached way. Their conversation was interrupted by an ecstatic Ruby who burst into the room shouting "mom I'm gonna have the biggest A+ ever", followed by a confused Kara who was looking at them as to say _I really tried to keep her from doing that but damn she's fast_.

"Ruby!" Sam exclaimed, looking partly annoyed. "You can't interrupt people like that!"

The young girl looked sheepish for a second but Lena offered both the daughter and the mother a big smile and got up from the couch she was sitting on. "It's fine, we should leave anyway so that you can go back to that Nerf battle you stopped when we arrived."

Ruby shrugged but Lena saw her face brighten at the idea of continuing their game. Sam, on the other hand, sent Lena a supplicating gaze and the woman let out a short laugh -she knew Sam enjoyed every second of these moments. They hugged goodbye and walked side by side to Kara's car, discussing the important subject that was food delivery. Chinese or pizzas? None of them noticed the malicious glimpse in Sam's eyes as their friend watched them walking from the threshold because _these two really needed to get married at some point_.

They both spent the afternoon working from Kara's apartment, lingering on the sofa and occasionally commenting on their work to make the other laugh and offer each other some distraction. Sometime during the afternoon, Kara went out for a run and Lena took advantage of those twenty minutes of solitude to take some more painkillers -she didn't want to worry her friend but her arm hurt like hell and the pain kept her from focusing. When the blonde came back, all sweaty and hot -warm, she meant warm- the pain had grandly diminished and she was done procrastinating. At least until Kara put a random Ted Talk on her tablet and Lena just had to watch it because that man was freaking brilliant. Curing cancer? Nah. Stopping climate change? Still not. Discovering another exoplanet? Nope. Responding to spams and ending up with a request from the spammers to stop emailing them? Absolutely.

And of course the younger girl had to put an arm around Lena's shoulders, and it made the CEO feel so hot -WARM, WARM- inside because Kara cared about her and it was beautiful. She was a hundred percent procrastinating once again but who cared? Lena didn't. She felt safe. Warn, and safe.

The raven-haired woman didn't expect the question that came at the end of the afternoon as she was replying to some emails and Kara was sending her article to James. It wasn't that Kara asked it out of the blue, it came with a kind of warning and Lena had to tell her friend at least three times that she could just ask her freaking question instead of rambling on how Lena didn't have to answer and all that sweet stuff. What surprised her was more the subject.

"How did you feel when your mother died?"

Lena felt her face clouding a little against her will, and Kara looked like she was starting to regret asking as she and opened her mouth to ramble a little more. But Lena knew that if there was one person in this world she was willing to share that kind of thing with, it was Kara. Not only was the girl comprehensive and caring, but she had also encountered a similar hardship, even though their experiences were very different. She could easily relate to her. And Lena also guessed this question probably was linked to Kara's therapy session, so she was even more ready to answer that reason.

"I guess I just didn't understand," Lena slowly said, looking for the right words. "You know that one moment when you're a child and all of a sudden you realize that everyone dies someday, so that means your parents will eventually die too?" Kara nodded. "Well, I guess I never really had the time to have that."

One day she was happily living with her mother, dancing with her on old songs and eating ice cream, and the other someone she didn't know showed up to tell her there would be no more dancing or eating ice cream with her mom because she had left earth. _For how long_ , little Lena had asked. _Forever_ , the man had answered.

"I was too young when it happened," Lena continued, a sad smile on her face. "I cried when they told me because I wanted them to stop lying and give me my mother back. But that didn't happen, so I grew more and more frustrated and I cried more for a week and then Lionel showed up. He told me I was going to live with him, his wife and his son and he brought me a big teddy bear." Kara laughed sweetly at the teddy bear and she absently grabbed Lena's hand as to encourage her. "I kind of went on with the flow after that. The memories were fading and I was adapting to this new environment."

Lena set her abandoned computer on the table and sat a little straighter. "When Lionel died, it brought back a lot of memories of my mother's death. But luckily I was already way older and I was able to make sense of the situation at some point."

They sat in silence for a few moments, both lost in their far memories of what their life had once been when their parents were still alive. How life could have been if they hadn't died at all.

"I felt abandoned," Lena concluded and Kara answered _me too_ , because she probably knew exactly how Lena had felt. She had spoken with that resigned tone Lena knew too much, but Kara's deep blue eyes looked a lot calmer than she would have thought for some reason, and Lena sank into the feeling that the woman was slowly walking towards acceptance.

Lena went back home that night. The very good reasons why she wasn't staying longer at Kara's apartment didn't seem relevant to her friend, who had vividly protested at the idea of leaving Lena alone. But Lena knew how to be firm -when it came to Kara, it was mostly closing her eyes until the pout on the girl's face would disappear just to make sure she wouldn't accidently agree to whatever Kara was trying to make her do- and she managed to convince her to take her to her apartment after dinner.

Of course, Lena was a little sad at the idea of not being close to Kara that night, she had gotten used to eating with her and working next to her on the couch, and the way it had almost instantly felt like a warm reassuring routine stroke Lena. She would have gladly stayed longer, but they weren't living together, the CEO had her own apartment and she was still planning to live in it for a while.

Lena didn't get a lot of sleep that night.

She made her deposition the next day and it was pretty much okay, Kara sat on the couch behind her for the whole time, and she got up to squeeze her arm when Lena's voice cracked as she was describing how tight the man's fingers were on her neck.

...

Three weeks later Kara left for Midvale for twelve days. She had planned that trip months ago and the reporter had told Lena about how excited she was to see her adopted mother numerous times, so when she tried to cancel it because she didn't want to leave Lena the CEO practically forced her into her sister's car.

"You can't just cancel your life because of what happened, Kara," Lena joked, but the sight of the pure incomprehension that took over the girl's face reminded Lena that Kara would have been a hundred percent ready to put everything on standby just to spend some time with her friend. But Kara deserved vacations, and Lena knew some time home was exactly what the journalist needed to clear her mind, so she kicked her out of her apartment with Alex's help and watched the car disappear in the dense traffic of a Friday afternoon.

When it was completely out of sight, Lena got her phone out and ordered an Uber to drive her to her apartment. Even though the odds that she would be assaulted again -especially in the middle of the afternoon- were pretty low, she couldn't resolve herself to walk for a long time in the street. She hoped the fear would disappear at some point, but for now, she had to forget about calming walks or runs in the streets at sunset.

Now that the trial was over -the man had been condemned to spend twenty-four months in jail, which Kara found revolting because people got twelve years for lying about a bank account but not for assaulting someone- it was easier to consider this period as over too. Lena had also been released from the cast and was slowly regaining some strength in her left wrist, which meant her life wasn't revolving around trying to type with one hand, so that was relieving too.

The young woman sat at the back of the car and put her chin in her hand. It was a ten minutes ride, fifteen if every light were red, and her driver was called Claudia. The other girl was apparently pretty desperate to talk about her day to someone, and she started giving Lena a whole speech about how she loved driving and discovering new parts of the town and meeting new people, and soon Lena stopped listening and put on her best falsely attentive mask to shut her voice out.

Kara and she held hands more often. They would be discussing some issues Kara had with an article and Lena would grab her hand to ease the tension in the girl's face. Or they would be dancing at some old music Lena liked and all of a sudden they would intertwine their fingers until the song ended. And Lena could feel that there was no hidden meaning behind this action, they cared about each other and Lena had stopped worrying about it. She was finally sure of what she was doing, and it looked like they both were. Holding hands felt natural, and someday, whether it was in two weeks or in five months, it would feel natural to make everything mean a little bit more.

"... are just so many different possibilities when it comes to finding a job these days, don't you think? Oh, I think we've arrived!"

The girl's voice drew Lena from her thoughts and she quickly paid for the ride before heading out and waving her talkative driver goodbye. When she checked her phone as she entered her apartment, Lena saw that she already had a message from Kara, as well as one from Winn asking her if she wanted to come to join Lucy, James and him for a movie night. The woman still had in plan to offer Winn a job in L-Corp's computer department, but the past couple of weeks had been so messy that Lena didn't have a second to think about it. Deeming that it would be a good occasion to bring it up, and also happy at the perspective of spending some time with the people who had surprisingly become her close friends, Lena answered that she would arrive around nine. It was five and she settled in her living room, taking advantage of the time she had left to work on the heart simulation she had been trying to perfect for the last few weeks. Those twelve days without Kara would maybe be less boring than she had feared.

As expected, Winn totally freaked out and Lena had to swear at least four times that it wasn't a prank under James' proud gaze. The man knew Lena wasn't doing it as a favor, Winn was just something else when it came to computers and missing the opportunity to have someone like him work for L-Corp would have been a strategical mistake. She got crushed into the man’s arms and they didn’t really watch anything because Winn was too ecstatic and kept moving all the time. He stopped pacing back and forth only once, and it was to worry that Kara would be upset they wouldn’t work at the same place anymore.

"She has me, she won’t even notice," James teased under Lucy’s half-annoyed, half-amused gaze. He ended up receiving two pillows in the head, one from his girlfriend and another from Winn and he raised his hands in the air in surrender.

Lucy and Lena spent a good ten minutes reassuring him -because really, could Kara ever be upset that he was getting the job he deserved?- trying to remind him of all the times the journalist had gone on and on about how good Winn was and how being an IT guy at Cat Co kept him from exploiting all of his potential, but _god_ was he stubborn.

"We have traditions!" Winn exclaimed. "And before you ask, no, they aren’t all related to food."

Lena snorted, not really because it wasn’t true but because Winn felt the need to make it clear as if he was used to people assuming that.

"For example," he continued, "each time Miss Grant used to call her Kiera, we would… okay, so that one was with food. But my point still stands."

The three others repressed a laugh and true distress flashed on Winn’s face. "It’s not funny, guys! I don’t want her to feel like I’m abandoning her."

Lena felt a rush of warmth towards the young man. He was among the people who truly cared about Kara, and seeing him willing to give up on a job he dreamed of because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings was adorable. Of course, Lena wouldn’t let him do that, because she knew without the shadow of a doubt that Kara would be the first one to tell Winn not to miss such an opportunity, but it was sweet anyway. Lena made a mental note to tell Kara how he had reacted.

"I’m pretty sure your boss will allow you to sometimes go to Cat Co to do things according to your antique traditions," Lucy said, cutting off Winn’s protests and winking at Lena.

James nodded forcefully. "I heard that she’s pretty cool, it shouldn’t be a problem."

Lucy sent her boyfriend a side-gaze. "Someone’s trying to get promoted," she muttered and Lena chocked on her hot chocolate as she tried to repress a chuckle. James laid back on the couch, letting out an offended _come on_  as his girlfriend shrugged carelessly, not sensitive to the man’s protest.

"I’m the only one here who doesn’t work for you," she commented and Lena was hit by the truthfulness of that statement. Pretty much all of her friends -except for Alex and Maggie- worked either at L-Corp or at Cat Co and it still felt like they were just college students hanging out together. L-Corp was like the group project they shared. Lena smiled because she really had cool employees, so cool that she had barely noticed they were until now.

In the end, Lena spent most of those two weeks alternating between working on the heart simulation, meeting possible investors and texting Kara. Their conversation never really stopped, it was more like one big interaction, and Lena wasn't going to complain about that because it almost felt like Kara was here. The way she had gotten used to those daily interactions with Kara was more and more visible as she found herself craving more contact and greater closeness with the girl, even though she was miles away.

Sometime during the last week of Kara’s absence, Lena came across her friend's latest article. It was an economical one that talked about the way the subprime turmoil had had consequences on the society that were only starting to appear now, and the raven-haired woman sent her approximately one hundred messages to tell her how good it was. Kara just had this amazing ability to connect things that nobody else would think of connecting, and it was always so logical and clear that the reader was left with the impression that he had done the thinking on his own. The journalist had often expressed the deep frustration she got whenever she read an article that tried to get rid of what could sometimes look like small details but truly made the difference. It had become clear to Lena that her friend didn’t like taking shortcuts, and she was assuming it was linked to the great sense of empathy Kara had. When she wrote an article, she was firstly an experienced reader who knew what was going to make people feel concerned.

In short, she was a great journalist, and that was the reason Lena was harassing her with clapping hands emojis.

…

It was only two days before Kara was coming back and Lena was still trying to figure out the problem with her heart simulation. She had done and redone the math hundreds of times, and in theory, everything was supposed to work, and she should have had a perfect functioning simulation that would have allowed her to test virtually some of the latest technologies her labs had designed to prevent hearts attack. But as soon as she would launch the simulation without even trying to apply anything on it, some of the simplest data she collected (heart rate, pressure…) would start going crazy and it was _so frustrating_.

Lena shut off her computer and placed her head in her hands. It was late, the sky was already black and she was too tired to try anything else.

The day was officially over.

As she walked through the almost empty floor, getting occasional dutiful nods from the people who hadn’t left yet, Lena sent a quick message to her driver to tell him to prepare the car. She was glad that he was back from holidays, it made everything easier and at least she didn’t have to think too much about the reasons why she wasn’t just walking home as she would have done a few weeks ago. She had just put her phone back in her purse when it started ringing loudly and Lena almost startled at the sudden noise. Her brother’s face appeared on the screen and Lena smiled at herself, happy to be given the opportunity to catch up with Lex. They both had had pretty busy lives recently and their last interaction was already a week old.

"So how is my favorite person on earth doing?" Lex asked as Lena picked up the phone, and it was really too tempting. He knew what she was going to answer so _why, why_  did he keep doing it?

"You should ask yourself," she teased, in her usual falsely disdainful tone, and she got a long sigh in response.

"Will you ever stop making me look like a selfish brat?" Her brother was smiling and Lena could hear it, and in less than two seconds her frustrating day was instantly forgotten.

"Impossible. And I’m doing good, what about you?"

Lena slowed her pace, knowing that if she walked too fast she would arrive in the parking lot and their conversation would be cut. Instead of taking the elevator as she would usually do, the CEO opted for the stairs.

"Great. Listen, I have great news."

"Lillian finally bought herself a sense of humor?" Lena tried, too exhausted to stay serious for a long period of time.

"I said great, not utopian." Lena snorted as her brother resumed his explanations. "Mother and I will be abroad at the beginning of November."

Lena frowned. Why was that good news?

"And?" she encouraged him, waiting for something more impressive to come.

"I’ve got to admit that I was expecting a better reaction than this one," Lex grumbled. "Come on, Lena! The beginning of November? The _third_  of November?"

Her brother emphasized the last three words and suddenly it clicked in her mind. Oh yes, that was some good news.

"She won't be there at Foundation Ball?" Lena asked, her voice full of hope. Each year, L-Corp organized a very important ball to celebrate its creation anniversary. And each year, Lillian always managed to make it revolve around her even though Lionel had been the one true founder. And the worst thing was probably that she particularly enjoyed bringing some personal touches in the ball's organization, which always ended up making it look pompous and pretentious. Lena was pretty sure the main reason Lillian had first organized it five years ago was to shamelessly show off and brag about how wealthy the Luthors were, but now it was a sort of tradition nobody was willing to break. It wasn't as important as LCIC because there was nothing commercial about it, but still. The most important people in town and all of their investors and partners were invited, and it was a good occasion to thank everyone for their trust. In theory, it was a good idea, but the realization had always been awful.

"She won't, and I won't either. Which means you get to organize it as you want, with as much kale as you want."

Lena sighed deeply at that. She had mentioned the idea to add kale at the menu _once_  and for her defence, she was drunk, but of course that had to be the one thing Lex brought up. "I have other ideas, don't worry."

If Lena was happy to finally be able to make this ball a little less about bragging and a little more about celebrating the anniversary of a company that had been built to "make the world a better place", as people said, she was aware it was going to eat up a lot of her time in the next few weeks. At least when Lillian took care of all of it Lena's only role was to show up, make small talk with other rich people, and vanish when everyone was a little too drunk to notice her absence. This year not only would she have to organize every little detail, but she would also have to play the role of the guest and make a speech.

But all things considered, those were indeed good news.

"I'll just remove _sleep_  from my schedule, then." She heard Lex laughing slightly at the other end as she reached the last floor.

"I'm sure Kara will take care of forcing you to sleep for me," he said, half-teasing and half-serious. "And I'm also pretty sure she won't let you do everything on your own."

Lena felt her mouth curve a little at the mention of her friend. Her brother had apparently liked the girl very much and she was glad that the two people she cared about the most were in such good terms. "I have to go now," she said, focused on remembering which door lead to the car park -the elevator was probably a better idea. "I'm about to head home and the car is waiting for me in the parking lot."

"I'm glad your driver is back," Lex commented and Lena stopped in the middle of the stairs to end their conversation. "Be careful."

Lena smiled and nodded even though her brother couldn't see it. "I will, don't worry. And thank you for this good news. I needed that."

They quickly said goodbye and hung up, and Lena walked into the parking lot where her driver was waiting for her. He opened the door and she made herself comfortable on the backseat.

Getting a piece of paper out of her handbag, Lena started writing down a few ideas she had for the ball. She then made the list of the most important people she had to invite : the whole board, the mayor, her family's friends -which sadly included Veronica Sinclair, even though she wasn't sure she would accept the invite after Lena had declined her commercial offer some time ago-, Maxwell Lord, Morgan Edge and other people she didn't want to see but had to. She added Cat Grant and a few other people she actually esteemed, and ended up with at least fifty names. It was just the beginning of the list, but they were the people Lena couldn't forget about.

When she was satisfied, Lena took a picture of the paper and sent it to Kara, explaining that she had to organize a ball and asking her if she had forgotten about anyone. She was a journalist, she knew people. As she presses the _send_  button, Lena realized that she had forgotten an important name, but the message had already been distributed. She selected the picture and started modifying directly on her phone, adding the name at the bottom of the list in flashy green. The girl stared at it for a second, not so satisfied by how shaky her handwriting looked -but hey, she was in a car- and sent the message, apologizing for the multiple photos before putting her phone on the seat next to her.

A few minutes later, as the car was approaching Lena's street, her mobile buzzed and Kara's name popped up on a notification.

    From : Karaaaaaa

    12 seconds ago  
        _i like the last one better ;)_

Lena smirked at her phone. Of course she did. She wrote back a short answer and the three dots indicating Kara was typing appeared on the screen.

        _you should maybe add siobhan smith_

"How could I forget about her..." Lena murmured, grabbing her pencil and writing down the name of the two people she had forgotten. She was one of Veronica's minion but still owned quite a few buildings in National City, as well as some of the factories and lab L-Corp used around the city.

As she thanked Kara, the car stopped right in front of the building and Lena laughed at herself, staring at the name she had added before Siobhan. How could she ever forget _Kara Danvers_  on that list? Lex was right, the raven-haired woman would need emotional support, and she knew exactly where to get it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi !
> 
> so I don't really know how I feel about this chapter, I've got to admit the last two months since I last updated were very very shitty and writing was just not something I felt like doing. Let's hope it's still decent :)
> 
> thanks to everyone who sticks around even though I don't update very regularly, it means a lot <3
> 
> P.S : would you like to see what happened in Midvale while Kara was away? Please tell me in the comments, I can't make up my mind. You can expect scenes between Kara and Eliza and between Kara and Alex (probably not the big reveal though)
> 
> ok bye now


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